Cracked.com: 'You Might Be A Zombie,' And 7 Other Pieces Of Bad News (PHOTOS)

You've been the victim of a conspiracy to make the world seem more boring than it actually is. The historians and scientists that wrote your text books removed all the graphic violence, kinky sex and terrifying monsters and ever since I launched Cracked.com back in 2006, our editorial team and writers have been working to put it back. Our new book, "You Might Be a Zombie, And Other Bad News" is the culmination of that mission. The bad news is that the real world is way more terrifying than the version of reality you learned about in school. The good news is that the truth is never, ever boring.

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Zombies Are Scientifically Possible

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Half of the people reading this are infected with a brain parasite called Toxoplasmosis gondii (T. gondii). Before we explain what it does to you, let's talk about rats. Every shampoo, deodorant and medication you've ever used was tested on rats. Their brains are similar to ours, and they're ugly, so nobody besides PETA really makes much of a fuss. Rats that have been infected with T. gondii are identical to healthy rats, except for one crucial difference: They find the smell of cat urine fascinating. Normal rats are terrified of cat urine, presumably for the same reason you're not sexually attracted to sharks -- evolution tends not to reward behaviors that result in extravagant dismemberment. This led scientists to the disquieting conclusion that the brain parasite was thinking for the rat. T. gondii likes to breed in cat intestines, and had reprogrammed the rat to get itself eaten. And this is where things get bad. T. gondii has been shown to change the personality of its human hosts, who exhibit a small, but statistically significant tendency to be more self-reproaching and insecure. It's not clear how those personality quirks work to the brain parasite's advantage. But then, the rats probably didn't know what T. gondii's endgame was until their brains were being eaten by a cat, according to plan. So if you're feeling insecure, you might be in the 50 percent that has T. gondii. Flip a coin.

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Half of the people reading this are infected with a brain parasite called Toxoplasmosis gondii (T. gondii). Before we explain what it does to you, let's talk about rats. Every shampoo, deodorant and medication you've ever used was tested on rats. Their brains are similar to ours, and they're ugly, so nobody besides PETA really makes much of a fuss. Rats that have been infected with T. gondii are identical to healthy rats, except for one crucial difference: They find the smell of cat urine fascinating. Normal rats are terrified of cat urine, presumably for the same reason you're not sexually attracted to sharks -- evolution tends not to reward behaviors that result in extravagant dismemberment.

This led scientists to the disquieting conclusion that the brain parasite was thinking for the rat. T. gondii likes to breed in cat intestines, and had reprogrammed the rat to get itself eaten. And this is where things get bad. T. gondii has been shown to change the personality of its human hosts, who exhibit a small, but statistically significant tendency to be more self-reproaching and insecure. It's not clear how those personality quirks work to the brain parasite's advantage. But then, the rats probably didn't know what T. gondii's endgame was until their brains were being eaten by a cat, according to plan.

So if you're feeling insecure, you might be in the 50 percent that has T. gondii. Flip a coin.

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Comments

[westreal]

11:04 AM on 02/11/2011

I've heard about the cat parasite controlling the owners. Fact. And the Fairy Tales one is pretty good...didn't know that.

[jaredbrain]

07:40 AM on 02/11/2011

There's a hilarious piece of fiction about jesus's first 30 years by Chris Moore called Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff , about Jesus and his childhood friend Biff. It is -hilarious-.

[pkafin]

02:31 AM on 02/12/2011

That's an excellent book.

[OrchidBlack]

06:40 AM on 02/11/2011

This reminds me of that “Masters of Horror” episode “The Washingtonians,” our forefathers were apparently cannibals. Sweet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwDHGFADidQ

[couer]

10:02 PM on 02/10/2011

Cracked.com is one of, if not the funniest site out there!. It has such tension-relieving, thought provoking articles that make me slap my head and wish "I had thought of that!". I truly enjoy the site and hope one day I can win the craptions contest. :) Thanks, Mr. O'Brien for the laughs!

[KJLSanDiego]

08:53 PM on 02/10/2011

Please put on the B&N "Nook" website for purchase / download!

[L-dizzle]

08:42 PM on 02/10/2011

The statistic about T. gondii may be applicable as a worldwide statistic, but I'm sure that this is WAY high in terms of just in the U.S. You can get it by eating raw meat or from accidentally consuming cysts from your infected cat's feces. This is why pregnant women should try to avoid changing the litter box, just in case. I'm sure that the rate of infected individuals is not anywhere near 50% in the U.S.

[LMPE]

05:41 PM on 02/10/2011

There ought to be a movie about Jesus's early years. It would be like "Gandhi II" in "UHF".

[FantasticFourFan]

04:53 PM on 02/10/2011

The original Snow White also had her banging the Seven dwarfs. And the less said about the Little Mermaid the better!

[LMPE]

05:38 PM on 02/10/2011

Don't forget that Cinderella's sisters mutilated their own feet to fit them into the slipper.

[OkieIntellectual]

04:17 PM on 02/10/2011

"Suddenly, horror movies are scarier, sports movies are more inspiring and Battlefield Earth is a work of unspeakable hilarity."

Am I the only person on the planet who thought "Battlefield Earth" wasn't nearly as bad as everyone makes out out to be? Sure, it was no "Citizen Kane", but it wasn't another "Plan 9 From Outer Space" either. As a matter of fact, I think I'm gonna go watch it on netflix streaming right now.

[Libleet]

09:55 AM on 02/11/2011

I think most people take issue with it as Scientology propoganda.

[Cassandra45]

04:14 PM on 02/10/2011

Hilarious! Finally, wit and humor!

[MarcEdward]

03:30 PM on 02/10/2011

I love stuff like this.

[sacbeme]

01:38 PM on 02/10/2011

Can someone explain the bears being attracted to people "getting it on" thing.

I've once heard something of this nature at total random, and I think it relates to canines liking the smell of people getting it on. Has anyone else ever noticed this?

[GraphicMatt]

01:29 PM on 02/10/2011

Years ago me and my friends held a big fourth of July party on the beach. We always set up a trampoline (beach = girls in bikinis, add trampoline to equation = big smiles.) The rule was that if you injured yourself we would be dropping you off about a mile up the road at the public beach before calling 911.

[spytheweb]

01:18 PM on 02/10/2011

Andrew Jackson is a murder because, he killed the bank!

[Aelfgifu]

06:40 PM on 02/13/2011

And the Cherokees.

[Dewts]

01:17 PM on 02/10/2011

don't tell me what i'm not sexually attracted to!

[Decipherer]

01:45 PM on 02/10/2011

So, cutting through the double negative, you are saying we should tell you what you ought to be sexually attracted to?

Sounds a tad presumptuous, you know?

[Dewts]

04:23 PM on 02/10/2011

no, that logic is the predominant one on this site though. if you do not believe something then you must believe in its inverse. or if i criticize a democrat i must be a republican. bad logic though.