02/04/2014 12:39 pm ET | Updated Apr 06, 2014

Hogwarts 90210? Come On, Ms. Rowling.

JK Rowling said WHAT?

"That's how it was conceived, really. For reasons that have very little to do with literature and far more to do with me clinging to the plot as I first imagined it, Hermione ended up with Ron.

I know, I'm sorry. I can hear the rage and fury it might cause some fans, but if I'm absolutely honest, distance has given me perspective on that. It was a choice I made for very personal reasons, not for reasons of credibility. Am I breaking people's hearts by saying this? I hope not."

And even Emma Watson (who asked her?!) agreed that Harry and Hermione should have ended up together, leaving Ron, not to mention Ginny (imagine the "hard, blazing look" on her face when she found out), out in the cold: "I think there are fans out there who know that too and who wonder whether Ron would have really been able to make her happy."

Christie-gate, Schmistie-gate (now that's a mouthful), this is the real scandal of 2014.

For any of you who have been living under a rock wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma, I'm talking about the Harry Potter books. Google it.

After spitting my firewhisky all over the computer (it is a snow day here in New York), I'm sitting here just stunned. Doesn't Jo know what this would do?

No lifelong Harry-Ron-Hermione friendship (jealous much, Ron?). No big, loving surrogate wizarding family in the Weasleys for Harry after having lost his own to Lord Voldything. No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! (Wait a minute, that's another story. Sorry.)

These kids just defeated the most powerful evil fictional character this side of General Zod. The last thing Harry, Hermione, and Ron need is a Dylan-Kelly-Brandon style love triangle. And does that make Neville Longbottom the Steve Sanders of Hogwarts? Sheesh.

So here's what I have to say to Ms. Rowling. You're a genius, a truly wonderful writer. And if you'd like to tell us some more things about the Harry Potter world that aren't already in the books (Dumbledore apparated into Studio 54 now and again? Er, ok.), we're all ears. But what's on the printed page, well, that's canon now, and some people take that stuff pretty seriously. Not me of course, I'm merely offering disinterested commentary as an observer of popular culture. Yeah, cultural observer, that's the ticket.

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