My inability to choose a presidential candidate is mystifying to me.
At a house party several years ago, I engaged a lovely young lady in the finer points of political discourse. I told her how I felt. She told me how she felt. I told her she was wrong. And then she started to cry. It became clear to me that night that I know where I stand on most issues and, though I am open to new ideas, I remain steadfast in this respect.
This is the first year where I will make a real choice. In 1996, the first election year I could vote, I of course helped re-elect Bubba. In 2000 (a year when I actually uttered the words, "How bad can it be?" after the Supreme Court awarded Bush the presidency), it was really no choice when I voted for newly crowned Nobel Peace Prize winner Al Gore. In '04, it was John "Anybody-But-Bush" Kerry. Which brings us to 2008.
Barack? Hillary? Colbert? I have no idea. For some reason, I think I like Bill Richardson but I really have no idea why. This is idiotic, since selecting a candidate because you like his haircut or you think he looks like a nice person is an absurd exercise in mindlessness.
So I turned yesterday to the only thing that could help me decide: an Internet quiz that took less than 5 minutes.
The first quiz I took is by something called the Internet Straw Poll. I answered 14 questions regarding the death penalty, the war on drugs, and Social Security. After carefully calculating my answers, it then told me I favored this guy:
Tom Fucking Tancredo! A xenophobic fuckwad who would have personally chased my family back to Argentina back in 1979 despite our green cards.
I found this an odd result considering I answered a resounding (I clicked hard on my mouse) YES to the question, "Do you think illegal immigrants should be able to earn citizenship?"
I decided that the Internet Straw Poll was a biased mechanism bent on proselytizing its right-wingers. So I looked for another quiz.
I took this "Candidate Calculator" test on a site called VaJoe, which sounds especially funny when you sat it out loud. This one asked me 23 questions that varied in topics and allowed you to "weigh" each answer.
I answered with more thought this time, taking care to consider my stances on topics like "U.S. sanctions against Iran" and "ANWR drilling" (drilling is bad, right?).
My top match?
Dennis Fucking Kucinich.
So there are my two choices for next year, people. A guy who would deport you for being too dark-skinned or a guy who has no shot in hell at the nomination, let alone securing an invite to the Democratic Convention.
I wonder if I can still vote for Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner.