QUESTION
Hi Irene,
I've been struggling with this problem for years, but it's finally taking a toll on me. I've had cancer for over 18 years. I was diagnosed when I was 21 so I've essentially had it my entire adult life. I've learned to cope with it quite well and live a normal, healthy life despite having a chronic illness.
When I was first diagnosed and going through surgeries and treatment a lot of my friends vanished. It hurt a lot, but we were all very young and I know that most of my friends just didn't have the maturity to deal with such a tough situation. I moved on, made new friends, but it still hurt a lot knowing I had so many fair weather friends.
Now I am 38. Most of the people in my life now know that I've had cancer, but they've never seen me sick so I suppose it's hard for them to comprehend all that I went through. I recently had a recurrence and again, many friends are falling by the wayside. I don't know how to cope with this anymore. I learned long ago that it was best to not talk about it too much and to exude a positive attitude. I've tried reassuring the people close to me that even though this is a set back, I've always responded well to treatment in the past so there's no reason to think I won't continue to do so. I am constantly reassuring my friends and family that everything will be okay, but even with all my attempts to comfort those around me, still I am getting the cold shoulder.
So today I am angry and hurt. My phone has not rung in four days. I've sent a couple emails to one best friend asking if she'd like to meet for coffee next week and I received no reply. This isolation is the absolute hardest part of this illness. I feel completely alone and unloved and I know I do not deserve to feel this way. I am getting involved in a support group again which is wonderful, but I miss my friends. I miss my regular life. I miss being able to call a friend knowing that she's going to be excited to see me calling. Now I know she cringes and puts the phone to voice mail because it's easier to avoid me rather than face reality.
None of these people knows how frightening it is knowing I'm truly alone in this. If I can't count on my dearest friend to meet me for coffee then what the heck is going to happen if I'm too sick to drive myself to the hospital for treatment? Who's going to take me home after having surgery? And heaven forbid I might want to have someone visit me when I'm having a bad day. I am at a complete loss.
I can deal with the medical side of cancer. Treatment and surgery are tough but I can take it. The isolation I feel from the people around me though is the most horrible thing I have had to deal with in all of this and it hurts more than anyone can possibly understand. I will persevere. I always do. But, I fear that emotionally, I may not recover so well. I would like to find a neutral way to let the people around me know how hurt I am without making them feel bad. I can't think of a way to do this though. If I am upfront and tell them how much they've hurt me, it will only further drive them away. Is there anyway to resolve this and help strengthen my relationships with these people? Or should I cut my losses and try once again to make new friends and hope they don't do the same thing? I just don't want to be sad anymore.
Signed,
Pam
ANSWER
Hi Pam,
With improved treatments, more and more people are living with cancer, which is now viewed as a chronic illness. While it has to be terribly disappointing to have family and friends scatter and hide when you need them most, this type of reaction is common.
Unfortunately, many people are so frightened of illness and their own mortality that they wind up turning their backs when their support is most needed. They're simply incapable of responding otherwise.
When you're feeling vulnerable and need all the love you can get, this can be extremely unnerving. Although it has to feel very personal, try not to take it personally. It has more to do with the their own frailties and limitations than their feelings about you. You've come to terms with this illness over the course of many years; you have little choice but to let them deal with this on their own terms and timeline.
In the meantime, seek out the people around you who are more capable of being supportive even if it means your friendships are limited to a paltry few. Let them know how they can help and support you in concrete ways.
Remind your friends that your life isn't defined by cancer alone. Perhaps, you can plan a fun event with a friend, maybe an overnight at a spa or casino, so she can see you in a different, more relaxed light. As you mention, support groups with people who have been there can be extremely important in your life right now.
I'm truly sorry about your recurrence and wish I had better answers. Perhaps your post will give others some food for thought and contribute to better understanding.
Warm regards,
Irene
Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine
The I'm Too Young For This! Foundation
http://www.stupidcancer.com
(Matt Zachary and Jennifer Owen, below, belong to this group as well as me.)
Also, there is a wonderful place that hooks up survivors with other survivors like them:
http://www.imermanangels.org
I am so sorry your friends deserted you, but you can make new ones! The cancer community (and especially us young adults,) are here for you!
I also want to echo Matt's comments above - I'm Too Young For This! has been an amazing support system for me - please check it out and connect with us. You're not alone. You're kicking cancer's butt, and there are a lot of us out here ready to cheer you on!
I'd like to invite you to be my personal guest at the 4th Annual OMG! Cancer Summit For Young Adults being held in NYC the weekend of April 16-17. The website is http://OMG2011.org. There you will be surrounded by over 400 fellow young adult survivors who will be your friends for life, will not judge you and know *exactly* what it's been like for you.
I am the founder of the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation – the nation's largest support community for young adults affected by cancer. Online at http://stupidcancer.com. I hope you get this comment and I hope to hear from you soon.
Cancer does suck but you are certainly not alone
Matthew Zachary
I can only imagine how this must feel for you, Pam. And I agree about the frailties of humans, Irene... and the sage advice to remember that it's about them. The saddest truth is that that doesn't make this less awful-for anyone.
Irene, the hardest hitting/best thing you said, was, for me, "...you have little choice but to let them deal with this on their own terms and timeline."
THAT'S the hard part. Recognizing that there's nothing to be DONE about it.
Pam, I wanted to offer one way past it. And that would be for you, when seeing this behavior in others, to say to yourself, "Aha... my dear friend, I understand what this is that I'm seeing you do. It's your fear of losing ME and maybe of your own mortality, and no one can deal with that except you. I hope you find a way past it, and a way back to me and us."
Then, having noticed, and recognized, send the friend loads of love, and release her from any expectation of how you wanted her to be/respond.
The problem, itself, isn't in the wanting or expecting. It's in expecting what another cannot find a way to give. Letting go of that will help you find more people who are differently able, and who will stand with you, through good and bad.
Much love to you both,
Anastacia
I honestly think, especially for those in their family-raising ages, that this country has produced a lifestyle that make people feel they can't even devote the proper amount of time to their own children and needs....the ability to reach out and be there for a friend in any kind of need is rarer and rarer.
Those who would have done this kind of reaching out...stay-at-home mothers/married women of the community being the basis for much of it in times past...no longer can even contemplate it. It's overwhelming to even think about yet another person's needs, and for the BEST of us, it's a skill...so very very few seem to be taught to look out for those in their own world who might need them.
We've created a society in which we've been convinced that overly long hours and some strange idea of "success" out weighs, and is ALWAYS more important than the people in our lives and homes. We skip our childrens entire childhoods in favor of looking dedicated to Corporate America.