When I Don't Love Myself, My Addictions Are Important

When we think of the word addiction, we usually think of drugs or alcoholism. Many of us may think that we are not addicted to anything, yet modern society in general is full of addictive behaviors. Anything we use to distract ourselves is a form of addiction. In fact, all addictions stem from the need to get away from what we are feeling, to numb the pain, the emptiness, the disillusionment. Maybe we use the television or the internet to get away from ourselves. Maybe we open the fridge or light a cigarette whenever we feel anxious. The form the addiction takes will vary, as may the level of obsession, but that inner feeling of discontent is the root of all addictive behavior.

The reason we have such difficulty being with ourselves is that we have lost sight of our true essence; what I call love-consciousness. Love-consciousness is the experience of absolute freedom and joy that lies within all of us, but that due to all the things we have been through in our lives, has become hidden from view. It lies beneath layers of self doubt, resentment and frustration, accumulated through the disappointments and traumas of a lifetime. It hasn't gone anywhere; we have simply become distracted, so accustomed to looking outside of ourselves for completion that we have forgotten where to find it.

The result of this disconnection from self is that as adults, we do not love ourselves. Most of us don't even know what that means. "You need to love yourself," has become a catch phrase, a clever comment to throw around at dinner parties, but beyond a vague idea of self-confidence, it remains an abstract concept. Many of the most confident looking people in the world do not love themselves at all. I know; I was one of them. To the world around me, I always appeared outgoing, entertaining and charming, but these qualities had become the mask that hid my insecurities from view.

Self love starts with self acceptance. In order to love yourself, you must embrace the parts of yourself that you reject. Resentment, jealousy, anger, shame; it is by loving these parts of yourself that you will become free of them. True strength will come when you discover the power of vulnerability.

Vulnerability is something most of us avoid at all costs. It is the worst place we would want to put ourselves in, and certainly not something we would actively seek! Yet there is great power to be found in vulnerability; the power of truth. When you are vulnerable, you are being real. You are showing yourself exactly as you are.

The magic of vulnerability must be experienced; It cannot be fully understood until you try it for yourself. When you dare to be vulnerable, you step outside your comfort zone, into the unknown. You let go of control, you confront the fear of rejection, and you put your own truth above the need to please others. Vulnerability is the ultimate act of self love, it is the key to breaking codependency and releasing the flimsy crutch of outside approval. Try it. Maybe you will discover the unique beauty that lies in the parts of yourself you have learned to avoid.

Where do you avoid being real in your personal relationships? Often, it is those we are closest to that we have the most difficulty being honest with. Observe the places where you hide, where you steer clear of moments of intimacy and emotion. Try doing the opposite of what you would normally do: try challenging the limits you have put upon yourself. You will begin to discover new facets of life, places of magic and discovery.

Love of self is the only way to permanently heal an addiction. Just as non smokers quickly gain weight, cutting away the leaves of a habit is not the solution; new foliage will grow back soon enough. If you want to be free of addiction, heal the root. Go inwards and fill the emptiness with love. Then your addictions will fall away by themselves, for there will be no hole left for them to fill.

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Comments

[Steady Mountain]

Hello Isha, oh, yes, it's all about being vulnerable, so I can express I'm addicted to approval. The "I shoulds" are repeatedly bouncing in my head and creating an unsatisfactory reality .
You recomend me to do the opposite of what I usually do?
That's a dangerous challenge!
Love,
Steady Mountain

[Isha - Huffpost Blogger]

Of course steady mountain, the addiction to approval is one of the most common. I would definately recommend you speak your truth, despite fearing that by doing so you will lose approval. I think you'll find that quite the opposite happens - when you show yourself exactly as you are, you create more intimate and honest relationships, and generate trust.

Try it! You'll see!

[Steady Mountain]

And a bright smile appears in my face!
I will give it a try...
Thanks!
Hugs and kisses,
Steady Mountain

[Tammy Bartlett]

Thank-you Isha yes that helps! I do feel in those situations I "should" be loving and compassionate, although that is not at all what I am feeling. I was just going to say it was my own approval I was looking for, (and it is in part) but no you are right it is the approval of others I am looking for, or more to the point avoidance of their disapproval. As Marianne Williamson says "sometimes love says no". But to get there I need to love myself. Brilliant!
T

[Tammy Bartlett]

Beautifully written, and it makes perfect sense. But how do you learn to be vulnerable, when life has taught you to protect yourself? I know enough to ask myself what I am afraid of when I am feeling bad in some way but I struggle continually with the balance between expressing love and compassion, and letting someone walk all over me.

[Isha - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you Tammy for your words of appreciation. The only way to be vulnerable after a lifetime of learning not to, is to move beyond the intellect. It's true, we have all learnt to protect ourselves, but these protections exist within the mind, forming what I call the "matrix of the intellect" - a web of ideas and opinions that as adults we have come to identify with so strongly that we believe they are who we are. By moving beyond the mind and beginning to live life from the experience of love-consciousness, we naturally begin to drop the fear based protections we have adopted, and return to a more innocent and spontaneous way of life. The Isha System helps a lot with this!

Your comment about the difficulty finding balance between being loving and being walked over is a place where you are not loving yourself. Often we feel we "should" be a certain way - loving, compassionate, kind - and we try to be these 'ideals' even when we are not feeling them. But this is not love of self. It is essentially a place where we are relying on the approval of others. When you love yourself unconditionally, you will be real in every moment. You will trust yourself in every moment, and trust when you feel inspired to be loving and when you feel you have to stand up and stop being passive.

I hope this helps! I look forward to hearing more from you here.