After last week's big Jenna reveal, the Little Liars are eating little crumbs of chocolate cake back at the Rose Apple Grille discussing who could be the new "A," i.e. who's making necklaces out of Ali's pearly whites. "They're only cake crumbs because these girls don't really eat cake," my mom says.
Half-believing Jenna's joyride story, they cross her off and move on to Lucas, who Hanna also dismisses because he just couldn't dig up a grave. "All roads lead back to the Black Swan," Spencer says. And Hanna thinks it has to be Melissa. Emily buys it but Spencer and Aria are skeptical so Hanna says she'll consult Mon-A next time she dares to give her a mental institution makeover.
Suddenly, Jason barges in and questions Mariska about defending Garrett. He really should be questioning her about her new bangs, which my mom says are "hipster." When she says she's doing it because everyone deserves legal representation, he questions whether or not she has other motives. After she tells him to focus on his family, he storms out and posts a flyer:
"Reward $50,000 for any information about Alison DeLaurentis' remains."
Ding-a-ling-aling. The Liars have a text:
"Imagine what I could do with 50 grand
When they get back to the Parentless Hastings House, Spencer confronts Mariska about the flyers and asks what would happen to whoever came forward. Because stealing a body's a felony, they'd go to jail for at least 10 years and probably would also get a life sentence for killing Alison.
The next day at school, Aria is channeling "Pretty Woman" and Mariah Carey in her leopard-print, low-cut, puffy-sleeve cocktail dress with a butterfly necklace. "Aria looks like she is going on a job interview," my mom says, as I wonder if she thinks Aria's applying to be Rosewood's resident hooker. She's complaining about her dad's new after shave -- which "smells like baby wipes" -- but really, that's the least of her problems. Her mom doesn't know that Byron is dating Meredith again.
Aria asks her mom to dinner, which is awkward, but she's trying to convince her mom to be social. But, "she'd much rather spend a quiet night alone" with Aria, which is a totally normal for a mother to say to her daughter.
Hanna is on a mission to reveal the identity of the Black Swan, but when she gets to Radley, the tight-bunned, tight-assed nurse/receptionist says Mon-A is no longer allowed visitors because all medical professionals behave and wear their hair like this.
Meanwhile, Emily's been spending so much at the nameless hip Season 3 coffee shop that apparently, she decided to start working there too. Suddenly, a strapping young man walks in and says he's Maya's cousin, Nate. Emily says it's not a good time to chat since, you know, she literally just started working 45 seconds ago, but agrees to call him later. "Maya's cousin is wearing a shit ton of makeup," I note. "It's a Nate thing," my mom says, referring to "Gossip Girl's" Mr. Archibald.
Back at home, Hanna is on the phone trying to get behind what happened with Mon-A when Caleb walks in with Bon Iver tickets. She isn't jumping up and down -- and not just because his music would put anyone to sleep -- because she just talked to Wren who said Mon-A freaked out after some guy paid her a visit. Hanna's quick to accuse Lucas, but Caleb confesses and says she needs to stop visiting Mon-A. She doesn't agree -- and neither does Wren, apparently. "Wren is up to no good. He's been around wayyyyyyy too long," I say. "He is a worm," my mom agrees, before a "Magic Mike" commercial has her begging me to accompany her to what she calls, "Channing's true life story like on E!" Anyway, back to the Haleb drama. Caleb leaves, but not before tossing the Bon Iver tickets. But really, that was for the best.
Hanna and Aria, who's sitting at her laptop, discuss the fight and Hanna contemplates telling Caleb "about this 'A.'" Aria says she'd tell Ezra ... because they're the model for relationship perfection.
Aria's computer screen is filled with "pictures of bald, fat men," Hanna notes and Aria says she's looking for a man for her mom. Hanna says online dating isn't necessary because Ella's "a catch." My mom wants clarification: "What kind of catch??? A smelly fish kind???" she asks.
