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Ian Gurvitz

Ian Gurvitz

Posted: February 6, 2008 08:19 PM

Please Don't Run, Grandpa John!


After eight years of the world being led over a cliff by a barely literate, intellectually blind, quasi-retarded, morally bankrupt, tone deaf Pied Piper, our long national nightmare might soon be over. Not since Nixon has this fog of despair hung over the nation. And not since his goodbye wave has it felt like the fetid air might finally be clearing. Just listening to Barack Obama for five minutes reminds one that politics, intelligence, and compassion are not mutually exclusive categories and that, for the first time in years, the best and the brightest might actually get to Washington.

But then, along comes John McCain. Republican frontrunner. Pale, craggy, and sporting a smile that features the best in English dentistry, McCain is ready to take this country in a new direction -- backwards. He wants to stay in Iraq for 100 years. He wants to bomb Iran. He says we need to prepare ourselves for more wars, suggesting a foreign policy that involves bombing the entire Middle East, getting rid of the mosques and the people, and leaving the oil. The former straight-talker is now comporting himself like a meaner, nastier W. But it's not the age, it's the anger. The crankiness. The bad temper. Ok, and the age. Shit, when Grandpa gets in a foul mood, you don't want him behind the wheel. Let alone in arm's reach of the launch codes.

Senator, maybe it's time to rethink this. You're 72. The presidency ages a person. Look what it's done to Bill Clinton. From lusty boomer to narcoleptic heart patient in a few short years. You've worked hard enough. Wouldn't it feel nice to enjoy the fruits of your labors before this whole campaign thing gets out of hand? Slip on a robe, sit back in the rocker, and think about whether this is something you really want to do? It's not like you have to retire. There are still many ways seniors can stay active. You could be:

John, Greeter at WalMart. "Hi, I'm John, Welcome to WalMart." Then flash that winning smile as you point people toward the Polident aisle.

John C. McCain, Actor. Just like bi-coastal Fred T. You could play the old homespun country doc on an updated TNT western, or the cranky grandpa on a new, multi-generational sitcom. Maybe grab an endorsement deal for Oatmeal, or some new E.D. drug.

Straight-Talkin' Judge John, a no-nonsense judge who "tells it like it is" in your own afternoon reality show.

Johnny McCain, Bingo Caller at the senior center. When someone yells "Bingo," you could make the sound of a giant explosion, which might make the folks laugh, instead of dropping actual bombs, which tend to make people dead.

The Honorable John McCain, Ambassador to Vietnam. Visit old friends. Make new friends.

Former Senator John McCain, CNN political analyst. They let just about anyone do that now.

Professor McCain, Lecturer in Revisionist History, University of Phoenix.

Farmer John -- gentleman farmer. Grow whatever the hell it is farmers grow. Maybe a vegetable of some kind. Attend farmer's markets on the weekend and county fares. Win blue ribbons and dance with your best gal.

Or maybe just plain ol' Grandpa John. Sit back on the porch with a pipe. Bounce some grandkids on your knee. C'mon, you know you get a rush when you see that flannel shirt hanging in the closet. Take off the suit and tie. Just try it on, see how good it feels.

Of course those are just suggestions. Give it some thought. Bow out now and leave the field open to those other guys. Romney and Huckabee.... Oh, shit. You know what, never mind. On second thought, you better stay in the race. Those two are fucking nuts.