THE BLOG
04/15/2013 01:27 pm ET | Updated Jun 15, 2013

My Proposal for The First Scene in the New Movie 'Go the F*ck to Sleep'

Fox 2000 is slated to turn Go the F*ck to Sleep into a movie. Yes, I'm serious. Industry insiders are already clamoring for the sequel, with options like "Brush Your Teeth or You Will Get F*cking Cavities," "Clean Your Room, It Looks Like a Sh*thole" and "Stop Being a Jack*ss and Eat Your Vegetables" all under consideration.

They've already signed on a writer to flesh out the screenplay but just in case he needs a little inspiration, I thought I'd offer up a scene from my own life as reference.

After all, "Go the F*ck to Sleep" could be a documentary shot at my house EVERY MOTHERF*CKING NIGHT.

Characters

Mike.......... Father
Ilana.......... Mother
Mazzy....... Toddler
Harlow....... Baby

SCENE I

Open on Mike sitting in the living room watching television. There are toys strewn about the floor, a puddle of Go-gurt on the couch and a half-eaten hot dog on an Elmo plate on the coffee table. Mike looks like he has been run over by a truck.

Ilana enters the room. She's got spit-up on her shirt, her ponytail is askew and her left boob is hanging out of her nursing bra.

MIKE: Is she asleep?

ILANA: Which one?

MIKE: The baby.

ILANA: I put her in the crib but I don't think it's gonna take.

MIKE: What about Mazzy?

MAZZY (yelling from other room): I want some water!!!!!!

ILANA: Does that answer your question?

Mike starts to get up. Ilana panics.

ILANA: WHAT ARE YOU DOING????!!!!

MIKE: I'm getting her water.

ILANA: Are you CRAZY???

MIKE: We can't get her water?

ILANA: If we get her water, then she is just going to scream for something else.

MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!

MIKE: So, what? Ignore her?

ILANA: Yes, ignore her.

MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!

MIKE: She's never going to shut up.

ILANA: You have to wait it out.

MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!

(silence)

MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!

(silence)

MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!

MIKE: I'm getting her water.

ILANA: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can't get it for her NOW!!! You'll just be reinforcing that she has to yell repeatedly until she gets what she wants.

MIKE: So what you're saying is, if I was going to get her water, I should have gotten her water when she first yelled it?

ILANA: Yes.

MIKE: You mean, when I first got up to get her the water and you told me not to?

MAZZY: I WANT SOME WATER!!!!!

ILANA: She's not even going to drink the water. I got her water last night and she just put it next to her bed without even taking a sip.

MIKE: You got her water last night?

ILANA: Yeah. But she asked while I was still in there putting her to bed.

MIKE: You're sending mixed messages!!! The rules aren't clear!

MAZZY: I WAAAAAANT SOME WAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!

ILANA: Don't answer her.

MAZZY: I WAAAAAAAAANT SOME WAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(silence)

MAZZY: I WAAAAAAAAAAANT SOME WAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(silence)

MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIKE: GO TO SLEEP, MAZZY!!!

ILANA: What did you do that for????

MIKE: What?

ILANA: We were getting through to her and you ruined it!

MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!

MIKE: I don't think we were getting through to her.

ILANA: Well, not now that you ruined it.

MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!

MIKE: Ignoring her isn't working.

ILANA: It will! You just have to make it through the extinction burst.

MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIKE: The what?

ILANA: It has to get really bad before it stops.

MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ILANA: Giving in at the height of the tantrum is the worst thing you can do.

MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ILANA: Then the next time, she will escalate to the crazy place that much faster.

MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!........ WAAAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!!!!!........ WAAAAAAAAAATER!!!!!!!!........ WAAAAAATER!!!!!.....................WAAATER!!!!!................... WAAAATER!!!!!!......................... WAATER!!............................................ WATER!!!!....................................................... WATER!!!............................................ WATER!................................................................ Water!......................................water!......................................... water....................................................................

(silence)

(more silence)

(even more silence)

ILANA: See? We just had to--

HARLOW: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

ILANA & MIKE: OH F*CK.

End Scene

-------------------------------------

There. I just saved you $12.50.

This post originally appeared on Mommy Shorts.

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