Sitting down for Tuesday's episode of "The Voice" was like seeing a significant other for the first time after a really bad date. We were hesitant, but it's not time to break up yet. Luckily, the coadges changed their tune and chose some people who could actually sing.
There was a business school dropout, a high schooler, a teen mom, a mom mom, a former race car driver and sob stories were actually warranted. It was a shockingly balanced and logical evening on "The Voice." Plus, we learned Cee Lo's feet don't reach the ground in his spinny chair, which was less surprising, but equally entertaining.
And now, onto the auditionees ...
"Wild World," Cat Stevens
Collin McLoughlin (Do you think he's Irish? Also, does his name rhyme?) dropped out of business school at NYU to pursue music full time, and boy, his parents were not pleased. But it's OK, the super white McLoughlin family knows that it will all be worth it if Collin manages to turn around a chair.
Jaimie: "The white guys always wear vests."
Chelsey: "Yes, because white people have balls to say 'F*** SLEEVES!'"
Jaimie: "Also, is the mom wearing a no-hands pashmina?"
Chelsey: "I'm 99 percent positive that Kurt wore that on Glee."
Things get whiter when Collin hits the stage singing Cat Stevens' classic "Wild World" ... a favorite song of any middle-aged caucasian person or a young fan of UK "Skins." Cee Lo and Blake are both impressed and press their buttons early on, and Adam eventually follows suit. After he's done singing, the boy coadges ask Collin about his background, and he tells them that he left grad school for this. The crowd goes wild.
Chelsey: "Everyone in that audience just applauded dropping out of school. #America"
Adam tells Collin that he has one of the purest voices ever to grace "The Voice" stage. Christina tells him that it was great but "a little too mellow" for her. Blake and Cee Lo say their pieces, but non-Texan white boys gotta stick together, you know? Team Adam it is. Afterwards, Blake seems to be turning to anger and is legitimately upset that Collin did not choose him. Cliff chin up, Blake.
"Stronger," Kelly Clarkson
This 17-year-old Floridian is adorable as can be, but life hasn't been honky dory for Joselyn, who is very Cassie Steele, for all you "Degrassi" and "L.A. Complex" fans. Joselyn suffered from neurological deficiencies as an infant and spent her early years in and out of hospitals. When a young Joselyn fell behind at school and was barely speaking, her parents brought her to a specialist who prescribed an unconventional treatment: music (a fact that faux-shocked Carson to an irritating extent).
With her Barbie karaoke, Joselyn sang, blossomed and came out of her shell. Now, she says, is her "time to shine." With the lyrically fitting "Stronger," Joselyn takes the stage and slowly builds up the crowd and eventually the coaches too.
Jaimie: "She needs more power."
Chelsey: "Yeah. She needs some of Agina's."
Christina presses her button towards the end of the song and Blake soon follows, which the ever insightful X-Tina seemed to miss.
Once she realizes, she fights for Joselyn, saying she wants to "get inside [her] head." Blake uses her comment against her to jokingly discuss X-Tina's mental abuse. Again, anger. But he doesn't sway Joselyn, who chooses Christina. Her version of "Stronger" plays as Joselyn leaves the stage.
Chelsey: "Playing 'Stronger' after she sang 'Stronger' ... Someone got lazy."
"Knockin' On Heaven's Door," Guns 'N Roses
Speed racer and sideburn enthusiast Benji used to race Formula One cars. Carson gives us his best shot at seeming to care, asking Benji to "tell [him] about that dream" of car racing. Benji explains that racing cars is only for rich folk, so he couldn't hang. Now, he's going to sing instead ... because everyone loves a struggling artist, but NO ONE likes a struggling racecar driver, you know?
Jaimie: "Oh lord. Those are some 'burns. I guess they compensate for his teeny tiny soulpatch."
Chelsey: "I guess that means he's got a little soul! Hehehe."
Jaimie: "Oh you just Blaked. Or Carsoned, depending on the day."
Benji takes the stage singing a Guns 'N Roses classic and his voice has got some RASP, which obviously means Adam will dig it. He does, and is the first to turn around. Cee Lo does some body rolls in his chair and eventually presses his button as well, throwing his tiny arms into the air (which for Cee Lo means ear level).
