QUESTION
Dear Irene,
A college friend named Leah recently dumped me. I graduated but she's still in her final year. We live three-hours apart but we've met up about a dozen times since graduation in May. The last few times, she was very distant and seemed to actively avoid talking or being with me (we were always in the company of other people).
In October, after one such occasion, I texted saying I felt hurt and couldn't understand why she was cold and distant. She replied saying I was selfish, and didn't understand how tired she was after work and so forth. I felt guilty for saying anything at all and didn't initiate any contact for about three weeks. I sent her texts and called numerous times in November but she never responded. Just before Christmas, she answered one of my calls and apologized for having not been in touch sooner. She said that she would like to stay friends but we had to realize how different we both had become.
We celebrated New Year's Eve with a mutual friend and others and she went out of her way to ignore me and seemed hostile, making occasional snide remarks. When I pressed our mutual friend about it, she revealed that Leah had told her that "our friendship was over." This upset me and I confronted Leah about it. She shrugged it off and suggested we forget about it and not spoil the night. For a while after that, she replied to my text messages.
Then she stopped responding to my efforts to get in touch. I had always initiated contact over the past six months. Then I found out from a mutual friend that Leah had a party and didn't invite me. This was really upsetting so I called her. She didn't answer, but she responded to a message I sent her and confirmed what I didn't want to believe: That she no longer wanted to be friends because all we do is bicker. This has some truth to it because we don't always agree on everything but I have a feeling there's more to it than this.
I now have to hear about what's going on in her life (or snippets of it) from our mutual friend (we were BFFs and roomies in college) and it hurts me to think Leah could just dump me like this. I know friendships go awry when people move but it's only been a few months. I don't know how to deal with this and I'm wondering if I should write her a letter and see if she might be open to resolving or discussing our issues? I have little or no hope that we can go back to the way we were as friends but I want some sort of closure. Then we can go our separate ways permanently. I feel like I should try and contact her one last time to try to have a heart to heart. What should I do? I feel so hopeless.
Signed,
Karen
ANSWER
Dear Karen,
It sounds like your friend decided to cut off her relationship with you some time ago and you haven't yet accepted it. She's been cold and distant, and hasn't initiated any contact with you for months. Responses to your repeated calls and emails have been sporadic, at best. She's told you that she doesn't feel the same way about you as she did when you were in school together and told your common friend that your relationship with her is over. Is there anything else you really need to hear from her?
At this point, you need to take her at her word and put this friendship behind you. Regardless of the specifics of what caused her to change her mind---your graduation, the distance of three hours, or life style differences---your relationship isn't what it was.
Leah hasn't been forthcoming and direct so you can't expect to get closure from her. You need to put this friendship to bed on your own and just move on. You also need to tell your mutual friend that you aren't interested in hearing about Leah any more because the two of you have grown apart. Since you have mutual friends, you need to prepare yourself for the possibility of bumping into Leah in a social setting. Figure out what you would say, in advance, so you aren't caught off guard. You might simply say something like---"Hello, it's good to see you. Hope things are going well for you"----being gracious, without going further.
It always hurts to be dumped without having any say in the matter but it will be less painful and you will heal more quickly over time if you take control of what you can, by making the decision to let go.
I hope this is helpful.
Best,
Irene
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Irene S. Levine, PhD is a freelance journalist and author. She holds an appointment as a professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. Her new book about female friendships, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, was recently published by Overlook Press. She also blogs about female friendships at The Friendship Blog and at PsychologyToday.com.