Note: Do not read on unless you've read Season 3, Episode 8 of ABC Family's "Pretty Little Liars," entitled "Stolen Kisses."
It's morning and the Little Liars, excluding Aria, are basically right where we left them: looking at Maya's website, MAS Sugar.
Hanna thinks Mona was trying to help them by directing them to Maya's site, but Spencer disagrees -- nevertheless, they both know they have to get inside the webpage to figure it out.
Em's going to hang out with Nate at Maya's favorite spot: the old boat house in Rosewood. She promises not to tell Nate about Maya's site and the other Liars ask if it's okay for them to try to break into the webpage.
But a determined Emily decides to try it herself to no avail. "Guess I don't know her as well as I thought I did," she says defeated after giving it a couple tries.
There's a knock on Aria's bedroom door -- It's Byron, who is unfortunately back. He reminds us that Mike still exists and that he has a game so he asks Aria to start on the salad for dinner. Before they discuss Ranch or French dressing options, Byron reveals that Meredith got a job at Rosewood High. F-u-n.
Over at the old boat house with Nate, Emily is wearing a hat that is too small for her head (But worry not: my mom says "she's so pretty so it's OK"). Nate reveals that Jenna stood him up and they reminisce about Maya some more because that's really the only thing they have to talk about, especially now that things with Jenna fizzled. Nate says he didn't understand how anyone could kill somebody until he saw Garrett in the hospital and that's exactly what he wanted to do. He then reigns in his creepy factor. "I wouldn't want you to be afraid of me," he says. Too effing late.
After her uncomfortable get together with Nate, Emily heads to Paige's and wants to explain why she got sick from her flask. Paige doesn't really want to talk about it, but eventually, she agrees to talk to Emily the next day.
Aria goes to Ezra's and his very fancy mom is there. "Her pin looks like a golden snail," my mom observes. After all, fancy ladies do love animal-shaped accessories (Judith Lieber bag, anyone?) Mrs. Fitzgerald (apparently, Ezra shortened his last name) invites them to a museum reception the following night and Aria happily agrees to join her future mother-in-law. When Mama Fitzgerald leaves, Ezra reveals that his parents are divorced and that he lied to his mom and said they started dating after he left Rosewood.
Spencer's still having trouble with the password to Maya's site and she hits a wall. She tells Hanna that Caleb is back from California (though my mom and I don't remember him being there) and she needs him for some hacking tips. Hanna agrees to let Spencer get his help, but doesn't want to be anywhere near him.
Suddenly, Hanna get a text from Wren and then, Toby storms in. "His shirt is wrinkled because his invisible mom must make him do his own laundry," my mom observes. He tells Spencer that Jason's car and everything is gone. He knows that something is up because Spencer still jumps when her phone beeps. He knows she won't tell him so he's going to find out himself. Spencer probably saw "Twilight" and/or "Teen Wolf" (MTV version) -- she should really know not to upset a werewolf.
Wren and Hanna meet at the Brew and he reveals that Radley want to take Mona to a more intense treatment center in Saratoga. They also think she's been passing her medication to one of her visitors -- not Hanna. At Hanna's request, Wren agrees to talk to Mona's parents and the doctors to try to convince them to keep Mona in Rosewood. My mom wonders why Wren's haircut is that of a "dorky 10 year old." She adds, "The guys on this show have the worst hair 'dos."
Cut a particularly bed-headed Caleb. Hanna gets up and they awkwardly stare at each other. Then Wren turns around and awkwardly stares at Caleb, then Hanna. Then Hanna looks at Wren. Then back at Caleb. Basically, it's like the final two minutes of an episode of "The Hills" or a far less cheerful version of "The Brady Bunch" theme song.
Caleb darts out and pulls up to school in a Mercedes, which he explains to an inquiring Spencer is his mom's and he drove it back from California. But enough vehicular chatter, Spencer comes out with what she really needs. Caleb's in to help her crack Maya's site because, as he says, Hanna's important to him. Awwwwww! (I'm sorry, but not really.)
As soon as Caleb leaves, Spencer gets a text:
"Mona's almost gone. Hanna's next. -A"
Meanwhile, Aria's freaking out to Emily about what to wear to the reception because Ezra's mom wears "diamonds and Chanel on a Sunday morning." Emily jokingly suggests a Hello Kitty t-shirt, before simply saying that Aria should go to the teen version of diamonds and Chanel on a Sunday morning: Spencer. But that's not the only good advice Emily has: She also asks why Ezra wouldn't have gotten money from his mom if she's so loaded. "Ooohhh Em just planted the seed of wonder," my mom observes.
Aria goes to Spencer's to borrow an outfit and when they walk in, Spencer sees that Mariska's suitcase is on the kitchen table. Spencer calls for Mariska, but she is no where to be seen. "'Mom?' Really, Spencer? I thought you were smart -- your mother isn't home--she NEVER is," my mom says sternly. Then, Spencer and Aria take out the documents in Mariska's "People vs. Reynolds" folder and take photos of all the papers.
Spencer and Aria are looking at the documents and they see that Maya was killed right in Emily's backyard. They also find the witness list, including a circled name and address, belonging to Bart Comstock. Next to it is a comment that if Mariska can break Bart, she'll win Garrett's case. Aria decides she needs to talk to Bart first so she'll stop at the address on her way home. That's a good idea -- stop at the home of a witness who knows something about a murder. Spencer's smarts are a really failing her this episode.
