Viva La Vulva
Ian Kerner will join Esther Perel, Amy Sohn, Leonore Tiefer and Cory Silverberg for a conversation called "Sex in America: Can The Conversation Change?" The symposium is co-sponsored by the Huffington Post and Open Center and will take place in New York City on Friday, February 20th. Click here to register.
As any man who has spent time in the trenches will tell you, the female orgasm is an elusive thing. Like Bigfoot and quality television, we know it's out there; we just don't actually come into contact with the real thing all that often. Understanding female sexuality can be as complicated as Euclidean geometry, and when the final exam is a woman's orgasm most guys fail miserably (we're not graded on a curve).
Why is it so hard for women to achieve orgasm when all a guy needs is a glimpse at the lingerie section of a Sears catalogue? Some evolutionary anthropologists conjecture that the physiological difficulty works like a built-in monogamy device: Because the female orgasm is so tricky to achieve, its mastery requires dedication and patience, an extended "getting to you know" process. This encourages a woman to seek relationships with a guy who can spend the energy and time to familiarize himself with her sexuality.
Unlike the executives at Enron, a woman's orgasm never lies. They tell a woman the truth about a sexual encounter, whether she wants to know it or not. In clinical terms, the female orgasm releases a burst of oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone, which facilitates a sense of attachment. But if there's nothing to attach to, if there's no deeper emotional content or meaningfulness, the orgasm becomes a regretful reminder of the hollowness of the sex that preceded it.
This is called post-orgasm regret, and it typically manifests itself in the form of sadness or anger. Ladies, if you've ever felt a pang of sorrow following a sexually gratifying (i.e., orgasmic) hook-up, it's most likely post-orgasmic regret (though his low thread count sheets may also be a contributing factor).
And what if you're not having orgasms at all? Well then, you may be experiencing post-faking regret - regretting that you helped the jerk get off while you faked it. (But that's a different article altogether). Orgasm or not, be aware that sex results in your body inching toward some emotional connection, even as your brain is saying "What the hell am I doing in bed with this balding, beer-swilling frat boy?"
So are we ultimately moving into an era of "regretful orgasms?" The swinging sixties gave way to the hedonistic seventies, when Erica Jong introduced the "Me Generation" to the "zipless fuck," and sex without guilt became an accepted form of female behavior. Women, it seemed, were finally on top, as well as getting it on with anonymous strangers on trains and in elevators. And where were modern men during all of this? On the sidelines, gleefully embracing this newfound "empowerment," of course. Thanks to the seeds sown by the feminist movement, modern women were earning nearly as much as men by the 1990s, giving them newfound financial independence. Unburdened of the need to find a male provider, women were delaying marriage and enjoying dating as a form of sexual gratification. Enter Sex and The City, which exemplified a new form of empowerment: A woman's ability to have sex like a man.
But, in the end, orgasms don't have to be regretful. Today's woman can do better than having sex "like a man" - she can teach a man how to have sex like a woman: more sensual, more emotionally connected and ultimately on a higher level.
Viva la Vulva!
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Ian,
No offense - well, OK, I guess this is offensive to you, but I have nothing against you personally.
You're a sex counselor? Not trying to brag - after all, it didn't come cheap (some of my sexploits are documented on guyinism dot well, you know the rest) - but I think about a third of my body's epidermis is still saturated from the chick-I-me
Two words: vibrating ring.
Well, it takes a lot more than that - but that'd be a good start for any of you.
I agree with the porn producer (MichaelMcKLA) who posted, who implied that chicks are a lot less regretful when they are getting paid.
Studies also show women most enjoy sex when they feel appreciated by their partners - and what better way to show them the love - or lust - than with a little cash-o-la.
Finally, you write, "Today's woman can do better than having sex "like a man" - she can teach a man how to have sex like a woman: more sensual, more emotionally connected and ultimately on a higher level." Never mind - .... - I'm virtually speechless. Dude, seriously, you need to mix in at least a little bit of pounding.
MichaelMcKLA - talk to this guy.
i've always believed the way to a woman's bed is through her head with stimulating conversaton: get into her head and you'll always get into her bed. now once you are there the key is to go slow. a recent lover of mine was giving me feedback on what i did that worked so well for her. just at that moment the old Pointer Sisters' song, "Slow hand" came on the radio. she got all excited and said, "that's it---that's what you do!"
so guys, if you need any help just go to I-tunes, download this song, and listen good.
Your first clue was beer-swilling frat boy. You have no where to go but up from there.
Why is it so hard for women to achieve orgasms?
What if it's not? Personally, I can get myself off several times in a few minutes. I can have orgasms with whoever. And while I may experience regret at giving a jerk the satisfaction of thinking he's the man, or having spent time with him at all, I sure don't regret the pleasure of an orgasm, just because it didn't lead to cuddling, love, marriage, and babies.
And what about my current guy friend who really can't do it if he's not turned on by his partner? What's up with him?
I'm sorry, this article just reinforces too many myths, and relies too heavily on a layman's understanding of evolutionary psychology, for me to take it seriously.
Sometimes we need a "Mr. Right Now" instead of a "Mr. Right."
Hear Hear!
Down with junk science!
I'm glad you posted this, valkyrie. .