Ashley walks in and sees what the girls are up to. In search for "someone who doesn't look like a grape" or have a unibrow, Ashley suggests they use MainLineMate.com and Hanna suggests they use the name "HotMama." My mom suggests, "Loser Lying Mama." Not quite as catchy, if you will.
Back at Rosewood High, Spencer is rocking some knee socks and approaches Jason. I completely forget why he's at the school in the first place. And I'm not alone. "So suddenly Jason appears and he has been teaching all this time and just not visible?" my mom asks. "I hate when they think they can pull the wool over our eyes." She urges him to let the police handle this and he urges her to think about why her mom took Garrett's case.
Over at some random bench, Emily meets up with Nate, who is now bespectacled just so we're clear he's a co-ed. They discuss Maya and her parents and Nate has a box that was delivered a few weeks after the funeral. "For My Em, Love You Girl," the card so eloquently reads. It's a tank top featuring the zombie movie they half-watched, half-made-out-through on their first date.
Back at Radley, Hanna decides to sneak into Radley to get to Mon-A. Just a word of advice: You might not want to wear neon and ruffles while breaking and entering. As she tip toes around, she sees Officer Wilden, who tells Wren he has a court order to talk to Mon-A. How long will he be in there, Wren asks? "As long at it takes," he says. Door slam. Z snap. (OK, so that last part didn't really happen.) Wren sees Hanna and the two talk about Mon-A.
Emily and Nate head to the Rose Apple Grille, which is regaining its prominence as Rosewood's prime eatery. They reminisce about Maya, but there seems to be a bit of a connection between them. It seems like there is going to be some weird mourning/transference hook-up situation. Nate tells Emily that Maya said she was "her first true love" and Emily says she needs some closure. She asks for her parents' address, but Nate suspiciously doesn't have it and he suspiciously left his book.
Back at the Parentless Hastings House, the girls are trying to convince Spencer, who is rocking some day sequins, that it was Melissa in the Black Swan costume. She's ready to find out once and for all so she picks up the car keys and bad-assedly declares, "Goin' to Philly!"
Ashley and Ella meet up at the nameless hip Season 3 coffee shop to discuss divorced life, MainLineMate.com anyhow they need men to take care of toilets. I ask them to "GO AWAY." My mom adds: "FAR FAR FAR AWAY. It's amazing these girls aren't all in the looney bin with Mona from having the parents they have."
Hanna, Aria and Emily are waiting outside Melissa's apartment for her to leave and Spencer will give them to green light to go in once Melissa takes the bait and meets her at the movie theater. They decide to go in assuming Melissa must have gotten there by now. "Let's find out when she lost that baby," Aria says.
Then, of course, Spencer gets a text that Melissa left her wallet and is coming back and though she tries to warn the other three liars, they miss her text while looking for Melissa's fake baby bump. But then, the girls spot her out the window. They scramble and completely unrealistically find the time to head in Melissa's very color-coded and very neat closet. Of course, she goes into the closet to get her wallet out of a jacket pocket, but somehow (i.e. this is a TV show), they're still safe. With Melissa gone, the Liars exit the closet, but not before finding a garment bag from a costume store. When they unzip, there's no costume, but there is a single feather. It's black and blue. (Get it?! Because she inflicts pain on people!)
When they return home, the feather matches the one Hanna found at the masquerade ball. Spencer isn't ready to point the finger at her sister, even though now, both Aria and Hanna agree. So she agrees to go back to Philly and confront Melissa.
But no need. When she gets home, Melissa's standing there in the dark with the butcher knife. You know, just cooking dinner slash preparing to kill. Melissa, who my mom deems "best creeper," says she's there to protect Mariska from Jason after his episode at the Grill. And suddenly, Spencer gets the balls to whip out the feather and accuse Melissa of being the Black Swan and lying about her miscarriage. Of course, this all happens without any lights on. "The Hastings don't pay their electric bill," my mom surmises. "No mom. It's a metaphor for them allays being in the dark."
