Gay Marriage Is After My Rights

I don't know if you've seen it yet, but if you're like me and two thirds of America, you need to see the new video from The National Organization for Marriage. It captures so perfectly the rights that are being impinged upon by gay marriage: the right to stop gay people from getting married. But what the video shows even better is something I've been aware of for some time. Gay marriage isn't about gay people: it's about me.

See, unlike the rest of the two thirds of America who don't believe in gay marriage, I'm attractive. I'm educated, funny, well spoken, and generally a pleasure to be around. I'm exactly what the gays want, and with my background in playwrighting and my past in theater, they already know that the homosexuals have a foot in my door.

Gay marriage is about turning me gay. After all, what else outside of my fear of not being able to commit myself to another person before the eyes of the government was stopping me from gaining a love of dick? I can already feel it starting. Since the decision in Iowa, I've noticed words creeping into my lexicon like Chiraz and Emory Board. I've begun to realize that D&G is a fashion label and that Monet is not. I'm even showering more. Gay marriage is trying to take vaginas out of my life forever.

I don't know what to do. A storm is gathering, and I know what's going to happen next. It'll start Raining Men. Every spe-ci-men.

Comments

[HesDanTheMan]

12:42 PM on 04/10/2009

How cute is Jacob Dickerman?­??!!!!!

[Ziploc]

12:11 PM on 04/10/2009

LOL. Brilliant!­!!

[CJ1]

04:36 PM on 04/09/2009

NOM's anti-gay rally in R.I. drew a whopping THREE people! LOL! And the rage of their "throng" was caught on camera...T­alk about looking stoopid.

[Maria Thomas]

04:53 PM on 04/09/2009

do you have a link? i love to laugh!

[rcdcr]

02:42 PM on 04/09/2009

Thanks a BUNCH, Jacob Dickerman, for pulling out every tired, old, gay sterotype for the purpose of....

For the purpose of WHAT, exactly?

Perhaps you spent too much time in the theatre to realize that a lot of us are every bit as 'manly' as you are.

A lot of us play sports, could care less about designer duds, and even have 'manly' dogs and HUGE trucks.

But, thanks, Jacob Dickerman, for pulling out the stupid old stereotype­s for the purpose of...

For the purpose of WHAT, exactly.

It's raining men? Really, dude? REALLY????­??????????­??

Thanks for nothing.

[kevingiampa]

04:18 PM on 04/09/2009

On behalf of Jacob Dickerson, you're welcome. And the Huffington Post agrees.

(These comments do not necessaril­y reflect the views of Jacob Dickerson or the Huffington Post.)

[mishi]

04:23 PM on 04/09/2009

Good Lord, Butch, lighten up. It's a joke - get that, a J-O-K-E - putting down stereotype­s. Obviously, not every gay guy is into D&G, just like not every man has a sense of irony and wit.

We who are masculinit­y-impaired do, though, kneel before your HUGE, compensato­ry truck.

[taddles]

04:50 PM on 04/09/2009

It has a lift kit in it, it's VERY huge and VERY lifted...b­ig truck...ve­ry big, and he has a "manly" dog. Does that mean his dog walks on two legs and wears jeans and a Gold's gym muscle shirts and hits on chicks? You supose the dog drives the truck?

[midwestgayguy]

05:15 PM on 04/09/2009

gay guy here... hence the handle.

What's D&G ???

[mishi]

01:45 PM on 04/09/2009

Yes, it's mighty wind that's a breakin'..­..

[cgallaway]

12:44 PM on 04/09/2009

So, what part of a homosexual marriage is turning you gay? More to the point, allowing homosexual­s to marry each other does not mean that all marriages have to be homosexual­. I guess I don't follow the line between civil rights and forcing straight people to turn. I am a heterosexu­al male, married to a woman. If two men want to get married to each other....I am not involved in their relationsh­ip. I am involved only in my marriage, not theirs. Just as I am not involved in my brother's marriage or my parent's marriage, or any other heterosexu­al marriages.

[mishi]

01:44 PM on 04/09/2009

Honey, one word from a big ol' homo: IR-O-NY

[Polichick66]

03:42 PM on 04/09/2009

You do realize that your'e reading the "COMEDY" page?

[LoreLeo]

11:08 AM on 04/09/2009

Woe is me! I shall be forced to marry a woman now! Oh well, at least I won't have to worry about getting pregnant, which should cut down on all the abortions I've been forced to have since that's legal too.

[Gidster]

08:55 AM on 04/09/2009

lol...

The points given in that ad are salacious and for the most part false!
I saw one of the NOM reps on Hardball, in the same sentence she demanded state sponsored discrimina­tion against a segment of Americans, then said she is not a bigot.....­...!

[M1]

04:21 PM on 04/09/2009

I liked it when she called the HRC president a liar and then turned around and told him it was not nice to call people liars when he challenged her. Hypocrite could not even stop herself in a 5 minute tape.

[Daniel Sloan]

08:49 AM on 04/09/2009

You should have posted the NOM's audition tape:

http://www­.youtube.c­om/watch?v­=8ZaGks5Lk­kI

The people in the ads aren't even real. The whole thing is a sham.

[CapableOne]

03:15 AM on 04/10/2009

Oops, NOM has pulled that one already...

[HesDanTheMan]

12:45 PM on 04/10/2009

It's been pulled. Must have been embarrassi­ng for them. Heck their spokespers­on is embarrassi­ng enough. He lisps more than Carson from Queer Eye!

I mean how Gay is the spokespers­on for their ad?

[cxarli]

02:07 PM on 04/10/2009

Another sign of just how bad the economy is right now: that gay actors are so desparate they would take this sort of gig.