QUESTION
Dear Irene,
I've had a great best friend for about 6 years now. We were always depending on each other, hanging out together practically every week. She's been in a new relationship for about a year now and doesn't want to hang out with me. She says that she wants to be selfish and focus on herself, but I see her hanging out with his friends and other people.
That's okay. She's doing her own thing. But then when she texts or messages me, "I miss you, let's do the gym," it makes me not want to hang out with her. I wasn't the one who decided to be selfish!
We leaned on each other and when she was in other relationships, she balanced hanging out with friends/family and with the men in her life. I don't understand what happened?? Somehow this new guy provoked a change in our friendship. When I asked her why we don't hang out or talk anymore, she actually said that I had no self-esteem or confidence. I didn't understand because I just wanted to go out to dinner or the mall whatever---like take two hours of her life in a week. That was all.
That comment kinda made me not want to talk to her. But I remember her always saying that she did not like friends who were all about their guys and forget their friends.
Signed,
Allie
ANSWER
Hi Allie,
Although she's been giving you mixed messages, your friend has dumped you. But the cut hasn't been clean. She backs off and then she tries to reel you back in. No wonder you're confused. It may be due to her new boyfriend, changed feelings she has about her friendship with you, or something else that she isn't willing to discuss. Telling you that you have no self-esteem was harsh and probably only made you feel worse.
Her saying she wants to be selfish suggests she wants to call all the shots. Begging her for more time or consistency, when she doesn't want to hang out with you as she once did, just makes to you come off as needy. It has to make you feel lousy, too. My advice: Back off and get involved with other people for the time being. It sounds like she's just not that into you at the moment and you deserve a better friend.
Best,
Irene
Prior posts about getting dumped on The Friendship Blog: