It's not even close to Mother's Day, yet since my last column appeared on "The Thin Line Between Marriage and Divorce" I have received several angst-ridden queries on the thin line between loving and loathing aging moms. Most of the laments are about widows, who daughters are finding increasingly needy and cranky.
I miss my mother every day. She died at the age of 86, in 2006. She was understandably not easy, this Polish-born Holocaust survivor whose immediate family was burned in Hitler's camps. We snarled and had stubborn stand-offs, some for weeks. But we always made up. Because this is what I always knew to be true:
You can't say "I'm sorry" at a funeral.
In fact, I came to believe that it's better to suck it up and say "I'm sorry" to an aging parent, even if you aren't sorry one bit. Because that could be a last conversation.
As the author of I Am My Mother's Daughter, a compilation of 200 interviews with older daughters reflecting on their older moms, I have learned successful strategies on how to navigate the sometimes stormy relationship between grown daughters and their mothers who are living longer than ever. As moms enter their 80s and 90s, and become more childlike and forgetful, it is more important than ever to embrace these women who clamor for care and attention.
This, of course, unless you grew up with a cold matriarch who was relentlessly abusive and cruel, and still is. There are clearly horrific incidents when a parent's behavior merits a total "divorce". Yet the stories I hear are rarely about real abuse. They refer to old grudges and constant grating and "selfish" behaviors -- the latter word is often used when discussing widowed moms.
The dozens of adult daughters who talked to me for my book, and who write about prolonged rifts with mothers, come from varied backgrounds and experiences. Some are six-figure attorneys and financiers; others are teachers and waitresses and stay-at-home moms. However different are their voices and paths, they nearly all relay how their relationships with their mothers, good and bad, dramatically affects how they work, play, love and mother their own broods.
As a central and essential force, this is one relationship you want to push through and get right, Here are some lessons I learned along the way, from my own irrepressible mother and from the wise daughters who have generously shared their roads from war to peace::
1. In your interactions with a mom think about how you want your kids to treat you when you have buried a spouse, your friends are dying and your mind is blurring. Your patience is an example to your own children on how to behave with you as you enter your own final lap, a passage that sabotages the body and emotions. This is the sunset of life when doting children and grand-children are all that you have.
2. One of the most wrenching tales I heard was of from 54-year-old daughter who was so mad at her dying mom she refused to rush to her bedside. The day her mom heaved her last breath the daughter rushed to the hospital, heaved her body on her mother's lifeless body and clung to her like a baby. You may not be able to forgive for nasty stuff that has happened. But work on letting go of antique blame and simmering rage and appreciate that aging mother, while you still have her within reach. Festering anger is a wedge that blocks your ability to love this woman who is flawed and imperfect just like you are. Then, when your mother does pass away and moves on to a heavenly place you will not be left behind, writhing in agony and remorse, like the woman above I described.
3 Understand her history and it may melt your heart. Mothers who are icy and unable to freely say I love you" often duplicate how they were mothered themselves, or not mothered. Do you know your mom's history? Don't wait to find out who this woman truly is and how she became that person. Dig deeply while she is healthy and coherent to discover her own residual pain from her youth. Being vulnerable and honest with each other, unearthing hidden parts of yourselves, allows adult daughters to fully know and comprehend their own stories - and re-write those stories as their raise their own families.
4. "I Am My Mother's Daughter" becomes more blindingly true as we age, as we find traits in ourselves that are hauntingly familiar and that the mirrors are everywhere. Yet, this discovery can actually be healing and fortifying. You will find that the mother you loathed at the age of 15 is a mother you can transform into a best friend when you turn 45, 50 and beyond. Learn from your mother now. Love her fully now as you grow gray together -- . although my own octogenarian mother never allowed herself to go gray! You only get one chance to get it right.
Write to Iris with your stories and questions at iriskrasnow.com. You will remain anonymous.
Earlier on Huff/Post50: