Imam Khalid Latif is blogging his reflections during the month of Ramadan, featured daily on HuffPost Religion. For a complete record of his previous posts, click over to the Islamic Center at New York University or visit his author page, and to follow along with the rest of his reflections, sign up for an author e-mail alert above, visit his Facebook page or follow him on Twitter.
Last night in Abu Dhabi I met a young man who after my lecture asked if we could talk. He, like many others I have listened to in different parts of the world, started off by saying, "I have a problem with my parents..."
Ibn 'Umar said, "Allah has called them the 'dutiful' (al-Abrar) because they are dutiful (birr) to their parents and children. Just as you have a duty which you owe your parent, so you have a duty which you owe your child."
It's easy to find discussions in Muslim communities that focus on how Islam says parents should be treated by their children. You don't always see so much that speaks to how parents are supposed to take care of our children. Many of the people who come to see me have issues in understanding their relationships with their parents. More often than not, there is a blanket misconception that somehow equates honoring one's parents to believing one's parents are always right. It's confusing to many when it's ok to disagree and if that disagreement is somehow tantamount to displeasing God. In some instances, clear limits are transgressed but somehow justified by this idea that a parent can do no wrong.
I've sat with men and women, young and old, who can tell you horrific stories of how those who are entrusted to look after them have not upheld that responsibility. Issues with abuse, verbal, physical and sexual, at the hands of fathers, mothers whose only form of communication with daughters is by yelling and voicing disappointment, forced marriages, feelings of being unloved and neglected, and much more. But somehow it is those who are going through these things that find it the hardest to say that kind of treatment is wrong.
A young woman came to see me once and told me how her father was negligent of her and her sisters and abusive of her mother. She said he drank a lot and not only had open affairs with many women, but kept their pictures around the house. She described everything with a certain calmness and at the end of asked a question that I did not expect. "Is it haraam, (religiously impermissible), for me to dislike my father?"
I posed this scenario to an audience I was lecturing to in a mosque outside of NYC. I then broke them up into group of 10 and asked them to discuss what they would tell this young girl if she came to them with the same case and question. When we came to discuss as a group, not one person could comfortably say that it was ok for her to dislike her father. Where does this hesitation come from? I would argue that it is rooted in the simplistic discourse that we have around family development and familial duty. Islam is about reality and it's time to start dealing with the reality that not every parent is a good one.
Most people in general have a desire to know if they are good, and the way they affirm that goodness is from the acceptance of people around them. A lot of Muslims derive their sense of validation from the approval of their parents. A parent's happiness somehow indicates the happiness of God, and getting a parent upset becomes extremely problematic, because how will God be happy with one who gets their parents upset? It's not fair to let a child think they are somehow deficient by taking unfair advantage of a misconstrued idea of what it means to respect parents. We are producing generations of young people who are scared to take risks because they get no positive reinforcement from their elders. That, coupled with the reality that everything possible is unleashed when one makes a mistake, makes it really hard for some children to grow. The two biggest instances where issues seem to arise are marriage and career choice. Conversations on these, and many other subjects, become hard to have due to a critical gap in communication. A child confused and backed into a corner doesn't really know what to do now. In most instances, the emotional trauma builds up and young people turn to unhealthy outlets to deal with the pain they experience from a parent unwilling to listen. I've sat with young girls who have developed eating disorders because their mothers tell them they are not beautiful enough and that's why no one is marrying them, young men who cut themselves because they can't deal with being a constant disappointment to their fathers, and people of all backgrounds who start to lose touch with their Islam because seemingly all of it is justified from this regurgitated discourse of "your parents are always right."
Starting the communication is easier said then done. If you find yourself in the place when you have a child, please take a moment to reflect deeply on how you treat him or her. Do you tell them you are proud of them? Do you treat them the same as your other children? Are your daughters and sons treated the same? Do you hug them and tell them that you love them? When they make mistakes, do you help them to understand? Your children will look up to you and it's important to play a role in their lives, but you can't live your life through them.
If you find yourself in a situation in which you don't connect with your parent, find someone to speak with about it. Don't let emotions build up inside that should be bottled up. Will every parent come around? There will be some parents who won't understand and others who will eventually come to understand what it is that you are going through. The end goal should not be complete agreement, but opening up a channel of communication that lets both parties feel respected and understood. Taking the steps necessary to deal with the situation should include someone who understands you and your given circumstance. This probably won't come through listening to a lecture on youtube or even at a conference, but rather should take place face-to-face with someone who knows and understands you and can help you in your given circumstance. You are important enough for specific attention.