For some odd reason many men seem to think being a disingenuous jerk is a sign of masculinity. As a recently married but previously dating man it was really a pleasure to have such pathetic competition. My partners pleasure has always been my first priority and I have never made love to someone I have not known well and cared about deeply. I have never found female orgasms to be elusive or tricky. Be patient, compassionate, and genuine and leave your ego at home. Being a good lover requires the same qualities as being a good person. Intercourse will happen when deep mutual feelings of affection need to be expressed, otherwise your just getting laid and it never feels right.
Gotta agree with you. Being a 'loving' person makes everything better, doesn't it?
Boys, boys, boys. One of the main problems with the female orgasm, is pretty basic: foreplay, or the lack thereof by the men in their love lives. This has nothing to do with living in a post-SITC (Sex In the City) world, orgasm regret or the elusive hunt for the g-spot...y
To put it bluntly, many of you, I will correctly assume, have no move to the hoop. It's a straight shot down the middle lane to the basket. Boob grab, crotch grab and zing, one single shot under the boards to the promised land. The vulva and all the wonderful tingly nerve endings that it hides is pushed aside in a horrendous technical foul.
Women are not cars, guys. You can't stick your key in and expect the Hemi engine to roar. We're more like a vintage '67 Mustang, you have to let the engine warm-up and idle. You have to listen to what she tells you. You'll get her to purr, you just have to give it a bit of time.
Foreplay is an absolute necessity!
Men tend to realize that at some point after age 40 or 50, when foreplay or "prep" finally becomes "an absolute necessity" *for them* too!
The title just as well could have been "Viva la Volvo", cause the v ulva sure wasn't discussed.
Anyway, the v ulva plays a role in female orgasm, but not the only one. There's no magic button, or routine. And quite frankly, there's no bigger turn-off than a partner trying desperately to give me that "elusive orgasm". It's not the man's job, or a sign of success if the woman comes! Healthy women enjoy sex and take responsibility for their own se xual experiences.
Orgasm isn't always the goal, for me, it's just part of the whole package. Give me a witty conversation, sensual touch, loving eye-contact and connecting at the heart level. The rest is icing.
The best is when the woman's orgasms come so quickly in rapid succession that she can't tell when one stops and the next one begins. That's the cat's meow. Nothing makes a man feel more like a man than reducing the woman he's with to an immobile puddle...
I'm so glad that most of my competition is horribly incompetent and I resent your attempt to shed light on the subject, Mr. Kerner. :-)
For those of us that figured out that the 'most sensitive erogenous zone' was actually the human mind and that patience, communication and unselfishness go a long way, it becomes the original source upon which our self assuredness builds. Furthermore, sexual desire is rooted in only a handful of primal, human fantasies. Once a relationship has matured a bit, we human beings can enjoy shared intimacy on a great many levels if you have that insight, and I'm not spilling the beans!
Wow. There is a difference between doing sex; and two people feeling safe and excited as they share themselves, including sexuality.
Nice guys finish last.
Only with immature or dysfunctional women, assuming that in addition to nice, the man is also mature, attentive, and otherwise functional.
That's out of line and unnecessarily insulting. Most women I've know appreciate a man who's willing to postpone climax so that she has the opportunity to achieve orgasm through intercourse.
..Or as the line goes, Ladies first..
The pleasure is always in the giving - reciprocity results in orgasmic synergy...
For those of us who know what we're doing, let me offer this bit a free advice: the key to making your lover/wife
Bingo!
You got it!
" she can teach a man how to have sex like a woman: more sensual, more emotionally connected and ultimately on a higher level "
Boy that is the mother of all assumptions.
A man wanting emotional connection of a higher level. A man is not even connected with his self on a high level. Few men stand in front of mirrors prasticing facial movements so the can be impressive as Jon Stewart when reaction to what a woman says.
Most men surrender their free time to someone else and no one seems to be aware he wants sometime just to be. To think and related in his mind all the problems he solved just today for someone.
Men seldom fund their place in the world because there is always someone demanding that men help them.
Men are not great at saying NO.
"Why is it so hard for women to achieve orgasm when all a guy needs is a glimpse at the lingerie section of a Sears catalogue?"
Um, speaking as a guy, bullshit.
Maybe 13 year old boys can get off with a stiff breeze, but once you grow up a little and your brain gets in the way, it's not so simple anymore. I've actually told a woman to stop when performing oral sex on me because (a) I wasn't into it, my mind wasn't there, and (b) she didn't know the first damn thing about what she was doing (hint to newbies: suction actually achieves very little, for some guys) but thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread -- I knew that it was going nowhere and I was chafed as hell.
This isn't an attempt to bash women; there are bad lovers of both genders, and sometimes it's not you -- it's me.
The point is, just like we need to do away with the myth of the "elusive female orgasm" (women like sex, they enjoy sex, and given the right circumstances they seem to orgasm at least as much as I do), we also need to do away with the myth of men as perpetually randy sex machines who will just as gladly get off by humping your leg. Neither myth serves us well.
Right.
Many have boys and men confused. Men want sex with intimacy when they feel good and are content with life. Boys want sex and will hit anything that is alive if it holds still long enough.
Age notwithstanding, there are a lot of big tall boys out there pretending to be men. It's beneficial to know now the difference and relate accordingly.
That's right--I'm a woman--the "elusive female orgasm" is a myth. I have them regularly, easily and within a few minutes. What you mentioned in "a" and "b" in your comment above is right on.
That's right - I'm full - world hunger is a myth. I eat regularly, easily, and whenever I wish.
"We" don't encounter that many female orgasms? Speak for yourself, man.
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