Do you really really really hate your ex? I mean deep hatred. If so, I have some advice. Keep hating. It's good for your soul.
What I mean by that is, keep giving your ex dirty looks at your kids' sporting events so that your kids can see because it's really really great for their emotional health and wellbeing. They really enjoy knowing that one of their parents has deep seeded hatred for the other.
Keep ignoring self-awareness and accept the fact that you weren't wrong about anything. You were perfect. You are the victim. You are always the victim. He or she committed unforgivable crimes and because of that they are the devil. There is no good whatsoever in that person, even though he or she is the mother (or father) of your children.
Keep communicating with your ex through your kids and refusing to speak or co-parent. It is doing wonders for your kids' self-esteem and teaching them about selflessness. You're doing a really good job showing them how to be angry and bitter and how to stay in the past. You are showing them that forgiveness doesn't make sense, that staying pissed off forever is more productive and the right thing to do. Hating is great if you want to ruin your kids' chances of growing up as loving, kind, gentle, happy people.
Hating also helps your professional life a lot. Keep focusing on how much your ex held you back and how he or she took the best years of your life and then wronged you, and how now you are too old to be successful. It really helps change things and could ultimately make a lot of good things happen for you in the workplace.
Another thing. Men (or women) that you date or even get into a serious relationship with or marry really love bitter, angry divorcees. He or she really finds your hatred attractive. So, hating your ex should really help your love life.
Lastly and most importantly, keep hating because it doesn't affect your health and wellbeing. It doesn't cause stress and anxiety and it doesn't make you tired. Come on, keep hating. You know you've got more in you. Hating calms you and makes you happier. And hating is really, really good karma. Wish bad things for your ex and I'm sure they will happen, and then good things will happen for you.
Get my point here? I was actually cringing the entire time I was writing this, but my real advice is, ask yourself if this is you, and/or send this to any divorced man or woman who you think needs some tough love and a good kick in the ass.
Hating your ex is toxic. It is toxic to your kids, to your professional life, to your romantic relationships and mostly to yourself. Hating long enough will kill you. It's a really, really bad disease. The cure? Get some self-awareness fast. Don't be one of those people who can't look in the mirror and see this truth, who can't admit any fault, and who rewrites history.
I'm not saying you have to be best friends with your ex. I also know it isn't easy to be around someone who deeply hurt you. It is brutal. It means biting your tongue, holding back what you really want to say, focusing on now instead of what happened when you were married, and for lack of better words, "sucking it up." But this we do for our children. We put them first. It takes a huge amount of grace and maturity to make your relationship with your ex about your kids and not about the two of you.
It takes immense courage to accept all of what really happened and not just what you want to remember. It takes wisdom and gratitude to appreciate what you have now and focus on that versus how you were wronged.
So, if you hate your ex with a passion, you have two choices. You can choose hate or you can choose your kids. It's impossible to choose both. What's it gonna be?
Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.