Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 4, Episode 1 of "RuPaul's Drag Race."
It's time for the fourth season of "RuPaul's Drag Race" and the eponymous host, mentor, drag queen diva herself assures viewers that this season is the "most sickening ever" and will be "breaking all the rules."
I couldn't be happier to hear the theme song and Ru's closing cackle. So gentlemen, start your engines and may the best woman win.
The work room is pinker than ever and first to arrive is Willam, who appears to be channeling Britney Spears -- she's rocking blonde waves, a denim vest, an exposed bra, a miniskirt, and cranberry fringe suede boots. "We got some big girls," she observes, looking at the mannequins. "I hope they don't have diabetes." Let it be known that this bitch did not come up through the club system. (Don't get it twisted.) She's an actor, like, been on "Sex and the City" actor. She decides she's "the skinniest one" and then tells viewers she's "not some bitch who has to show for a dollar," before claiming her work station with her tongue.
Lashawwn Beyond is just 21-years-old and has hair too big for the door. She's donning lots of gold and black that harkens back to Season 1 winner Bebe.
Coming in from "Queens, New York, baby" is Jiggly Caliente who has "swag for your nerve" and fancies herself "New York City's plus size Barbie."
Phi Phi O'Hara enters with little flair and then comes our first Puerto Rican queen of the season, Madame LaQueer, who may win for the greatest name of Season 4.
Milan shows up in a pinstripe suit -- an interesting choice -- and lets everyone know she is "fierce, fabulous [and] she is diva ... You don't want it from her."
Next up is young-in Alisa Summers, a fishy queen admired for her T&A who does not get clocked.
Dida Ritz follows and refers to herself as the love child of Beyonce, Carrie Bradshaw and Kimora Lee, but with that stringy blonde wig, Lashawwnda thinks she's looking a little jacked.
The Princess is up next and calls herself a reserved extrovert, exemplified by her revealing leotard, but totally business-like doorman-style cap.
Another baby of the bunch is 21-year-old Puerto Rican Kenya Michaels (which is the most popular drag last name in all the land, see Chad Michaels and Morgan McMichaels). She adorably claims that she's a "little person, but a fierce bitch" and she is absolutely this season's Nina Flowers/Jessica Wilde/Alexis Mateo.
Chad Michaels (no relation to Kenya) is probably the oldest queen in the competition. This 40-year-old wants you to know one thing: First and foremost, he is a celebrity impersonator (of Cher, of course).
Sharon Needles is definitely our first Marilyn Manson-inspired contestant on "RuPaul's Drag Race." With a quivering, black-painted lip and a witch's hat, she enters the work room and claims she's three things: beautiful, spooky and stupid. Chad thinks, "Wow, what a whackjob."
Next up, self-proclaimed "chunky, yet funky" Latrice Royale has two words when she greets the queens: "Eat it!"
A plaid-clad Ru arrives to go over the prizes and this year, there's $100,000 cash at stake. "When I heard $100,000 i just wanted to pee on the floor and start doing flip flops," Madame LaQueer says.
But first, they need to survive the biggest drag disaster of all time: The RuPocalypse.
And someone's missing: It's the pit crew (cue crotch zoom in)! Oh wait. But they have a box. And Shangela is in the building ... Hallellu! Except no one looks happy to see the already once-risen-from-the-dead queen. So Ru sends her on her way. She's not competing ... again. 'Twas all a joke.
Now onto the RuPocolypse photoshoot for which "the pit crew will be using their hoses to spray you with hazardous waste." Of course, they are. The ladies will also be standing in heels on a spinning wheel.
Even more so than the catwalk portion of "Drag Race," the photoshoots spur RuPaul's best one-liners. Here's a sampling:
"Sharon Needles. Did I meet you at the free clinic?"- RuPaPaul
"I think so. I quit going. It's so expensive." -Sharon, who gives "Chernobyl chic" during her shoot
Jiggly Caliente eats it on the floor, but, according to Ru, still manages to "pucker her apocalypse"
Back in the work room, the wigs come off.
According to Jiggly, Latrice went from looking like Aretha Franklin to looking like Biggie Smalls.
Jiggy's isn't feeling Sharon Needles, saying, "I feel like I need to use a rosary when I'm talking to you."
Karma is a bitch and so is Willam, who, after mocking some unbalanced queens and then falling herself, enters the work room, screaming "Go home!" Phi Phi is not a fan; she wants to put Willam in the box with Shangela.
Dida Ritz just wants everyone to get along ... until a bitch steals something from you, then it's on.
Then Ru comes into the work room to announce that Jiggly wins for best photo of the day. CONDRAGULATIONS!
Onto the runway challenge. The queens gather outside a dingy motel, which we know is old because it's being shot in sepia tone. According to Ru, "cockroaches, Cher and drag queen zombies" are the only things that will survive the RuPocalypse and so, the contestants have three minutes to grab what they can from the zombies, i.e. former competitors from "Drag Race" seasons past (Eee! Ongina!). There's a whole lotta cowbell and shrieking.
Back in the work room, there's booty poppin', courtesy of Kenya, and a struggling Lashawwn, who Phi Phi thinks is going home. It's possible, considering she keeps calling it her "post-apocoloptic" ensemble.
Ru arrives to check in on the girls because on this show, there's no need for a Tim and a Heidi or a Mr. Jay and a Tyra. RuPaul does it all.
