I missed episode two. How did I do that? They played two on the first night. I wasn't paying attention. I figured it was one episode per week. My bad. I get a dumbass award.
I am here, though, for episode three, which is occurring on week two. Wonderful episode three. Another chapter in the epic tale of the Fabulous Beekman Boys. Let's get into it. Let's get into it right away. As with my last recap, I'll be using a scale of one to five goats to indicate whether the events depicted on the show make it more or less likely for me to move out of New York to a farm of my own.
We learn that it is the weekend of Josh's 40th birthday. He's excited and hoping for a fun weekend. He finds out Brent has rented out the farm to a young couple for their wedding. They learned of the farm in an article in the New York Times. The idea of hosting a wedding at my house is horrifying. The idea of my house being written about in the New York Times is even more horrifying. One goat.
Josh is pissed. Rightfully so. I know Josh, and he likes his birthday. The idea that one's spouse would pimp out your house and not do anything for your 40th birthday, which is the birthday where you are officially kind of old, is not a good idea. One goat.
Josh and Brent's friends, Doug and Garth, come over for a birthday cocktail. Josh is still pissed, and sort of hostile, and Josh and Brent argue in front of their guests, who squirm a little bit. Not fun fighting with your spouse in front of guests. Not fun at all. Really, really not fun at all. One goat.
Brent is very concerned about the wedding plans. He makes sure everything on the farm is perfect, which it is. He goes so far as putting little ribbons around the necks of all the goats. The goats seem fairly indifferent, but Farmer John, the goats de facto Daddy, thinks it is a bit ridiculous. As I said, I would never want to rent out my pad for someone's wedding. No way would I dig having put ribbon's around my goat's necks for said wedding. One goat.
Brent can tell Josh is upset, and he knows he needs to make it up to him. Being farmers is hard, and there are all sorts of unpleasant chores involved. Brent offers to shovel the manure pile, which is one of Josh's chores. Josh is pleased, but still wishes he were having a birthday party. Good effort, Brent, very good effort. Four goats.
The wedding set-up is in full swing. Though they are technically not responsible for set-up, Josh and Brent start to help, which is very cool and kind of them, and I can attest to the fact that they are generally cool and kind. Josh gets stuck hauling kegs. It starts raining. The kegs are in a wheelbarrow. He moves them across a long distance and then has to set them on a table. Kegs are very heavy. It's his 40th birthday weekend. It looks really miserable. Not fun at all. After setting the keg in its proper place, Josh sits in the wheelbarrow for a rest. Brent offers to push him back to the house, but ends up dumping him in the mud. Josh gets mud in his eye. One goat.
Brent is very concerned about the farm looking good for the wedding. He enlists Josh in sprucing up the porta potty. Porta potties are always pretty foul, even if they've been spruced up. Josh covers this one in Hollyhocks, which is what was done to outhouses in Victorian times. My God. It's like a nightmare. If I were Josh. I'd be driving away. Driving away fast. One goat.
Brent makes a cocktail. He invents a cocktail. That's some serious Martha Stewart-style action. Real serious. I like the idea of inventing something, though I do not drink. Good effort, though. Three goats.
Josh and Brent get dressed up for the wedding. Although they are technically guests of it, they sort of have to hang around while it's going on to make sure their house doesn't get fucked up. After getting dressed up, they see the bride in their foyer. She looks great in her dress and seems very excited. They watch the wedding from a distance on their porch while watching to make sure shit doesn't get fucked up. They have a nice moment and share a kiss. Getting dressed up. One goat. Bride in my foyer, even though she's sweet and excited. Two goats. Watching a wedding because I'm worried my house might get fucked-up. One goat. Sweet kiss with my spouse. Five goats!!!!
Brent shovels massive piles of goat and cow manure while Josh stands and watches him and makes fun of him. Oh man, I can't think of anything I'd like less if I had a farm. Shoveling shit while my spouse makes fun of me. Fuck that. If I could go negative goats I would do it. But I can't. So I give it the finger and my lowest rating. One goat.
The wedding guests are gone, the shit is shoveled. Brent has a nice little surprise party for Josh, which is a great surprise after pretending all weekend that he wasn't going to do anything for his birthday. Josh gets a nice tiara and some sweet presents. Birthday parties and presents are a good thing, a great thing!!! Five goats.
Josh and Brent go back to the farm. Brent has made Josh a beautiful dining room table. He literally made it, which is really impressive. Aside from the thought that went into it, it took a huge amount of work. Brent goes from worst hubby in the world to best in two minutes. Five goats.
The table doesn't fit into the house. One goat.
Total number of categories: 14
Total number of goats: 30
Looks like I'm staying in the city.
James Frey is originally from Cleveland. He has written three books, and his work is published in 37 languages. He lives in New York.
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