Scared to Be Thin?

Do you find that no matter what you do, you can't let yourself lose weight and keep it off? Well, there is a reason you are trying to lose weight. I'm not psychic but I bet I know what it is. Because you gained weight? At some point, even if this happened very young, you gained weight. You took in more calories than you burned and stored them as fat. There is/was a reason why you gained weight. There is a reason, or many reasons, why you took in more calories than you were burning. For real long term weight loss and even more importantly, weight maintenance, to be successful, the reasons for the weight in the first place, need to be addressed.

I gained weight for many reasons. I went from waitress to psychotherapist. One job was extremely active, the other was not. I also found that I used food for lots of reasons that had nothing to do with hunger and fueling my body. When I was single, food was my party. I'd look for "fun" things to eat. Bored? Eat. Lonely? Eat. Angry? Eat. Happy? Eat. Hungry? Hmm.... Oh yeah, eat.

Even 20 plus years ago when I was trying to control my weight I understood about calories. I tried to count them and thank heavens the labeling laws have changed and the information on the food we are consuming is much more accurate now. Back then I found these fabulous muffins, called No Muffins. The label said: no sugar, no salt, no etc... It also said the muffin was 140 calories. I would eat two a day. It turned out these muffins were closer to 700 calories a piece. I couldn't understand why, when I was only taking in 1,200 calories a day, and exercising, I was gaining weight. That company has since gone out of business.

Some of us put on weight because we didn't want to look too good and be sexually attractive. If we have bad associations with being attractive, and/or with being sexual, then this can be very scary. If when we thought we looked good we were taken advantage of, rejected, used, etc... we can decide it was because of how we looked and not because of how we behaved or because of circumstances beyond our control. The idea that the weight is a protection from being hit on is dangerous because it is partly true. When you are obese, you are less sexually attractive. This makes biological sense because you are also less healthy. We have an inborn drive to perpetuate the species by choosing the healthiest, cutest, mate. There really are less chances of having to deal with advances when you are heavy. The perceived notion then, is that there is less chance of being hurt. Now, if you didn't have to be heavy 24/7 and could just put it on when you were afraid of being hit on, this could work. The fact that you have to walk around heavy, even when you're home alone, just in case someone out there finds you attractive is overkill. Don't you think? What we tell little children who want to hit their buddies because they are angry at them is, "Use Your Words." I use this phrase all the time with my overweight clients who use weight as protection. They are using their bodies for fear they won't be able to say "No" when they need to. For people using weight as protection, the issues are best addressed with a qualified, competent therapist who specializes in this area. You can have all the information in the world about how to lose weight but what you also need is courage and the tools to deal with the changes that come as a result.

My fear, as I began to lose weight, was that I would get hit on all the time. That I would have to be saying "No" constantly and it would be like Marilyn Monroe walking down the street with a trail of suitors vying for her attention. I purposely wore baggy clothes and no make-up while I was losing to keep the men at bay. Slowly, at my lower weight, I got the courage to wear clothes that fit. Let me just say that the men suitors, while there was more attention with 65 lbs. gone, were not following me around, asking me out constantly. I live in Los Angeles. The most beautiful people in the world come here to try and make it in Hollywood. Occasionally someone would come up and say something, but I was more than able to handle it.

An important point to keep in mind is that the people closest to you, do not want you to change. Even if you are 400 lbs. and in physical danger, the people closest to you want you to stay the same old (insert your name here) that you have always been. No, this isn't because they want you to be miserable, or because of some shortcoming of their's. It is actually normal. Any family system, friend system, work system, have ways of operating. We get used to our loved ones, friends and co-workers. We expect them to be the way they have always been. When someone changes, then we all have to change. If Megan was a 250 lbs. 33 year old single, attorney and she loses 100 lbs. and starts dating and looking amazing, we have to change to accommodate Megan. Let's say we are friends with Megan and we used to have girls night out. She was the one that would be left sitting after everyone else hooked up. Now, you are still there sitting and Megan is out there dancing. Yuck. If you are her coworker and Megan used to work non-stop and now that she is dating, Megan works less and you have to work more. Yuck. If you are her sister and she was always the heavy one and you the pretty one and now Megan is also pretty and not only that but because of the big change in her, she is getting a lot of attention. Yuck. So, you can see that Megan might get some less than positive comments from these people that feel more comfortable with 250 lbs. Megan. We hope that when we embark on self improvement that those around us will support us and applaud. When they don't, or even go so far as to sabotage us, then we get thrown off if we don't understand it and don't know how to work with it.