Jaimie: "The mini arms are up! He's in!"
Chelsey: "They don't reach above his head."
Benji's 90-seconds of fame end and the best thing ever happens. We are introduced to Cee Lo's "happy feet." Yes, apparently his legs are just as short as his arms, and they don't reach the ground. He is kicking them back and forth in a fit of joy and there is no way to describe how happy it makes us.
Chelsey: "OH MY GODDDDDDDD. The feet!!! They don't touch the ground!!!"
Jaimie: "And his arms don't touch his face."
Chelsey: "It's all so magical."
Adam tells Benji that he loves the rasp and that he could win the whole competition. We don't really listen to what Cee Lo says because all we're thinking about are his happy feet. Benji disses the 'Lo and goes Team Adam.
"Let's Stay Together," Al Green
Mycle has a heartbreaking story like we've never heard before: He lost his dad to lung cancer, then his mom to a respiratory disorder and about a week before auditioning for "The Voice," his grandfather who helped raise him passed away also.
Over his difficult years, Mycle has tried to find happiness in a wide range of places -- the military, construction and more fields -- but he realized music is his passion. "This has got to happen," he says before taking the stage and then we have the same fear at the same time.
Chelsey: "Does he have no one there?"
Jaimie: "Does he have any family?"
Chelsey: "Please tell me no."
Jaimie: "I can't take it."
And just a few lines into the Al Green classic, Adam and Cee Lo press their bottoms, followed shortly thereafter by Blake. As much as Christina's digging it -- bobbing her blonde head throughout -- she doesn't spin her chair around. But X-Teen's poor judgment aside, he's amazing.
Jaimie: "He was going to make it obviously."
Chelsey: "Yeah, he's incredible. Oh thank God. Girlfriend."
Jaimie: "Oh! He has a gf. Phew!"
Chelsey: "I really almost cried."
Jaimie: "I know."
Cee Lo livens right up when it comes time for him to talk about Mycle. He is genuinely excited about an audition for once, not just drooling over a hot chick. Cee Lo calls Mycle the "total package" and is damn close to begging for him to join his team.
Jaimie: "Cee Lo was giving him a standing ovation. But it looked like he was sitting."
Adam tells Mycle, "I didn't expect you to be you" and by "you" he means "white." Blake says he's the best vocalist they've heard that day and the choice is up to Mycle.
Cee Lo chants, "Let me love you" (a la Meredith Grey) and it seems to work.
Team: Cee Lo
But a couple of lovely ladies weren't so lucky to make the cut tonight:
"I Have Nothing," Whitney Houston
Trevanne is a 33-year-old single mother and had her first child at 17. She also has an adorable little toddler who wears seersucker, so we were really pulling for her so we could see his face again. She chooses to sing Whitney ... a bold move. If you're going to sing Whitney, you better damn well be this girl.
Unfortunately, Trevanne is not that girl, and her rendition just doesn't cut it. It's very sad and we just want it to end, but the coadges continue to ramble on. As Jaimie says, "When they don't pick someone, I don't want to hear them talk for three minutes." It's all very sad. Let's move on.
"Skyscraper," Demi Lovato
After a montage of singers who made it to the battle rounds, but didn't have interesting enough sob stories to get full video packages, we are introduced to 52-year-old Lorraine, who claims to be a singing coach in New York, but who knows, because she is all kinds of crazy. Her mom is cute though, so there's that. The more Lorraine talks, the more frightened we become.
Jaimie: "Oh my god. She's actually a maniac."
Chelsey: "She needs a straight jacket."
Jaimie: "Her laugh. Or rather. Her cackle."
Then she starts singing Demi, because she's totally young at heart, you guys. Weird things happen with her voice, and definitely not in a good way.
Chelsey: "This is so painful. It seems like an 'SNL' sketch."
Jaimie: "Ew. I'm cringing. I have a permanent cringe. Maybe she's on drugs."
Chelsey: "Definitely uppers. I need this all to end."
No one turns their chair around, but like a true crazy, she seems even happier than before! Fight on, Ferro!