Dear Steve Nash,
Being a free agent is difficult, isn't it? All this pressure, all these teams making offers, must be tough. Don't worry though Steve, I have gone over all your possible suitors and have found that there is only one team that makes the absolute best possible match for you.
Let's review the teams you have been looking at:
1) Los Angeles Lakers: Is that a "Steve Nash" move? Going to the Lakers just to win a championship? No, you aren't going to "Karl Malone" the last few years of your career. How well did that work out for Karl by the way? Oh right, it went badly. At least Malone had is professional wrestling career to fall back on.
2) Miami Heat: Thinking of taking your talents to South Beach? If you are comfortable ending your career being the funny-haired guy who watches Lebron and D-Wade play then sure, go for it. See the above point about the Los Angeles Lakers.
3) Oklahoma City Thunder: Ok, let's just lump OKC, Miami, the Lakers, Chicago and whatever top teams you have been linked with together, and Steve trust me when I tell you that you don't want to sign with any of them. Joining a top contending team late in your career just to win a championship ring is a little like using the elliptical at the gym instead of going for a good run; Sure, you may technically achieve what you set out to do, but it will never feel like you fully earned it.
4) New York Knicks: You don't want to play for the Knicks! Do you really want to spend the last few years of your career playing with Carmelo Anthony? Come on Steve, think that one over. Have you ever even seen a Spike Lee movie? Steve, after Malcolm X there is nothing there at all. Summer of Sam Steve? Watch Summer of Sam just once and then tell me you are still interested in playing for that guy's favorite team. I will even pay to fly Reggie Miller out to watch that movie with you, I'm sure he has some things to say about it.
5) Brooklyn Nets: You don't want to play for the Nets! Dwight Howard is probably going to end up on the Nets, did you enjoy playing with Shaq? Remember when he stole your TV show idea? Dwight is just like Shaq except not nearly as funny (though he might still make a better commentator, as if that would be a challenge)
6) Portland Trailblazers: I hear Portland was/is in the running. Steve, don't even think about it. Players who walk into Portland walk out limping. Portland is where good players go to get injured. Remember Brandon Roy? He has no cartilage in his knees Steve, you need cartilage in your knees. Roy was on pace to become a dominant scorer and retired at 26. I know he is planning to make a comeback, but it won't be in Portland, those knees can't survive Portland. Remember Greg Oden? You do? Ok, well in a few years nobody will. The No.. 1 overall draft pick just a few years ago played only 82 games before he was waived by the team because his injury problems were so vast. Granted, Oden looked as though he was in his late 60s when he started to play in Portland, but still. Portland is a little like the Bermuda Triangle for basketball players; the water there looks the same as water anywhere, but for some reason it keeps causing ships to sink. How is your back feeling these days anyway?
7) Vancouver Grizzlies: They moved to Memphis, Steve. I know, so sad that we will never see another epic Naismith Cup game between the Grizzlies and Raptors. I heard Big Country is long retired too, although it is rumored he has since become a UFC fighter, though on second thought that might be a different guy, they do look as though they have about the same level of athletic skill however.
8) Phoenix Suns: Are Dan Majerle and Charles Barkley still on the team? No? Well then what's the point?
9) Indiana Pacers: I hear the Indiana Pacers are making a pitch for you. That's adorable! Let them down easy, they just lost Larry Bird.
Wow Steve, that is a long list of teams you shouldn't sign with. Is anybody left? Wait a second, it seems that one of the teams rumored to be a top consideration of yours has yet to be addressed.
Steve, next year you should become a Toronto Raptor.
It just makes perfect sense. You are Captain Canada, you are the GM of Canada basketball, and your hair would fit right in on Queen Street West!
As a Toronto Raptor fan myself, I have compiled a list of all the reasons you should sign with Toronto.
1) We have always cheered for you anyway: Even when you were playing the Raptors you got a louder ovation in the ACC than the Raptors did, granted the free Pizza giveaway if the Raptors score 100 points often gets a bigger ovation than the Raptors as well, but I digress.
2) Tall Europeans: There is one thing that anybody who watches you play can tell; your style of play compliments and is complimented by tall European players. Your ball movement fits perfectly with the European style of play Colangelo has been trying to build. Andrea Bargnani? Jonas Valanciunas? Those guys are pretty tall, huh? And talk about European, those guys are crazy European! Bargnani even has a pasta company as his sponsor -- so European! Perfect fit for you Steve, perfect fit.
3) Bryan Colangelo: You and Bryan had some good years in Phoenix didn't you? The Raps haven't even sniffed the playoffs in years and every basketball fan here still agrees he is doing a great job, that's how awesome Colangelo is. He is the only executive in sports that doesn't have to actually achieve anything in his current city for them to love him. I think Jay Triano is still kicking around here somewhere too. What's that? You want Triano to have a bigger office? Consider it done.
4) The Steve Nash Foundation: I was looking over your foundation's website (would fans in OKC look over your foundation's website Steve? I did that, I looked over your website) and noticed your "Green the Earth" Program. Ontario is a perfect place to fundraise for this program. Ontario is becoming a world leader in the production of renewable energy and will soon produce the first electric vehicle every manufactured in Canada. In a country that is becoming progressively less progressive when it comes to environmental issues there are only a few places left here that are hugging trees and lowering emissions, and Toronto is the only one of those places with an NBA team. If you sign here I will personally install solar panels on the roof, heat the showers with geothermal, there is already a wind turbine down the street, and I will even make sure that the scoreboard is powered by love and enlightenment from the Earth Goddess Mother Gaia herself! What more could you ask for?! Please!
5) Leo Rautins: I have a feeling you don't see eye-to-eye with Raptors commentator Leo Rautins. Do you want him gone? We can do that for you, we can fire people you don't like. Consider him gone. Shhh, we never even had this conversation.
6) Free Health Care: No waiting eight hours in the emergency room for you, not like the rest of us here. We will bump you to the front of the line if your nagging back starts to bug you (just tell the nurse you play hockey and use the code word "Don Cherry," a doctor will be in to see you almost immediately). We can help ease the pressure on that back too. You know how you like to lay down on the sidelines to keep your back loose when you are subbed out? We have the best orthopedic pillows to prop up your head and feet. We will even have the Raptors dance pack come over and feed you grapes and fan you with a giant fan normally reserved for Egyptian Pharaohs until it is time for you to go back in the game.
There are clearly many reasons for you to sign in Toronto, but if, for whatever reason, you decide to sign with Miami, tell Bosh it's not that we are angry with him, it's that we are "disappointed." Tell him maybe we said some things we didn't really mean when we were emotional and maybe one day it would be great to grab a coffee with him and catch up a little. Actually don't tell him we said anything, unless he asks about us, do you think he will ask about us? If you go to Dallas tell Vince Carter he's terrible, any team he ever plays for is terrible, and that we are glad he is gone, and maybe give him a shove or something so he knows we are serious. Hate Vince Carter.
I think you will sign with Toronto however, because while life may be full of tough choices, this isn't one of them. You could "Karl Malone" your career by signing with a contender or you could solidify your position as a national hero, help the Raptors sell out every game and drive up the popularity of your sport all across Canada.
Raptors fans will cheer for you anyway, but signing in Toronto would give them the chance to cheer for you in person 41 games a year instead of once or twice.
Toronto Raptors Fans
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