Don't know if you're scared or not? You'll know if when your weight starts to go down, your anxiety starts to go up. You'll know if you get to a certain weight and start letting things slide. "Oh, I have lost ten pounds; I deserve a high calorie day (or two, or three)."

You'll know if when people start commenting on how good you look, it throws you into a panic. If you expect and can work with these feelings, you will be better able to lose weight and keep it off.

That's it for now. Good luck and let me know how you're doing.

Comments

[AsISeeIt]

I wonder why it is I gained the weight? Because looking at pictures over the course of my life, I am pretty sure it was in the womb. Did I have image issues then? I have been somewhat heavy (by conventional standards) my whole life--really. It has also never stopped me, physically or emotionally, from doing what I want to do. My biggest hurdle has been dealing with prejudice and the unrealistic body standards placed on women-- which I think conribute to the whole range of eating disorders, including obesity. I think sometimes we need to get back to the things we learned on Sesame Street-- that some people are big or small, some are short or tall-- and stop this obsession that you can only be attractive or happy if you weigh a certain amount. Relax. Go to therapy, sure, and if there are demons, slay them. Go to the gym if thats your thing. Eat less processed food. But some of us just like our food, and our metabolism isnt quite speedy enough to keep up. More and more studies are confirming how much of this stuff is genetic. And you know what? I get hit on as I am now. Men arent so fat-phobic as the media leads you to believe. Anyone can be beautiful. Anyone. Teach children that, and I guarantee most of them will find their health right along with their happiness. But lets not assume being heavy=being unhappy.

[goat666]

AlexandraErin,
it doesn't quite make sense to argue from evolution when one can see clearly that European women are much slimmer than their American counterparts. Since genetics can't possibly be that different, especially as evolution takes a much longer time to operate than the few thousand years of European history, one can only conclude: American women are larger because they eat more. The size of every meal is 3 times what is eaten in Europe, and from E=mc^2 we know that these excess calories turn into mass. The idea that men are 'just fine' with dating large women is also preposterous; the reality is that in America, men just don't have a choice, and so more and more are fleeing to other countries, where food and weight are still under control.

And moreover, America seems to be the only country where women have convinced themselves that slim is not necessarily sexy. Anywhere outside of the States, the hotness of slim women is still taken as a given, as it should be.

[emily12345]

I totally agree with this. I lost 20 pounds 3 years ago and though not thin, i felt like I was looked at 20 times more by men then before and it freaked me out. I felt good physicly but I didnt like the attention. I've now gained like 50 pounds I know its not the reason but deffinitly part of it.

[Skye]

Once again you're right on target Irene. I've lost weight only to put it on again because of some the reasons you've mentioned.

[gfk]

This article is excellent. I have been through all of it too and am now thin. It is all about calories. Of course eating unhealthy food isn't good for weight or health but reducing calories is the only way to lose weight. All of you protein people are taxing your bodies and taking in less calories anyway. Give me a break. I try now to only eat if I'm hungry but either way I keep track of the calories. Thank you for this post, Irene.

[LunaLea]

I was skinny all my life. I never thought men would be chasing me around for sex just because i was skinny. I never lacked for dates when I was single, but I thought it was supposed to be that way. After my twin boys were born 14 years ago, I didn't lose the weight I gained, but I don't think it's because I'm afraid I'll get hit on. I think this is just silly.

[AlexandraErin]

The reason as many as 98% of diets fail in the long term is that all those dieters are afraid of being dangerously sexy? I'm not denying that weight gain as defense mechanism ever happens, but I doubt the average yo-yo dieter ever seriously worried about being mobbed like Marilyn Monroe. Give me a break.

