Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 4, Episode 2 of "RuPaul's Drag Race."
We kick things off with a whole lot of shade for Jiggly Caliente, who nearly went home last week. In memoriam of the first queen to go, Alisa, apparently Jiggly deemed to necessary to wear a slashed, off-the-shoulder top a la Sammi on "Jersey Shore."
Jiggly is worried that the other queens are doing more than just reading her: "I feel like there's a target in the back of my head and all these bitches are trying to assassinate me," she says.
But ooh, gurl: We got SheMail. Ru's come to pump up the girls and says it's time for some necessary roughness (just don't hurt the face).
For the mini-challenge, the queens have to literally make asses of themselves. They have 30 minutes to use a whole lot of foam, packing peanuts and the like to stuff some junk in their respective trunks. And it's gonna be tight because, as Dida Ritz explains, padding requires "at least a good hour to even start."
Sharon Needles also has some advice: "When making your ass, always draw the shape of Africa. Or as Latrice would say, the homeland." But she's "Polynesian, bitch."
Time to walk for Ru, who is apparently not a fan of the cottage cheesiness Jiggly is serving up. Phi Phi O'Hara, Willam and Chad Michaels win the challenge and that gives them advantage for ...
Wrestling?! The girls will become the luscious ladies of the fictional WTF and will each be coming up with her own over-the-top wrestling character. Now, the mini-challenge winners pick their teams.
Phi Phi goes with Latrice, LaShauwn and Kenya. Willam picks Dida, The Princess and Jiggly. And Chad Michaels claims Milan, Sharon Needles and Madame LaQueer, the last woman standing.
Ru tells them each team needs to decide who will be the heroines (faces) and villains (heels). As they discuss, Madame LaQueer is quickly proving to be the weakest link on Team Chad because she has a bad ankle. [Note: If this were "Watch What Happens Live!" and the drinking game alert term was ankle, I would be physically incapable of writing this, and maybe anything else, ever again.]
Willam is really happy with her team and Dida says they're gonna ace it.
Then, the ladies head to the ring to meet with three professionals -- Hollywood's Own, El Chido
and King of Submissions -- who can help them choreograph their fights.
While Jiggly throws shade and screams about New York, The Princess stays pretty mum. "Princess is giving closed captioning while [Jiggly's] in stereo," Willam jokes. I will not lie to you, I am really coming around to her. She's kind of hilarious.
As is the beloved Sharon Needles, who really shows her versatility in this episode, in addition to her smack talking skills. "Come on, Madame. Mah damn face is sick of looking at you," Ms. Needles taunts to LaQueer.
Back in the workroom, Ru checks in on all the teams and Jiggly assures her she'll be luscious. And then our fearless host announces that the guest judges will be Billy B., Rick Fox and John Salley. Willam says, "I think i'll tuck extra tight for Rick Fox and John Salley."
Now, let's the games begin.
First up is Team Phi Phi and though I do not watch professional wrestling so I'm unclear of its standards, this intro set up looks like bad porn, not that I watch that either.
Nevertheless, it's still clear to me that Latrice and split-show off Kenya have the attitude down. I am kind of loving it.
Next is Team Willam and the leader is still throwing out zingers, calling Jiggly a "plus-sized Jujubee," who I miss dearly, by the way.
Juju, I mean, Jiggly, is worried that The Princess' lackluster performance in the ring will affect him. "If I get in the bottom two because of this bitch? It ain't gonna be cute," she says. Noted.
And the best for last is easily Team Chad. Between their costumes (Madame LaQueer's cleaving-showcasing, Britney Spears-inspired red pleather catsuit) and the storyline (the villains give the heroes crabs after sleeping with their boyfriends), they're easily the ringleaders. I think specific props should go out to Chad and Sharon, the latter of whom is a new woman this episode and looking uber-fishy.
Speaking of which, there is an angle of Sharon Needles that thoroughly amazes me. These tucks ... I mean, after four seasons of "RuPaul's Drag Race," I will never get it.
Sharon is on fire; she says to Madame LaQueer, "Alright Kirstie Alley before 'Dancing with the Stars."
And the show's over. Back in the workroom, the ladies discuss family and Madame LaQueer says she has none anymore; her friends are her family. Chad's seriously pouty lips quiver and they embrace. She better not cry and f--- with that mug. There's no crying on "Drag Race" because it's runway time!
Ru is looking very ruffled and '70s, complete with hoop earrings and a fro (which is just how I like my RuPaul) and it's time for the ladies to show off their girliest looks.
- Kenya is up first in a magenta sequined mini-dress and Nicki Minaj wig. She's precious.
- LaShauwn is serving "bubble gum, yum yums ... Going girly beyond." Chew on that.
- I've said it 83 times and I'll say it again: Sharon is really just blowing my mind. She looks amazing on the runway, as Michelle notes, "a lost Arquette sister." Sharon says she wanted to show the judges she could bring beauty to the stage even though it's foreign to her. Success!
- Jiggly says she is serving "Banjee girl meets Sweet 16." I only know what half of that means and I'll buy it.
- Milan is feeling like black Barbie meets a Valley girl. Her dress is see-through. What kinda Barbie's was she playing with? Since John Salley is there, though, Milan says she'd rather be a "Salley girl."
- Madame LaQueer is sporting an asymmetrical hairstyle straight out of "Edward Scissorhands." And she says it's the most beautiful she's ever looked on the show (i.e. in two episodes).
- Dida comes out and Michelle says, "I thought it was P. Diddy's Mom." Dida says she's giving fish, face and vogue. She knows her runway is "fierce" [snap].
- Chad Michaels looks very Paris Hilton and she says she is serving up "girly girl realness fish on a stick." Ru adds, "Heidi Montag called and she wants her old body back."
- The Princess is loving her little girl rockstar ensemble and her red windblown hairstyle. But Ru is sensing a bit of Cameron Diaz. "There's something about The Princess," he says. Gross.
- Phi Phi is serving up "telenovela realness." She says she was going for a dragged out Miami housewife" and judges are just eating her up. "Her legs are like peanut butter ... easy to spread," Ru says.
- Latrice Royale is "pretty in pink." Star Jones called and "wants her old body back," according to Ru.
- Willam's look is "rich bitch mistress." She says she's "serving girlie girl on a platter to go, sauce on the side." Billy B. thinks it's "'Toddlers and Tiaras' where are they now." I wish.
Team Chad Michaels wins it and Madame LaQueer and Chad Michaels get some risque wigs for being the creme de la creme. No, that's legit the brand.
LaShawn gets ripped a new one, while the judges love Kenya and Rick Fox calls Latrice "Shag-Quille O'Neal Latrice."
When the ladies leave the stage, the judges wonder if Willam's attitude will get in the way and if The Princess is charismatic enough. Rick says Dida was "going for 'Sex and the City,' but it was more like Sex in the Alley." Billy B. sees literally nothing wrong with Kenya or Latrice.
So it's not surprising that Latrice, Kenya and Phi Phi are all safe. Ru asks Jiggly if there's more from her than "Queen of the Hood"? That's to be determined. Nevertheless, she's safe.
The judges decide that The Princess is channelling pink, but her performance was beige. Thus, she's up for elimination. Willam is also safe as is Dida, but LaShauwn will join The Princess at the bottom.
Time to lipsync for their lives to "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer and LaShauwn just doesn't commit the way The Princess does, even though she pulled it out of nowhere. So The Princess (chantay) will stay and LaShawn has to sashay away. She's a young queen and, as she says, "some of these girls are between 40 and 50 so it was sickening"
She signs the mirror with "Stay true 2 U" and it's on to the next.