The Prophet Muhammad was an amazing parent and grandparent. He would play games with his grandchildren Hasan and Husain, tell them he loved them, and be there for them in so many different ways. His relationship with his daughter Fatima was so beautiful. She is said to have resembled him more than anyone else and she would be with him in many different gatherings and meetings. When he was in final stages of life, he was seen whispering in her ear. At first she cried and then she laughed. When asked what is it that was said to her, she responded, "The Prophet first told me secretly that he would expire in that disease in which he died, so I wept; then he told me secretly that I would be the first of his family to follow him, so I laughed." When she is about to pass away months later, we are told that she readies herself with a bath and clean clothing, eagerly anticipating being with her father again. Would our children react the same way if they knew they were going to spend an eternity with us?
If the answer to that is no, then we need to start making some changes. Start by telling your child that you love him or her and don't let them ever believe for a moment, regardless of what they do, that you will ever stop.
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I would elaborate, that, this "simplistic discourse" is the result of the attempted reduction of Islam, over the past few generations, into nothing more than a matter of imposed dos and don'ts. And, this responsibility falls heaviest on the scholars. Freedom is only with faith.
Supposed leaders all over the world seek to silence and control the masses using any means they can find. Whatever the flag they wave, the dictators of the world have their police officers, and, now, parents.
Force always fails. Success finds no one who fears the people. Freedom is only with faith.
Btw, this is not aimed personally to you. I meant as in general :)
Disrespect either way is inappropriate.
Now disrespect to Jews and infidels, well that is ok and even spoken to al length.
The use of the word encouraged isn't too broad a term.
But between family members within the faith, it is important.
As for those outsiders, well not so important.
I realized when I was a young adult that I was more mature than my mother. My father was absent and my mother was overbearing and abusive, both verbally and physically. So this led to years of not feeling worthy.
I am happy to report that somewhere in my mid-30's I stopped allowing her to emotionally blackmail me. She still tries but it no longer works on me.
I love my mother and accept her with her faults. It does sadden me greatly that I cannot spend as much time with her as I would like. She is 69 years old and not in wonderful health. But being around her is difficult because she is negative and critical on a good day. This is the opposite of how I live my life.
Because of my childhood, I chose not to abuse my children. That may sound strange but when someone is raised in abuse the cycle usually continues. I tried to do things differently by using my personal experiences to guide me -- not doing things to them that made me feel bad when I was young. As a result, all three of my children are productive members of society. I've made mistakes because I'm human and fallible but I never knowingly did anything to hurt them.
Whatever they are, whoever they are, our parents are perennially our great teachers; we share their successes and learn from their mistakes. It cannot be said for granted that good leaders/successful person always come from good families or good parents; they come from abusive families as well – so, how does it happen?
It is human nature to blame others for their failures; at first place we blame our own parents.
The Qur'an is very much explicit about our roles and responsibilities to our parents – even they sin, even they insist us to associate partner with God - a serious sin in Islam; following verses are just reminder:
31:14 “We enjoined the human being regarding his parents. His mother bore him with hardship upon hardship, and his weaning takes two calendar years. You shall give thanks to Me, and to your parents. To Me is the final destiny.”
31:15 “If they strive to make you set up any partners besides Me, then do not obey them. But continue to treat them amicably in this world. You shall follow only the path of those who have sought Me. Ultimately, you all return to Me, then I will inform you of everything you have done.”
For their fault let others punish them - not we.
What saddens me is sometimes I feel I have hide who I am around my parents, even now at 25. It's not a good feeling. It is for instance, quite silly that I still have to lie about things like fasting or be told not to dress a certain way in front of family because it's "unIslamic", when it is something I do not like to hide or pretend with anyone, Muslim or non-Muslim. While I realize my parents don't need to know everything about me, that sense of approval and love is still needed even at this age. I know you did not mention this in your article Imam Khalid, but Muslim kids, and generally many children of immigrants do have to live double lives. I find it almost humorous seeing Muslim parents become shocked when they find out things about their kids that they never expected. Sure there are those "good kids" who did not "stray off the right path", but I think Muslim parents really need to stop these comparisons and really stop caring what people think.
I have always been impressed by these kids, by how MORE respectful they were of their parents. I felt that the older ways that called for respect for parents and elders were RIGHT and that an American attitude that allows for disrespect of parents and elders was WRONG. But I think you've drawn an important distinction--- that it's OK to dislike or disagree with a parent, if not necessarily to be disrespectful.
So perhaps this is that middle line is between an "Old World" mentality that calls for total respect, even when parents are beating/shaming children in a complete disrespect of the childrens' very being; vs. a "New World" mentality that allows for some children to disrespect parents, to neglect and forget their duties as children. Something like: being dutiful and respectful IS required; but ALWAYS liking or agreeing with parents? Not required. Never forgetting parents? Required. Being aware that it's OK to seek out other adults as mentors and guides when parents are not adequately able to be these people? FINE.
You raise important issues and ones that I think are absolutely apropos for a lot of the young Muslims I know here in NY....
Thank you so much for you Ramadan Reflections, i've been reading them throughout. They helped me understand better in many ways. God bless you. Looking forward to your upcoming articles. Cheers!!