There's so many things wrong with this post... from the tacit assumption that fat women can't find romance, to the outdated and overly simplistic "Human Being As Bunsen Burner" model of "calories in, calories out", to the utterly exploded notion that fat in itself is unhealthy and thus the very modern, very new idea that skinny girls are the ideal of beauty is somehow evolutionary rooted...

Are you sure the real reason people have a hard time keeping weight of doesn't have anything to do with the little fact that the evolution has conditioned the human body to fight against conditions which result in using more energy than it takes in (aka, starvation or famine) by adjusting every aspect of the metabolism in order to make sure that more energy isn't "burned" than is available, so that the more you try to restrict your calories, the less and less you're able to consume and keep losing weight or even maintain your loss? Until you end up with a woman who has to work out for hours every day and can't eat more than anorectic levels of calories without re-gaining and is still "overweight"?

Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with that?

But I suppose that answer won't result in an unending stream of business for therapists, will it? No. For that to happen, the problem's got to be emotional at its root.

[LeftHandedMama]

"There is 100 percent efficacy"

No, no there isn't. It's NOT as simple as that. It worked FOR YOU because that's what your body needed. That does NOT mean it works for everyone. My God, I feel like I'm in kindergarten.

[LeftHandedMama]

This reads like a stream-of-consciousness diary entry of a 13 year old girl,if that. Ms. Keller, it would seem you got your medical expertise from playing a nurse on General Hospital. It also would seem you got your writing expertise from reading too many notes passed in the seventh grade.

Also? The Megan analogy? Incredibly narcissistic. It is not a zero-sum game. What Megan gets does NOT have to be "taken away from" everyone else. Here's a scenario - you're out cutting a rug with a cute guy and when you look to the sidelines, Megan isn't there...she's also cutting a rug with a cute guy. Except that the analogy is based on the ludicrous belief that fat women don't get men. Um, yeah they do.

"When you are obese, you are less sexually attractive. This makes biological sense because you are also less healthy."

Fat women are less sexually attractive? To/says whom? Most men do not agree with you. Less healthy? Don't make me guffaw. For 30 THOUSAND years fat women have been considered MORE aesthetically pleasing and MORE healthy - only in the last century has it been seen as ugly and unhealthy. Check the Venus of Willendorf, any ART from the past millenia. Jeez.

"What we tell little children...is, "Use Your Words." I use this phrase all the time with my overweight clients"

So you speak to grown women in the terms you use with freaking preschoolers? And they let you get away with that? Who ARE you?

[b2dap]

I'm sure there are psychological reasons for overeating, but taking in more calories than you're burning is a common myth regarding weight loss or gain - it's simply not true.
There is a mountain of scientific evidence that shows this to be a myth.
Sugar and refined carbohydrates are the evils of the modern world - causing many of the diseases we Westerners face (including tooth decay, constipation, diverticular disease, colon cancer, varicose veins, hemorrhoids, obesity, diabetes and coronary disease.)
It is proven that it is sugar and refined carbohydrates - which drive insulin production - which drives weight gain.
It is the eating of carbohydrates that also makes you constantly hungry - when you give them up, you'll see that you are much more satiated and not hungry all the time.
We have been on a low fat high carbohydrate diet since the 80's and we have been exercising vigorously - yet we are more obese, have a much higher rate of diabetes, and Coronary disease is running rampant!
The low fat approach simply doesn't work.
I have struggled with my weight for my entire life - and have recently lost 60lbs by cutting out sugar and refined carbohydrates only.
There is 100 percent efficacy in this approach to weight loss!
It is literally impossible to get obese eating a high protein high fat diet - and you can get all of your required vitamins and minerals with a diet of this type - with the exception of vitamin C - which is arguable.
If you'd like to read more about this check out the book "Good Calories, Bad Calories" by Gary Taubes.

[fisharefreinds]

Well, I'm just beginning and I have all the above issues plus, believeing I do not deserve to be happy and feel good about myself. How do you get around the belief that staying fat and in a uncomfortable body is all you deserve? The therapist I went too for this years ago was obese and she (I think) trully believed this junk too. She said it was a "feminist issue," but I think she was full of it. No help there!