Instead of having a simple talk over coffee, which is what it sounded like they were planning, Emily and Paige go for a run in the woods. A physically -- and likely mentally -- exhuasted Emily finally comes out with it: She didn't spike the flask, but she did drink from it the night Ali's body was dug up and she can't remember anything. But Paige does -- Emily came over her house that night. She was on Paige's front step and Paige held her up. Then, Emily kissed her and when Paige went to get her some water, Emily left. Em is upset that Paige didn't tell her earlier and the two separate in the woods. Another brilliant idea.
Back at Radley, Hanna's waiting for Wren, who emerges and admits he couldn't convince the board to let Mona stay, but maybe Hanna can. She agrees to talk to the primary physicians to convince them not to send Mona to Saratoga.
Bart Comstock's address leads Aria to the Rosewood movie theater, where she plays it cool and picks up a Rosewood Film Festival pamphlet (sounds awesome). When the movie theater employee puts on his blazer, Aria see "Bart" on his name tag. "He's be a good march for Ella," my mom says of the film geek. "Oh wait -- Byron was in this episode so she won't be." (She's onto you I. Marlene.) Aria and Bart talk and he reveals that he saw Maya got into a police car with Garrett right up the block the night she died.
At Hastings Headquarters, Caleb finally cracks Maya's site and they're in! The first thing he and Spencer see is a video of Maya reading something by Andy Marvel. She chats about the book and then says, "If you're looking at me, beware this site is cursed." Cue hiss. Cue evil laughter.
Spencer calls Aria, who is at the reception, and they exchange their respective info (cracking Maya's code and Maya being in Garrett's car). Then Aria and Ezra walk into the classy affair and Aria finds out who Ezra's grandparents are, i.e. extremely rich people who owned all the artwork on display. "Ezra is like a Kennedy," my mom exclaims. He tells Aria he wasn't keeping her way from her family; he was keeping them from her. They chat Ramen noodles, kiss and Ezra's mom looks on angrily -- and rightfully so.
Emily's back at the old boat house and she hears something. Phew(ish)! It's Nate, who is really not all that reassuring. They talk about doing things you don't know your'e doing (a.k.a Emily's kiss with Paige), or why you're doing them. Nate says everything you do, drunk or sober, is you. "Nate is creepy and I don't like the way he looks at Em," my mom says. I agree wholeheartedly.
Back at the Osgood museum, Ezra's mom approaches Aria, who is sipping her virign drink like a seven-year-old flower girl at a wedding. She probably wishes it was spiked because Ezra's mom then starts playing a one-sided game of 21 questions with her and she eventually tells Aria that she has destroyed Ezra's life. "I'm not gonna stand by and let you ruin him," Mrs. Fitz(gerald) says, before offering Aria money to stay away from Ezra.
After she storms out, Ezra approaches his mom, who denies saying anything to upset Aria and instead offers "her bedtime" as a reason for her abrupt departure. But Ezra doesn't buy it for a second. "I'm sad that Ezra's mom is so dreadful," my mom says. "I would have given him a nice mom. You know the rule of thumb is that the biggest bitches has the nicest sons." "Really?" I asked. "No, but sometimes," she replies. A very definitive rule.
Hanna returns to Radley in a secretary top to try to convince the board that Mona deserves to stay. Her main argument? "No one will care a brown rat's ass for her in Saratoga." Apparently, that does it -- and Mona gets to stay Radley. In celebration, she spontaneously kisses Wren and is then interrupted by a text from Spencer, asking her to come see what's on MAS Sugar. "Oh, like that would really happen," my mom says sassily of Hanna's heroic act of saving Mona from Saratoga. "But I like Hanna so much so it's OK," which is her typical rationale.
After Emily's chat with Nate, she goes to see Paige, who is standing beside her gorgeous pool. Emily explains where her head was the night she kissed Paige -- and she thinks there's a reason why she came to see Paige. She leans in for another very passionate poolside kiss, which is only fitting for these two high school swimmers. Both my mom and I aren't really fans of Emily and Paige (Paigily? Emaige?), but still it's nice to see Em getting lovin'.
Back at the Montgomery's, Byron is shockingly home and a desperate Aria confides in him, worried that Ezra's mom said is true. Byron assures her she would never harm anyone, they hug and my mom goes off.
"When big loser Byron says Aria's name it annoys me soo much as does the fact that she lives with him. She would never have this convo with Byron because he's the worst. I'm uncomfortable seeing them hug," says Byron's No. 1 fan.
The non-Emily Liars meet up again Hastings Headquarters and squeamishly watch more Emily and Maya videos, including one in which we see police lights and Maya saying she can't hide anymore. The girls try to call Emily, but she can't hear her phone because she's in the pool, synchronized swimming with Paige -- and it is no Olympic medal-worthy performance.
As the credits roll, we see A getting a hefty amount of cash out of the bank and before leaving, s/he grabs a peppermint. Good breath is always important whether you're a murderer, blackmailer or otherwise.
After last week's incredibly horrifying episode (<-- not sarcasm), this was definitely a disappointment, indicated by the mere three quotes below. I didn't even get my usual chills during the A credits. Hopefully, next week (the previews showed Caleb saying he's A, which can't possibly be true) will have me peeing in my neon Liar-inspired pants yet again.
Quotes of the Night (a Spencer sweep!)
"It's not a pinata. I can't just whack at it with a stick." -Spencer
"My mom picks her teeth with court orders." -Spencer
"If you wash this, you'll end up with a sweater full of Shih-Tzu." -Spencer