09/30/2010 12:21 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

What Does Joe the Plumber Want?

Despite their best efforts and the Pledge to America, the Tea Party and the GOP have not produced a coherent platform for fear that they might drive away this or that segment of conservative voters. Yet amidst their purposeful vagueness, they have found it best to stick with the populist theme of Joe the Plumber, first invented by the McCain-Palin campaign in 2008.

So if Joe the Plumber was a real person, he would have looked something like this.

1- Joe the Plumber is White and Christian, unless you think there were African-Americans, Asians, Hispanics, Muslims or Hindus at the Boston Tea Party in 1773. America was built by the White Man, for the White Man, and it can only regain its supremacy by restoring its White Christian purity.

2- Joe the Plumber believes in the First Amendment as long as free speech means separating State and Mosque, but not so much when this amendment undermines the "Judeo-Christian tradition" on which this country was built.

3- More than the First Amendment, Joe the Plumber adores the Second Amendment and the right to keep and bear guns so that he and his friends can, from time to time, topple America's tyrants. How many tyrants have Joe exactly toppled since 1783 (the Treaty of Paris to end the revolutionary war and recognize America's independence)? The answer is zero.

4- Joe the Plumber drives an SUV. Even though he feels anxious over $13 trillion in national debt, he does not mind the deficit in America's balance of trade driven mainly by the enormous amount of imported oil.

5- Even though he is a plumber with limited resources, Joe hates to see his tax money used for his healthcare. He hates to see his government pay for his retirement or medical bills either. Instead Joe thinks it is more important for the government to shutdown, because that way it will stop taxing the rich, who should be allowed to take their trade freely to China or anywhere else in the world, and shutdown their operations in America, where Joe and his friends might work. At the very least, Joe the Plumber wants to see his healthcare, social security and other entitlements in the hands of private companies that he did not vote into office and that have no regulations on whichever way they decide to handle Joe (or rip him off in return for lousy service).

6- Joe the Plumber does not believe that his vote should count for much. Instead, he loves to see corporate money being spent secretly in elections to influence their outcome. After all, corporate America spends colossal sums of money only to shape elections in favor of the likes of Joe and his friends.

7- Joe the Plumber wants the government to safeguard his right to own a house and live in debt while often irresponsibly maxing out on his credit cards. Joe, however, hates it when government tries to reign in big banks and credit card companies who prey on people they know will eventually default. Yet, as long as Joe has enough money for the first few payments of a mortgage, big banks and brokers can charge their fees and post profit, giving the impression that America's economy is on fire.

8- Despite his love for liberty and freedom, Joe adores it whenever the government eavesdrops on its citizens. He also loves to see people locked up, like in Guantanamo.

9- Joe the Plumber thinks no man can take away the life of a human embryo. Yet Joe supports capital punishment and thinks Man can take away the life of another Man (forget turning the other cheek like in the Bible).

10- Joe the Plumber hates elite people and smart politicians. He thinks this country should be run by like-minded plumbers. Yet those cannot be black, Asian, native, Hispanic or Middle Eastern plumbers. He also thinks police in Arizona can guess whoever is not Joe, and deport them. Forget restoring America's tradition of receiving immigrants. American history counts only when it comes to bearing arms.

11- Joe the Plumber thinks it is easy to jumpstart the economy by shrinking government and allowing the market to do its magic. When China, Japan and most other industrial countries keep their currencies cheap and support their national companies to beat their American counterparts, American companies can rest assured that they will remain above water because they should not worry about taxes, or support from the Department of Commerce.

12- Joe the Plumber thinks the US government should not intervene in what Americans eat (First Lady Michele Obama launched a campaign against child obesity). Yet Joe the Plumber thinks it is alright for the US government to shove pills of democracy down Afghani, Russian, and Egyptian throats.

13- Joe the Plumber hates Washington and wants to shut down its government, but at the same time he is so mobilized to elect hundreds of new politicians on November 2, only because the new lawmakers he plans to elect will be pure, not previously tainted by political ideas and have no clue how Washington, the government or the world operate. Joe the Plumber likes novices, and he wants to see a whole lot of them running America. After all, the future of America and its superpower rests in the hands of Joe the Plumber and his politically and economically amateur friends.

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