Five Ways to Unload A Toxic Friend

Contrary to the myth of best friends forever, many female friendships don't always turn out the way we hoped they would. The friend who is constantly making one-sided demands of you is one disappointing example.

When a close friend is always in need of one thing or another -- money, favors, introductions, coddling, praise, or simply more time than you have to give -- the relationship begins to grow weary. You feel like you're walking around with an emotional ball and chain around your ankle.

The term toxic friendship refers to a variety of relationships that are consistently negative and draining. The nature of these relationships is defined by patterns, not by one-time or occasional lapses in the reciprocity that is the essence of a healthy friendship.

Why would anyone put up with a friend like that? It, too, can be explained by the concept of reciprocity. Friendships continue when they are mutually satisfying -- even if the relationship is toxic. Many women have a hard time extricating themselves from these relationships. These include:

* People who like to feel needed
* People who feel like they aren't worthy of healthier, more balanced relationships
* People who are stuck -- either feeling angry or sorry for their needy friend

Get real: If your truly needy friend has been that way for some time, the real possibilities of changing the relationship verge on hopeless. Yet it's hard to find a way out. Here are some ways to unload:

1) Change the nature of your friendship by learning to say "no" and setting boundaries (e.g. "Even though we are both single, I don't want to spend every Friday night together" or "I can't have dinners with you after work because I need to get home to my family."')

2) Tell her that you have to tend to your own needs (or those of anyone else you can think of -- your mother, your kid, or your cat)

3) Slip away - Spend less time with her and add other less demanding friends to your inventory

4) Take a relationship sabbatical, a well-deserved hiatus from the friendship

5) If you've reached the point where you feel there is nothing really to lose, simply cut loose!

Get rid of the guilt. These are people whose needs can never be satiated. No matter what you give, what you do, how much, or how often, it will never be enough. Since character tends to endure, this person probably treats other people the same way she treats you. It's likely that many of her friends have probably already dropped out of the picture and that's why she is so dependent on you.

Based on online survey of more than 1300 women, Irene is writing a book about female friendships called The Myth of Best Friends Forever (Overlook Press, January 2009). Post your own experiences and questions in the comments section of this blog.

Comments

[Guitarsandmore]

Toxic people, who needs them? Cut 'em loose!

While we're at it let's get rid of all the Republicans, too! Most of our problems start with the Republicans and their silly ass policies that care for no one. Why should we care about them?

And then let's get rid of all the military guys cause they're always fighting and starting wars, killing people and a real drain on the budget. Who cares about those jar heads anyway.

Next go ahead and hunt down all the mentally ill people and euthanize them, I mean they're all suffering anyway so let's just put them out of their misery. Who needs them and who cares?

Then we could go after all the religious fanatics that propose they have the one true church and it's their way or the highway. How much more wrong could they be? Euthanize them! Who cares?

All of the media idiots that focus on the wrong issues at the wrong times are really doing the world a tremendous diservice so let's do everyone a favor and euthanize news readers, talking heads, hosts of news shows, reporters, and radio jocks. Who cares about people that make mistakes and focus on the wrong issues? Euthanize them!

Let's especially get rid of thin skinned bloggers who hate people and urge you to get rid of people because people are basically bad and have no value other to be a pain in the ass.

Can you dig it?

[Chazz27]

Irene, you are so right about cutting toxic friends loose. I had one in High School. I realized that she was toxic and our relationship would always be centered around her. I started trying to cut her loose my senior year and even left town for college. I would go visit friends and make my mom swear that she wouldn't tell her where I was. She would look for me and then would do things to sabotage relationships with other people. I was lucky to have other friends that recognized what she was doing. It took me many years to completely get her out of my life. Occasionally she still contacts my mother but she doesn't know how to contact me. That was one person I was happy to dump.