- First up is The Princess who is channeling "Black Swan" with pink/black ballerina ensemble. Ru doubts its apocalyptic factor, leading her to rethink her look.
- Sharon is doing something Linda Hamilton/"Beauty and the Beast," but I don't hear the rest because I cannot stop looking at her half-mullet-half-caesar-cut hair. Ru talks to her about her Tammy Faye Baker tattoo. Sharon admits she worshipped her, but adds, "I didn't even know she was selling Christianity. I thought she was selling me make-up." I'm kind of hate-loving her.
- Next up, Ru approaches Jiggly. "May I call you, Jiggly?" the host/mentor/judge asks. "Of course, Mama. Everything jiggles"
- Upon visiting Alisa's station we learn she's a "breast plate girl," not unlike India Ferrah and Shannel.
- Then, we take a serious turn after Ru asks what was Latrice's end of the world moment. She answered that it was being arrested and losing her mom in the same year. She called it "the most degrading experience [she's] ever had in [her] life," but now, she's living the dream.
Jiggly gets emotional about her mom who passed in 2007, but thank goodness for downer Phi Phi who lightens the mood, noting that Sharon looks like a brown tube sock that she stretched out. Now, she thinks Sharon's the first to go.
Jiggly's werkin' some "baked potato couture" with a whole lot of foil and soon enough, it's time to hit the runway.
Cue "Covergirl, put the base in your walk!" ... "And what?" I've seriously missed that.
The judges this week are Michelle Visage, Mike Ruiz, Santino Rice and Elvira, who could "put somebody's eyes out with those things," Ru notes. No joke!
And so it begins ...
- Willam -- "not DeFoe, not Will.i.am" -- lost a boob in the apocalypse. But she does have "ass, ass, titties, hair, gas mask," so she's all good.
- Phi Phi has a dream catcher covering her private parts and a honey badger on her shoulders.
- Lashawwn is still saying post-apocoloptic.
- Chad Michaels looks like a "real fish caught in the net" with a high-cut leotard. Ru calls it "very Lawrence of my labia."
- The Princess is rocking the "Queen Overboard" look, which is very "Waterworld" couture. Is that supposed to be a good thing? Has she seen "Waterworld"?
- Kenya Michaels, who RuPaul compares to Lil' Kim, looks like a phoenix rising from the ashes with wings. She's feeling "fuego."
- Latrice, who really likes rhyming, is "giving big girl sexy showing all of [her] curves and swerves."
- Alisa Summers is "all terrain vajayjay," according to Michelle.
- Milan looks like "infected Betsy Johnson"
- Jiggly inspires many a comment: "Apparently hoarding is the new black," "She's one hot potato" and "she's serving her natural juices."
- Dida is channeling Naomi [Campbell] and Gisele [Bundchen] and showing off some tush. "Crack is whack," Ru concludes.
- Madame LaQueer is serving up foot and lots of leopard print.
- Sharon Needles is bleeding from the mouth, prompting Ru to say, "I hope she's wearing a dental dam." Gross.
Ru tells the ladies that are safe to step it up and then we're left with the best and the worst: Lashawwn, Sharon, Jiggly, Kenya, Alisa and Princess.
- Lashawwn says she's always nervous, but Ru says she needs "nerve" instead. Later, Ru notes she's "cute for a taste, not for a swallow."
- Sharon says she felt drop dead gorgeous. Punny! Michelle notes she wants to see her in girl drag.
- Jiggly "Hey Mama" Caliente assaulted Elvira's eyeballs and Michelle calls her a mess. Ru says she needs to bring it every time. And Jiggly will, Mama. They are so in love with her as a person, despite her disappointing catwalk work.
- The judges love Kenya but are "eh" on her outfit due to bunchiness of the bottom and lack of apocalyptic ness.
- Alisa says she has red tulle coming out of her breast plate because, "I like to shoot fire out of my titties." Santino isn't feeling it, but Mochelle's into the look. In a very Carmen Carrera/Rebecca Glasscock way, she seems to be "resting on pretty." Ru later calls her look "tacky" and Elvira is reminded of worst movie in the world, "Showgirls." Michelle whips her head around at that comment. Oh yes, she did.
- They liked The Princess' hydropocalypse take, but Michelle notes there's no dirt on her ensemble. She's too white for the end of the world, apparently.
After deliberations, Lashawwn is safe, Jiggly is up for elimination (which makes her "want to die"), Sharon wins and earns immunity, The Princess is safe and so is Kenya. Alisa is in the bottom two with Jiggly for not being "breast in show" and she "can't believe it."
Time for Jiggly and Alisa to lip-sync for their lives. Jiggly is pulling out all the stops. "If I have to shoot ping pongs out of my ass I will do it," she says. Instead, she does a split. (Mystique Part Deux, anyone?) Even Willam was feeling it. Milan notes Alisa's slow-paced performance. "This is called 'Drag Race,' not 'Drag Waltz,'" the safe queen claims.
Alisa may be a queen for all seasons, but not this one and it's time for her to sashay away. She definitely didn't think she was going to be the first to go, but for a young queen, she handles it well.
"Keep it cute ladies. Shady Sisters 4 ever! <3 Alisa" she writes in lipstick on the mirror.
Bye bye, Ms. Summers.