QUESTION
Hello Irene,
I am having a really hard time with my best friend. This whole relationship started out quite differently. She was attracted to me and fell in love with me at the very beginning. I reciprocated these feelings for a while but ultimately realized we weren't a match and decided we needed to focus on the friendship because she had, in fact, become my best friend.
She stayed in love with me although it was not what I thought was best or wanted; she was very depressed about my decision. I still spent everyday with her and we were so close. She always cared for me and showed me this amazing love that I've grown accustomed to.
We recently moved in together and everything has changed. She is always trying to become physical with me and sometimes I do give in. However, I was always the strong one in the relationship and she now seems to be taking over that role.
After telling me for three years she loves me and wants to be with me, she now suddenly doesn't feel that way. It seems she is no longer interested in spending time with me (when that used to be ALL she wanted to do), and she seems to be "living it up" with other people and acting so differently from the person I have always known. What is going on?
This is so hard for me to deal with and I don't really know why. I want her back ... I miss the way she treated me, she was so caring and would do anything for me. Now I feel lonely and like she is coming out on top and I am left behind. I am very depressed and this is so unlike me. I have tried talking to her and she seems to understand that she is pulling away but she can't tell me why or when this sudden change took place. She knows she still loves me and wants to be physical with me but she is curious to see what else is out there.
I am telling you, I don't even recognize this person. I really want her to be the same best friend I have always known. It's strange, she has been so consistent for so long but now is changing the way she acts towards me, which makes me very unsure of how to act around her. It is so uncomfortable, and I can't shake this feeling of wanting to keep her the same. I miss my best friend so very much. What do I do? Will she come back to me?
Signed,
Amy
ANSWER
Dear Amy,
It sounds like this relationship was fraught with ambiguity from the beginning: You've been best friends, lovers, and friends with benefits. Your friend continued to love with you while you only wanted to be friends -- although you continued to have a sexual relationship.
Living together has certainly complicated your relationship even further. Could your friend possibly have felt pressured to live together? I ask because it was soon after this that she decided she wanted to experiment sexually with other people.
It may be useful to live apart so you both have the time and psychological space to figure out what it is you really want from each other. You can't keep another person the same as she was but you can give her the time she needs to figure out who she is and what she wants, and then make your own decisions accordingly.
I hope this helps.
Best, Irene
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