By the time you've reached adulthood, you've hopefully learned the fine art of tactful speech. You know... knowing how to differentiate appropriate comments from words that might earn you the stink eye. Then, you have a baby, and suddenly, conversation etiquette no longer applies. But beware! There's a double standard.
Here are 10 things you can say to your baby... but not your spouse.
1. "I think it's time to cut you off from the boob."
If you're like most moms, you'll eventually reach the point where you just can't stand the thought of whipping out your boobs any more... for your baby. Your baby will get over it, but your husband? Not so much. Wean the baby, not the husband.
2. "What a cute double chin."
These are words no woman ever wants or needs to hear. Jowls are adorable on a baby... and maybe a bull dog. But if your wife asks about her double chin, your best answer is, "What double chin? Your neck is so long and graceful!"
3. "That was a great poop you just did!"
Non-parents won't understand this, but pooping is a legitimate cause for celebration when you become a parent. That said, baby poops are great, but nobody wants to hear about adult poops. Keep those nasties to yourself.
4. "That little bald spot of yours is just the cutest!"
Unless your baby spends all of her time on her belly, she will eventually develop a bald spot on her head from friction. Super cute on a baby, but it's doubtful your husband will appreciate the reference to his inevitable aging. Instead of commenting on his hair loss, maybe compliment him on how "wise" and "mature" his appearance has gotten.
5. "Please, don't ever grow up..."
...Said no woman ever to her spouse. Immature and childish is cute on a baby, but not so much on a man.
6. "You gained three pounds... way to go!"
Every parent wants their baby to put on a healthy amount of weight, but you'll never hear a woman bragging that she's in the 95th percentile. Do not praise your wife for packing on the pounds! In fact, make no mention of it. Ever.
7. "All you care about is my boobies."
OK, maybe this is true for both your baby and your husband. But while it's totally normal in your infant, you might need to sit down and have a long conversation with your man.
8. "Just hold still so I can pick that booger out of your nose."
Your baby needs help with this. Your spouse does not. Sure, every couple has different levels of intimacy, but woman, you are not his momma!
9. "Look how many dimples you have on your tushy!"
Compliment the dimples in her cheeks. Comment on how cute her tush looks in those yoga pants. But never combine the two in the same sentence!
10. "Hey there, Thunder Thighs! You have rolls for days!"
Two words: THUNDER THIGHS. If I even need to explain why you should never say this to your wife, we have bigger problems than a confused concept of conversational etiquette.
So, before you're about to comment on squishy thighs or make a boobie reference, ask yourself... will this earn me a night of sleeping on the couch? Or just some googley-eyed grins from pinchable little cheeks? Because the welfare of your marriage might depend on it (or at the very least, a good night's sleep).