Dear President Obama: I'm Willing To Run A Bank For You For 500K

Dear President Obama:

I've given it some thought and consideration and look at my monthly bills and I think I may be able to live on it, if I'm careful with the credit cards and don't do a lot of splurging - my New Year's resolution was to cut back on the $10,000 Friday afternoon shopping sprees. You asked everyone to step up and do more, I can do this, no sacrifice is too great for my country right?

I might need some double-checking on the precise amounts here but I figure this out to be about $40,000 a month, $20,000 a paycheck - it's not a problem, I already shop at Costco, I love this all cash Thai restaurant near me for lunch and there's a great sub shop around the corner from my office where I can eat as well. I just don't want you to worry about me or the kids, I got this.

As per my qualifications, I fully admit there are some businesses I flat out would be totally wrong for, anything to do with bio-tech, wrong. High end computers, probably not me, but I can dust off my old economics degree and I'll be just fine because look, let's be honest.

Banks are the most ancient and most basic businesses to run. As long as you lend money out for less in interest than you pay for it, you make money. Any idiot could do it, hey, look at all the idiots that have been doing it, right?

Here's the cheat sheet I put together for the interview I am hoping to schedule with you:

You take some money, I'll start with a billion of that free money the Treasury department is handing out.

You lend it to people, and I'm thinking I'll charge 5% interest. I don't want to charge too much, and the money's not really my money, it's our money, but I need to make some money so 5% seems fair.

So I get $50 million back in interest as long as I don't lend it to people who can't pay it back, or make up some fake derivative mish-mash of receivables or spend it all on say naming rights for Fenway Park (I'm a Red Sox fan but that's better than being a Cubs fan right? Hell yes.)

Now, here's what I figure. My 500k has to come out of that 50 million and the rest of my expenses to run the business as well. I'm thinking, again, if I am prudent, cut down on the private planes, golf junkets and hookers, we'll be fine.

In fact, I'll bet I make a little money, actually, a lot of money. I figure we all, and I mean all Americans, own the bank together right? That seems fair. How about I issue 330 million shares so everyone gets a share? I'll do that unless I hear back otherwise.

But don't worry, I'll keep the deal and live on the 500k like you, I am sure, will make me personally promise. I know a decent left-handed reliever gets more, but you know what? Like Babe Ruth said when asked why he should get paid more than the president, 'I had a better season.'

So good luck with the rest of your first 100 days. I'll start working on the name of the bank, and my business plan, and get the paperwork done.

I look forward to hearing from you. And if you need some more people to run banks for you for 500K, just ask, I'm sure I must know a couple of other folks who would be willing to try and live on that for the short term at least.

Sincerely,

James