Question:
Dear Irene,
My best friend of 18 years always called me "the sister she never had". We live in the same city and used to talk on the phone at least 5 to 10 times a day and got together frequently. About two years ago she and her husband began divorce proceedings. I tried to be a supportive friend. I read everything I could on divorce, bought her books (divorce as well as inspirational), sent her cards, dropped off little gifts at her house, took her to see her church pastor on a particularly rough day, etc. I truly, in my heart, feel that I was there for her.
About a year ago, my health began to deteriorate due to multiple autoimmune issues, rendering me homebound. About this time, my friend began disconnecting from me. I realized I was always the one calling her. The phone calls were always about her divorce issues, she never got around to asking how I was.
In December I decided to quit calling her. It took three months for us to talk again, and that was only after I sent her an email telling her goodbye and that she didn't owe me any explanations, but that I recognized our friendship was over. She insisted it wasn't and came over to talk. She told me that she had just sort of "shut down" lately and hadn't really been doing anything or talking to other friends (though she later talked about her weekly Bible study she attended, her weekly girl scout meetings she led, etc.) I asked her if she was depressed due to her impending divorce and she adamantly denied that she was. I also asked her if I had done anything and she adamantly denied that as well. She said that we could choose to live in the past or move forward and she wanted to move forward.
I chose to let it go and called here and there to see how she was doing. Again, I realized she hadn't called me once and the conversations continued to focus on her divorce. I have enough sense to let her go, as I realize that I've really been the only one hanging on.
I don't understand what happened and guess I never will. We didn't really involve our husbands in our friendship, so it wasn't a matter of taking sides during the divorce or anything. She experienced her own health crisis in the past (which I was there to support her through), so I don't believe that my health issues made her uncomfortable. I can only surmise that she just grew tired of me, particularly as I was homebound and had little to offer in the way of "giving."
She's my son's godmother and I don't understand how or why she's abandoned my son as well. I no longer want a friendship with her as she's made it very clear that I don't mean anything to her. I'm not foolish enough to put myself through this again. My question is: How do I finally let go? I've detached emotionally, yet feel like I need some sort of resolution in letting go. I'm not sure that involves having any contact with her though. Any ideas? Thank you for your understanding and support,
Signed,
Chelsea
Answer:
Dear Chelsea,
After losing such a long and close friendship, you must feel a terrible sense of betrayal and loss.
You reached out to your ex-friend multiple times and she really let you down, especially given your medical problems. I don't think you can "surmise" what happened, nor would it be productive to do so. Continuing to ruminate about the friendship will only make you more depressed rather than bringing about closure. Instead, try to reframe your thinking to allow for the possibility that it had more to do with her than with you.
Clearly, you can't depend on her for resolution. It would have been great if she had been able to tell you what had happened at the time, but either she didn't want to or she wasn't able to do so. Given these circumstances, you need to bolster your resolve to stay away from a friendship that has turned out to be so hurtful. Moreover, don't allow this emotional entanglement to deter you from reaching out to and engaging with other people.
People change over time, sometimes in dramatic and unexpected ways. In fact, your ex-friend's ex-husband may have experienced feelings similar to yours at the time of the divorce. It's important to recognize that this happens far more often among friends than people realize or are willing to admit.
You may have detached yourself intellectually but you still seem emotionally attached. Hopefully, a tincture of time will help heal your feelings of loss.
My best wishes for your health,
Irene
Related prior posts on The Friendship Blog:
"A leap of faith: Dumped over religious differences"
Have a friendship problem or dilemma? Ask The Friendship Doctor for advice.
Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine
I have a group of girl friends whom I extremely close to. One in particular was one of my best friends - we'd talk for hours about everything, we were there for each other when life got tough, and we just generally enjoyed each other's company. However, after college, she became ill with an undiagnosed chronic illness and I moved to another country. I started receiving emails about how I was a bad friend and wasn't supporting her. Guilt stricken, I made more of an effort. Suddenly, I stopped hearing back from her completely. When I moved back home, we tried to salvage our friendship. But too much damage had been done and after an ultimatum about my relationship, we had an official falling out, and she refused all of my overtures.
That should have been it, right? Except I mourned the loss of our friendship. I missed my friend, despite all the bad things that had happened between us. I would have dreams about the way things were. I'd ask friends at home for updates (although she cut them off as well).
A year went by, and suddenly, this friend surfaced. She surprised me by stopping by my house on my last visit home (despite not having exchanged more than "Happy Birthday's" in a year). Since then, we've had casual facebook conversations about inane things maybe once a week. It's not much, but it's a start.
We will probably never get back to where we were, and that still makes me sad. However, friendships change and I'd rather have her in my life, however small, than not at all.
There are a lot of parasitic women out there. Plenty more other gals out there to make friends with. Cherish the goods ones & shed the bad!
Best friend for 20 yrs, i decided to stop contact to see if they would respond. After a year i got a little contact, but not much else. I don't expect anything, can't rely on them, they never make time for me when i come to visit, and they never visit me. Spent 3 weeks working on a project for him, never received even a thanx...
Pretty sad, but the reality is what it is, and i've made close friends elsewhere that actually do make time for me and care about my life.
A one-way friendship that ended when she had medical problems, was put on steroids that caused terrible mood-swings and she accused me of something I had not said or done. Even though it was not my words or actions, I called, left a message apologizing and hoping she was feeling better. Reaction - very nasty email and it really hurt.
BUT - life goes on. Funny - sometimes loss of one friend is not a bad thing - I have lots of company from the area where I used to live - more family visiting - friends from where I volunteer and in my neighborhood.