Anyway, Melissa confesses to losing the baby the day after they found Ian's body. Melissa tried to tell Spencer the night of Ian's funeral, but then, she saw Ian's phone in Melissa's bag and thought she was blackmailing her. Suddenly, Mariska and her bangs enter and it's time for Melissa to come clean.
She says the dress came to her apartment with a note that said she had to wear it to the masquerade ball or everyone would find out about her baby. The note also said to distract Jenna at the ball. She's assuming it was Mon-A because she was taken to Radley that night and she was never threatened again.
After Melissa goes upstairs to lay down because being a Pretty Big Liar is exhausting, Spencer asks Mariska who else knows about the baby and the only non-Hasting is Garrett. She accuses her mom of defending him because he was blackmailing her, but she says it's because one of the defense witnesses Garrett's former attorney had come up with was the P.I. the Hastings hired to investigate Melissa after Alison went missing. She had to take on Garrett's case to protect Melissa. Melissa beckons and before she answers her call, Mariska tells Spencer, "Like it or not, this is your family." Umm ... NOT!
Hanna's on the phone with Aria talking about how Caleb is coming over and she's prepared to tell him, but then she gets a text. It says, "I'm everywhere, Hanna -A" and below is a photo of a crashed car and a Montecito EMT to the rescue. (Note: I have no idea what this means, but seemingly, Hanna does.) Caleb walks in and says his mom was in a car accident after someone tried to run her off the road. (OHHHHH!) She's okay, but Hanna's shaken. She can't tell Caleb out of fear he'll get hurt and he's had enough. He knows she's not being honest and she still won't come clean. There are tears. Caleb says she's not giving him much of a choice but to walk away. More tears. (Not Hanna's. My mom's.) "I'm crying now :( ," she says. "They would win the People's Choice Award for Best TV Couple." She is giving out lots of superlatives tonight.
Emily meets up one more time with Nate, who suspiciously still doesn't haven Maya's parents' address for her. But he takes her letter to them and says he'll send it. She returns his book and he says he's leaving Hollis because he's "having a tough time settling in." We understand. It has been three days, after all. We're not exactly sure what Nate is up to, because shopping sprees at Sephora.
Spencer goes out for an evening stroll and runs into Jason, who says he's received more than 200 calls from those who claim they know where Ali's remains are. Spencer says she's looking forward to heading to college and escaping all the drama. Jason says it's not that easy. "Trust me," he says. "You can leave Rosewood, but Rosewood will never leave you," which my mom says is "profound," though, she adds, "Jason is sketchy."
Then his phone rings and Spencer heads out, but not before Jason says he's withdrawing the reward. "The truth always comes out, Jason," she tells him. "One way or another."
But then, the audience is let in on yet another little secret: Jason writes a check to cash for $50,000 and returns the call he ignored previously, saying he'll meet whoever is on the other end in 15 minutes. Who could he be paying the money to? The private detective the Hastings hired?
As Spencer continues her walk home, Wilden pulls up and "curiously" asks, "How far away is your parents' lake house?"
Then, we see A at the airport, hacking into Radley's computer system and adjusting Mon-A's visiting privileges to "permitted" from the Montecito Airport, with drink in glove. So ... A's legal and seemingly likes mojitos.
Best Quotes of the Night
"She's back to being size too skinny."- Hanna
"I haven't been on a date since George Clooney was on E.R."- Ella
"Melissa bought a pair of Chloe boots at Saks last week for $900."- Emily
"OK. Now those I want to see."- Aria
"Oh my god. She's even more anal than Spencer"- Hanna
"I didn't even think that was possible." -Emily
"And yet, it is." -Aria
"You know what they say: If the feather fits."-Hanna
"Hanna, it's the shoe. If the shoe fits."- Aria
"Whatever. Melissa's A."- Hanna
"Mom. You better tell me right now or I swear to God, I'm gonna walk out of that door and I'm not coming back." - Spencer