As I watched FOX News this morning to learn how Osama bin Laden's demise was in fact due to tax cuts for the wealthy, I got a call from a high level source I have within the U.S. government. Apparently included among the "treasure trove" of documents and intelligence information discovered during last week's daring raid was Osama bin Laden's personal diary. Here now, for the first time, is an exclusive look at some of the entries from the world's most wanted terrorist.
3/25/2006: Saw a listing for a beautiful compound in Pakistan. Has all the amenities I'm looking for. From the ad: "6 bedroom, 3 bath, 18 foot outer wall, barbed wire, roof access, good schools, Jew-free neighborhood, and an inner courtyard big enough to land a Comanche helicopter. Call Sharon for price. Open house on Friday." Strange detail about the courtyard, but otherwise... I'll take it!
5/01/2006: Just moved in to the compound. Nice space, but the town... yikes! Abbottabad? More like... AbbottaBAD place to live! Ha ha ha. Oh, Osama, you've still got it. Must remember to tell that to my wife at dinner tonight. Damn, which one did I bring? The young one, of course, but what is her name, for Allah's sake?
5/02/2006: The movers scratched the legs on my dining room table!!! Must remember to start a jihad on Two Guys and a Camel Moving Co.
5/03/2006: Called Two Guys. Spoke to Mohammad who said there was nothing he could do. He put me on the phone with his supervisor, Mohammad, and that guy was a real jerk. I'm tempted to just tell them my real identity so at least I can get a partial refund or a store credit or something.
5/04/2006: I just re-read my AbottaBAD joke. Not as funny as it was at 3:00am when I wrote it.
5/05/2006: Still not OK with this whole dining room table fiasco. I've had one of my associates say in an Islamic chat room that there's an al Qaeda weapons depot at Two Guys headquarters. Let the Americans deal with this.
3/14/2007: Had a delicious goat cheese omelet this morning. And by that I mean goat and cheese.
7/06/2007: Can never remember my courier's name and it's getting to be embarrassing. He's been with me for so long now that it would be weird to ask. You know how that goes, Diary. Need a cool nickname for him to help me remember. Something that will be easy to remember and will really stand out. I think that's a great idea...
7/21/2007: Last Harry Potter book comes out today! Had T-Bone (awesome new nickname, OBL!) run out to AbbottaBAD Barnes and Noble to pick it up. They're sold out. Why didn't I pre-order??
7/22/2007: I just know someone's gonna spoil the ending. Gotta get my hands on it. Maybe I'll call my homies in the Pakistani intelligence community and have them drop off a copy. Love those guys.
7/23/2007: Stayed up all night and finished the book. Harry defeated Voldemort! That sucks.
11/09/2007: Polished my favorite AK-47 today. A lot of fun memories with this thing. I still remember the day Ronald Reagan gave it to me. Good times.
2/14/2008: Valentine's Day. What do you get for the wives that are allowed nothing? Ugh.
8/20/2008: Updated my last will and testament. Made sure to state that my kids are not to follow me in holy war. Because if there's one thing that's true of rich people the world over -- we start wars but don't let our kids fight in them. Someday a poor person's gonna catch on to this...
1/16/2009: Watched a bootleg of the American film, Doubt. Look, Hollywood is littered with Jews and I hope the entire place burns in the fires of hell. To me it is the belly of The Great Satan and a town that promotes immorality and godlessness. That said, Meryl Streep is always so good!
1/20/2009: Obama sworn in as president today. I'll miss Bush -- he was such a great recruiter for us. He makes John Calipari look like a toothless hobo begging for change outside a bodega.
1/23/2009: Had T-Bone run out to return my Netflix movie today. Seabiscuit? Damn, how long have I had that and not watched it? What a waste of ten bucks a month.
1/26/2009: Just finished a giant pot luck with the entire parliament of Pakistan. Everyone had fun, I think. We finished the evening with a game of "Where's Osama?" where I hide in plain sight and no one can tell where I am. The Prime Minister always does so well at this. Oh how we laugh!
2/10/2009: I have T-Bone going out every day to either return my Netflix or check to see if the new disc has arrived. I'm on a bit of a Streep bender. She was wonderful in the great American comedy film Sophie's Choice, and she even made Mamma Mia! palatable. She is truly our greatest living actor. There aren't enough awards in the world for her to win.
4/20/2009: Everyone's talking about T-Bone -- I think he's really making a name for himself around here. Good for him. I'm glad people know who he is. I'm gonna write him a killer letter of recommendation.
12/25/2009: The "Underwear Bomber?" Really? We used to be so awesome. Now we're a Three Stooges movie. :(
8/14/2010: Sent T-Bone out to get some herbal Viagra. I just can't keep an erection anymore. You see, this is why a man has so many wives: It gets so boring raping the same one every night.
8/19/2010: Julie and Julia. Wow. I'm 20 minutes in and have already stopped watching. Someone please put a bullet in my head. It's OK, Meryl -- we're all allowed a mulligan now and then.
10/14/10: T-Bone said he thinks he's being followed and that he is pretty sure he saw some Americans with binoculars looking at the compound. No way they know where I am -- I'm too smart and too careful. If there are Americans with binoculars, they're probably just some jealous tourists checking out my fly pad! Holla!
10/29/10: Had a nice visit from Rashard Mendenhall today. Nice guy, like his politics, but damn, he's as dumb as a bag of rocks.
4/25/11: Dancing with the Stars was awesome tonight! Just let me live long enough to see the finale. I just NEED to know who wins.
5/01/11: After years of listening to T-Bone whine about the Al Qaeda benefits package, I finally enrolled him in the program. His life insurance policy will kick in on Monday morning. He deserves it.
5/02/11: Wanted to write before bed. Funny stuff going on around here tonight. Someone just said that a helicopter landed inside the compound. Yeah, a helicopter that makes no sound! Uh, duh. Man, these people are as dumb as the Underwear Bomber. Hold on, a bunch of people are running towards my room. Easy does it, amigos -- sounds like a whole squadron of Navy SEALS or something. Oh fu --
And that's it. Just some of the newly discovered Osama bin Laden diary entries. Not exactly a bonanza of information for the intelligence community, but interesting nonetheless.