I have practiced divorce law for 48 years. I've worked with and against just about every type of divorcing spouse imaginable: unreasonable, practical, obstinate, angry, vengeful, combative, miserly, and emotionally challenged, to name but a few.
You cannot swim in the waters that I have for almost five decades and be naïve when it comes to what people are capable of during divorce.
With this is mind, and with full knowledge of the extent to which I am sticking my neck out, I predict that divorce is one generation away from becoming much less contentious and considerably more amicable than it is now. I say this because I really don't see how it can do anything else.
Here's my thinking.
The public is displeased with the divorce legal system, and sees it as too complicated, lengthy, and costly. The argument is that the system should satisfy society's needs, not frustrate them. Heck, many soon-to-be exes are now spending more on their divorce than they did on their wedding. We need to change how we divorce, but the problem lies in figuring out what to change it to.
Lawyers could start charging less, but this isn't going to happen. Lawyers' rents, employee salaries, and other operating costs are not likely to decrease, so neither will their legal fees.
People could stop getting divorced, but this is not going to happen. Human nature is human nature and there will always be two sides to every story.
More people could start doing their own divorces. Admittedly, pro se (or pro per) divorce is becoming more common, but acting as your own lawyer is not for everyone. Only a small portion of the populace is actually capable of adequately representing themselves. The others may be making a grave mistake.
We could mellow-out our divorce court procedures and treat marital dissolution in a more family-friendly manner. However, this cannot happen because the Constitution prevents us from taking someone's property without due process of law. This necessitates adherence to the rules of evidence, and to the strict standards that go hand in hand with formal court procedures.
I submit the answer lies in our finding a way to stay out of the divorce legal system altogether. We have to learn how to settle our cases before it becomes necessary to take them to court.
This is not as impossible as it sounds, but it does require our doing the last thing on earth that we want to do: treat our soon-to-be ex and their settlement position with respect and understanding. This does not mean being weak; it means being smart. Listening to their side of the story is the cheapest concession we can make.
This is the civilized approach to divorce. It calls for us to behave at our best, at a time in our lives when we are inclined to act at our worst. Up to now, we have felt entitled to act at our worst, and the result has been disastrous.
The best way to disarm our spouse is by respecting their stand. This changes everything. Showing concern and respect for what he or she is saying reduces their anger and lack of trust. It relaxes their defenses and puts us in position to persuade them to settle out of court.
I predict that the future of divorce lies in this anti-war divorce mindset. One generation from now we will be well on our way toward this new cooperative and non-confrontational way of thinking.
Why will this occur, and why am I so certain of it? The reason lies in the answers to the following four questions:
Divorce will always be able to bring out the dark side in all of us. Human nature is not going to change, but our willingness to subsidize its folly will.
As much as we dislike being nice to our soon-to-be ex, we dislike wasting our money more. This is the basis of the civilized approach.
Admittedly, this will not work for everyone, as there will always be people that must fight. However, most of us can get pretty doggone cooperative once we fully understand what it costs to act otherwise.
J. Richard Kulerski is a partner in the Chicago area, Oak Brook, IL divorce law firm of Kulerski and Cornelison. Richard is the author of The Secret to a Friendly Divorce: Your Personal Guide to a Cooperative, Out-of-Court Settlement. You may find him at www.civilizeddivorce.com and at his firm's blog, www.dupagedivorcelawyerblog.com.
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I did consult with a lawyer beforehand to see what I was obligated to give. That was worth the $350 to learn what I could expect in my state.
Unfortunately, all too often, people resort to behaving like petulant teenagers. Don't get me wrong: My ex and I had our angry moments. But we were both grown up enough to realize that once upon a time, we were friends before we started dating and later married, and we had to respect our own judgment in people. the storms we weathered together, and the ways we helped each other over the years. No good guy, no bad guy. Like the song, "It's only you and me and we just disagree." I wish more people could feel that way for their exes. It's not always possible, I know. But when it is, it helps you heal, and it certainly avoids a lot of the bitterness divorced people often bring to the dating scene when they get back out there.
A system wherein there would be "contract marriage," where people would have an out after X number of years, and an option to renew, but where there would be a pre-agreed financial settlement and child custody settlement mandated by law prior to the issuance of a marriage license would both cut down on hasty marriages, and give an intelligent system for ending those that did not last. It would also take away the threat of financial ruin and one spouse's relationship with the children being held hostage to the corrupt and inequitable court system. Change marriage and divorce will also change.
That worked because she wanted out (determined she was lesbian) and I was too stunned and scared and in denial to get angry and vengeful.
We spent a lot of money on lawyers - but not as much as a contentious divorce would have.
Betrayal - small and large - plays too much of a part of divorce to avoid an expensive solution.
Of course, after a scorched-earth divorce, I have no desire to try marriage again.
However, in terms of personality disorders and treacherous people, you simply cannot tell how dangerous they are the first couple of years. They devolve into horrible people very slowly. Obviously, if someone behaved badly at the beginning of a relationship, no one would marry them.
There probably are signs of personality disorder exposed in the relationship prior to marriage. You do well to identify them and recognize them for what they are if you want to maximize your happiness/success in life.
A divorce lawyer is sometimes used by a divorcing spouse with a greedy/bad intent -- to separate the other divorcing spouse from the children or to get the most money possible out of the marital estate -- notwithstanding fairness.
A divorce lawyer is able to take advantage of that type of situation -- continuing litigation even though the reasonable hope of success is near zero.