To My Favorite Honky George Allen: An Explanation Of The Word Fiction

Dear George:

I understand that today you took issue with Jim Webb writing about sex scenes in some of his novels. I wonder if perhaps the misunderstanding comes from the fact that you have never actually read a book. Nope, comics don't count, sorry. I mean a chapter book, with lots of words and no pictures.

If you had a read a book, or better yet, a novel, you would understand that sometimes people write about things they don't know anything about or have never experienced. Some of your fellow Americans would now make fun of you, but not me. After all, is it your fault you were too busy stuffing deer heads in mailboxes to find time to read a book? Of course not.

So bear with me as I take a moment and explain that there are essentially two kinds of books.

Non-Fiction (everything is true) and Fiction (everything is made up.)

I fear I have lost you already.

Let's say there was a true story about a racist from Virginia who calls people 'niggers.' It's true so that's what people call non-fiction. It's evidently quite a long book that covers decades in the life of the racist. There are even pictures of the racist in a Confederate uniform. Remember: if it's non-fiction, it's true.

Now, let's say there's another book and it's all made up - it's a story about people who don't even exist (did you have imaginary white friends when you were a kid George?) This is what we call fiction (Jim Webb writes fiction George.)

I once wrote a short story about a lobsterman having sex with lobsters. I completely made it up. Hey, I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I have never had sex with a lobster, not once, never ever. And now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure a person can't actually have sex with a lobster.

Here's another way to think about it. Lies are like fiction. You see? When you put a bunch of lies together, it's kind of like a book of fiction? So remember when you tried to claim you were saying "mohawk" and not "macaca?" You thought you were just lying through your teeth to try and save your ass, but you were actually creating a work of fiction.

You say "macaca" I say "lobster for dinner."

Now George, put down that noose you have hanging around your office. This is important. When someone writes a book of fiction, they make it all up - everything. In fact, many books actually have a little disclaimer at the very beginning where they say any similarity to living people is completely coincidental. They're telling you it's all bullshit.

So novelists sit and write fiction and none of it's true- zip, nada, nothing. They make up names, places, people, worlds. Anything in there, made up, not real, not true, fake, lies.

Here's what you should do. I understand your campaign manager has forbidden you from ever speaking again, so you should have some spare time.

Go drive to a library, and this time, actually go in. Ask where the fiction section is. Ask to see a Stephen King novel. (It'll be under K, ABCDEFGHIJK. I'm here to help George.)

Open to any page, someone will be getting murdered with, I don't know, the bumper of a '57 Chevy (fiction!)

Then ask yourself- did Stephen King actually kill someone with the bumper of a '57 Chevy? Did he? Or did he just make that up?

Now, I think you got it. But here's a handy little thing you can write down.

Actually calling someone a 'nigger' "non-fiction."

Making up a story about how you ended up at a dude ranch while Jim Webb was getting his ass shot at in Vietnam, fiction.

Hope this helps.

James