Friendship: Can you keep a secret? Should you?

QUESTION

Hi Irene,

I've been burdened with the knowledge that the husband of one of my closest friends was unfaithful to her. They have two very young children (one 3 years and the other 6 months old). I am certain that she is not aware of the incident. And I have known about it for several months, debating on what I should do about it.

I believe that the knowledge will severely damage their marriage and I don't want to be the one to cause the damage and ruin the children's family. I do understand that I am not the one that caused the problem, the cheater is; but I would be the one that told.

Whenever I consider just keeping this to myself I just feel terrible for my friend not knowing what a creep her husband is and what a bad friend the woman he cheated with is to her (this will also ruin her marriage, she also has two young children). And of course, I have no idea if the incident I know about is the only time he has done something like this to her.

I have considered talking to the husband about it and trying to convince him to tell her. But I'm not sure if he would and I feel like I would end up blackmailing him in a sense "if you don't tell her I will"... And I feel like she would expect me to tell her if she could say so. I just don't know what to do. Please help.

Signed,
Sad Friend

ANSWER

Dear Sad Friend,

Your question was so challenging that I've struggled with it for a couple of days. I can imagine how uncomfortable this situation has to be.

Initially, I thought you should tell your friend about her husband's infidelity. Aren't friends supposed to tell each other everything, certainly everything that's important? I imagined you sitting with her at the playground or in her kitchen with her kids. I realized, if I were in your position, how uncomfortable I would feel withholding information like that from a close friend.

Then, I thought more logically about the consequences of telling her and not telling her---and came down squarely on the side of you not saying anything. As you point out, talking about this incident might further erode her marriage. There's also the risk that she might get angry that you didn't tell her sooner, feel exposed and embarrassed, or upset that you overstepped your boundaries as a friend and got involved at all.

Other questions popped into my mind as well:

• How can you be certain this transgression occurred?

• If it did, might your friend already know or suspect her husband's been unfaithful?

• Is there something more complicated going on within their marriage than what she has shared with you? Could they have an understanding that she hasn't told you about?

• Can you be absolutely certain that your friend would want to know this about her husband?

• Might her husband's transgression be a one-time thing that is over? What sense would it make to give it currency months later?

• If it's over for him, what is the sense of your raising the issue?

In general, when there are so many unanswered questions, the prudent approach seems to be to say nothing. Don't think of it, by any means, as you protecting her husband. Think of it as you protecting your friend. If her husband's infidelity continues, she will likely find out about it some other way and may come to you for support.

There is no hard and fast rule that says a friend has to tell her friend everything. Your responsibility as a friend, which you have taken very seriously, is to act in in ways that you believe are your friend's best interests.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

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Comments

[phnxrth]

04:31 PM on 04/01/2011

I agree with Irene's assessment. I had a fried years ago in the situation of being married to a player. I decided not to say anything. He even made things up about me, partly I'm sure because I knew and wasn't complicit, also presumably just to push me out of her life which she did.

Years later she divorced him and I feel good knowing I had no part in that decision making process. It wasn't my place.

[SDSanford]

08:54 AM on 03/29/2011

No one has really mentioned the children here. While I realize they are quite young, the aftermath of what might transpire if the parents divorce will effect their lives tremendously. Also even at their young stage of life, the erruption that may ensue at home by telling, then having parents continually fight, will trickle down to them if it unhinges their mom. My solution? Tell the Dad that you know and that you have no intention of discussing it with him or telling his wife, but there are these 'rumors' around that could hurt the stability of his family. Leave the rest up to him. Dr. Levine is right, there are so many unanswered questions that you can' t possibly be aware of, so leave them alone. I have teenagers but I so remember that vulnerable time when children are babies and you need all the support from your spouse as possible, and a stable home life. Hopefully you telling him that you 'heard' these accusations, will make him realize that he doesn't live in a bubble and any more discrestions could threaten what is most important in his life; his family. Hopefully. I would not tell my friend at this point, it could be just too much to handle esepcially if there are any financial problems and it is difficult to leave. Plus, it is their marriage, leave it up to him.

[BrendaNYC]

01:20 PM on 03/28/2011

This is just a terrible thing to face. However, I think I might have an answer. Speak to the husband, not your friend. Tell the husband what you know and how you feel and if he doesn't tell his wife you will.
If he has any decency (or sense of self-preservation) he will tell your friend himself. Evern, if he doesn't, I'm not sure I would tell her. She will hate you and never thank you. He however, will be living in constant fear of you spilling the beans!

[MotherWarrior]

09:56 AM on 03/28/2011

Oh my gosh. Having been in the position, I would only want to hear it from a friend if she were a very, very good, tried and true, loyal to the finish friend. No sense in telling the husband because he will deny it and you may come off as the bad one. But if one of my few besties had known (known, not suspected), I would have wanted to know from them and to have their support moving forward no matter what I decided (to give him another chance or not). Not to know but to wonder what is happening and why what you think is reality doesn't feel like reality is the worst feeling in the world and quite damaging. For the wife, living in a lie is a horrible way to exist. It's also a horrible position for a friend to be in, knowing both the offending parties.

There is no more foolish feeling than not knowing something like this. People always think the wife must know -- but she is often the last to know. It is unfathomable how deceptive a husband can be in his misleading behavior. My two cents.

[galinha]

09:41 AM on 03/28/2011

I am against telling. If a marriage is not working, the two people involved will "tell" themselves without outside help.

[Juliet Grames]

09:22 AM on 03/28/2011

Oh god, what a difficult problem. Kudos to the writer for thinking so carefully about this in advance--I feel like someone less thoughtful might have jumped into the conversation.

I think Dr. Irene's advice sounds like the best tack here, but it's still such an awful position to be in :(

[GothamKnight33]

10:41 AM on 03/28/2011

This.

Terrible spot to be in.