Blowing Smoke
I just drove home from a team coaching meeting and feel like I need a detox bath. For about a mile I was next to or behind a car that sent so much blue smoke out of its exhaust pipe that I thought dancers and a magician would appear on a stage. The smell and toxicity only increased when the driver of this fog machine worked hard to pass me after I tried to leave him behind and my lungs filled with one long blast of smoke before I could shut the windows and put on the air conditioner. A beautiful Spring day polluted by a careless car owner.
I thought of the meeting I had just left and the participant in it who was showing up as a "but head." We were working on removing obstacles and creating breakthroughs and this one participant, no matter what the issue on the table was, started each statement with a "yeah but," "well, but," "we tried that but," to the point that my usually cool facilitator composure was punctured with a "NO more BUTS in any statements for the rest of the hour!" I made that statement to all of the participants in the room, but I intended my statement mainly for just one of them.
Putting the two incidents together, the oblivious polluter driving the Mazda and the "naysayer" in the seminar I began to think of the two as the same.
In the seminar, the group was having a breakthrough; breathing the fresh idea of a new possibility. Even though each of the participants is basically an independent entity and in a sense competing with each other, they'd finally gotten to the point where they realized that they could share best practices, compare strengths and weaknesses and encourage and challenge each other to hit their production goals. We had a frank talk about synergy, their reservations about sharing, the potential risks of collaboration, a volunteer panel was beginning to form and then, "But why should we share leads when . . . ?" But-ing in!
Well just as the Mazda owner was blowing putrid smoke on everyone around them, I thought, we have people spewing their gasses at us daily. Here are a few ways that happens . . .
"BUT" -- this is a word I could just as well do without. It stops more projects before they even hit the planning stage than it creates. A rule I heard once encouraged us to replace the word "but" with the word "and." It became a way to suggest better planning than a discouragement and road block.
"I'm not so sure" -- This is like a "but," only sneakier. "I understand what you're saying. I'm just not so sure I agree". Doesn't this sound like "I really disagree . . ."?
"Conventional wisdom (they) might disagree with that . . ." -- This gives someone a chance to cut your legs out from under you by citing some anonymous source that they seem to know very well, except 'their' actual names, specific articles or whitepapers, etc. It's usually used in a public setting, like a board meeting and can be hard to parry.
"I respectfully disagree . . . " -- Why? What is wrong with just disagreeing? Can't we just say, "Hey, I think you're wrong" and let's have a good old fashioned debate?
"Although . . ."-- Usually said in a sing-song tone, this type of "Although" is a variation of "But." Still sucks.
So now I put it out to all of you -- What are the words you use to "blow smoke" or pollute the clean air of meetings, seminars and gatherings of all types? How do you "but" your friends, co-workers and your own self? I'd love to hear some of your observations and offer a challenge.
Read on if you want to "play" along in this game.
The Challenge: Get one of those really colorful children's band aids and put it on your pinkie finger. The band aid is a reminder to be conscious of your language and speech throughout the day. Listen for the times that you are a subtle, partial or outright "but" in others' lives. "Awareness is key"; the challenge is to really be present to your own demeanor and words. See what you might learn about yourself and others by trying this for a few days or so.
I'd love to hear about what you discover. Leave a comment here or e-mail me at James@starofyourownlife.com
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James Lynch you've hit the nail on the head again! It always gets my back up when I hear people but-ing yet they never present facts or solid reasons to backup their intervention. I get impatient with these individuals who pay lip service to change yet constantly hinder progress with their buts.
In the milieu in which I used to work the worst was "I respectfully disagree" (hear gnashing of teeth) ... and I always wondered why both parties just couldn't say, I don't agree or I'm not sure but please bear with me while I work this out or something to show at least a glimmer of openness.
Interestingly though, I realized just this week and your experiment underlined the fact that I "but" myself constantly since I decided to tread a new path on my life journey. I understand the where and why of it yet it's fascinating all the same to read this article the day after my AHA moment ... synchronicity is in the air.
Keep up the good work man and thank you!
Catherinne
Catherinne,
Reading your comment is like getting a vitamin shot; I love your energy! Thanks for reading and responding. I have to say that this is a pet peeve of mine and your "I respectfully disagree" belongs on the list like "In my opinion" or "It's just my opinion, speaking for myself" etc.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
My next post is about 'STORIES' and it piggybacks on this one; I hope you'll like it. It will help you in the 'new journey' phase too!
See you here again,
James
Hi James,
It's always amazing to hear people argue for all the reasons why not rather than the reasons why xyz is possible. I call this "arguing for your limitations". We're trained to think this way and it's what keeps us small.
I hear that voice in me when I'm up against something that really challenges my ideas about who and what I think I'm capable of. When I'm pushing the envelope. But...... opps! AND, this is a good thing! Provided one can "catch" themselves in the process.
Thanks for the band aid idea to help us do just that. Now if I can just remember what I put the band aid on my finger for, I'll be in good shape.
Thanks for another great post!
Love,
Judith
Dr. J,
I just had this happen again today as someone was explaining what it is they REALLY want. They said what they wanted and then put the brakes on and . . . It really is frustrating because so many dreams get stopped that would really be wonderful. What a waste!
TT you later, James
James,
Another great post! Reminded me of an application I saw in the Apple application store the other day in the "Business" section. It's called, "Creativity Killers" and it is a list of 50 phrases that "but-heads" use to halt change. It's great to pull out at meetings and, right after they use one, show it to them on the iPhone and it just punctures their argument!
K-M
I'm on my way to look at it as soon as I stop typing! Thanks for the lead about 'Creativity Killers'. It is very similar to the 'story' we create and live into. Hmmmmm, maybe that's the next posting I should share . . .
Anne,
The 'buts' I hear in some team meetings are like pleas for help, and just as desperate. Unfortunately, once someone gets stuck in the 'but rut', it's a tough job to pull them back 'in the moment'. I really get a lot of good out of the bandaid method and hope to hear some great insights. Thanks for checking in on me,
James
See Anne Naylor's Profile
Hello James,
I understand what you are saying here. I probably "but" myself almost more than I but others which is really not smart. Mostly with others if I hear something that seems crazy to me I just listen unless I have a definite point of view to offer.
Underneath the buts, I hear fear - of change, of making a mistake, of being seen to be foolish. With a smoking car, go get it fixed!
Thank you for raising the awareness - I shall be more conscious of the naysayer in me!
Blessings to you,
Anne
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