My teen daughter doesn't have a single close friend

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I read another post on your blog regarding a daughter who felt like an outcast. My own daughter was in tears last night because she does not have any close friends. She is the one to seek out the girls; they do not call her or ask her to hang out.

My daughter is beautiful and very intelligent. She is also very outspoken and I think that is what is costing her the friendships. She will call it like it is and holds her friends to high standards. She is not afraid to confront someone and tell them if she knows the person is lying or being too dramatic or whatever. I overheard her talking to one of her friends and she was talking about how "Jen" was giving another kid a hard time. Jen was dissing the kid and my daughter stepped in and said, "Jen, it appears to me that you are the only one who has a problem with him. Why don't you just let it go?" Jen is pretty much a diva and it took some guts to say something like that to her.

My daughter has told me about other times when she's confronted her friends when she feels they are not being true to themselves. I am afraid her friends might think she's a bitch because she's very direct. My daughter holds herself to some pretty high standards and expects others to do the same.

How do I help my daughter without having her compromise who she is and what she believes in?

Signed,
Mom of Lonely Daughter

ANSWER

Dear Mom of Lonely Daughter,

Being outspoken can have its benefits and drawbacks. Just because your daughter has strong opinions, which may in fact be correct, doesn't mean that she needs to express them in ways that come off as hurtful or off-putting.

When she cries about having no close friends, use it as a teachable moment. Try to listen to your daughter and give her some honest feedback. You can praise how pleased you are at her high standards but help her see that not everyone will always meet them. You can also suggest some practical ways she can soften her style.

If you don't feel comfortable doing this yourself (or vice versa), perhaps you could see if should like to have a few visits with a counselor or mental health professional. This is a great time to learn friendship lessons that can last a lifetime.

Hope this helps.

Warm regards,
Irene

Some recent posts on The Friendship Blog about teen friendships:

My daughter feels like an outcast

Talking to a teenage daughter about friendships

Painful teen friendship: what's a mom to do?

Have a friendship question or dilemma? Ask The Friendship Doctor for advice.

 

 

 

Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine

Comments

[IowaGirl]

01:07 PM on 01/06/2011

I'm unsure why my comment was censored, but I'll try to say it in a different way this time. I agree with Irene Levine: the daughter might be right but that doesn't give her a mandate to scold or upbraid her friends. No one likes to be criticized, and teens especially (they get enough from adults in their lives). It doesn't take "guts" to tell off a peer. The mother is sending the wrong message to her daughter if she truly believes this "truth-telling" is a gutsy act. The young woman needs to learn how to withhold her punishing sense of right and wrong. People make choices that are different from you, and your choice is to either ignore it or respect it. Her friends are probably tired of her holding forth, which comes off as a sense of superiority. Toning down her personal opinions, or keeping her opinions impersonal (make them about something other than her friends' beliefs and actions, e.g.) will go a long way toward making her a more agreeable person to buddy around with. Very few teens want to hang around with a know--it-all or someone with an inflated sense of self.

[morgorm]

01:30 PM on 01/14/2011

I think your comment is right on the money! Well said.