I have to admit that I am particularly susceptible to people giving me advice or telling me what to do; it can rankle and rattle me and is a part of my 'story' (see What's Your Story). One key to knowing your story as a story is to identify and name what you're susceptible to, what pushes your buttons or sets you off and step outside of it as often as possible. As I say to all those I coach, 'Awareness is key'.
Once you've found out what pushes your buttons, like finding the source of a river, you can begin to manage it. You can also find out how it serves you and take advantage of the energy you get from it. Let me explain by putting myself in the 'witness box'.
I'm the 13th born in an Irish Catholic family of fourteen and I have 3 brothers and 10 sisters. Those are 'facts' in my story; but what I've made up, caused and created from that is where we're going today.
As the second to youngest, just about everyone in my family told me what to do. Everyone seemed to know better and constantly give me advice, comment on what I was doing (wrong) and always know better. As I grew older it went from irritating to maddening and I became resentful and solitary where my family was concerned.
I even geographically moved 'away from' where my family lived and even from what they believed. Thanks to some really great mentors, coaches and seminars I had a breakthrough moment in which I was able to see this 'negative' goal setting as a trend I was victim to. I realized that moving 'from' was a faulted model and that moving 'toward' was positive and would create me as 'me', not as a result or reaction to outside circumstances.
After that realization, rather late in life (but never too late), I was able to drop a lot of the weight of the past and move forward and create a really wonderful, fun and passionate story that really serves me now. I re-wrote my story and created the life I love in all aspects and still have a lot of room to grow in the future.
I realized that my resistance to being told what to do or to people making suggestions, offering advice, etc. was shutting me off from ideas that could be helpful. I was bristling at the offer of a "You know what you could do", "Here's what I think you should do", or "If I were you I would . . ." Once I got it that people were genuinely trying to help me I was able to accept input, create collaboration and invite partnership.
That shift in 'getting it' that I was still being a victim of the 13th child syndrome allowed me to step outside of it and see each offered suggestion or contribution as a 'working/not working' idea and weigh them on their merits, not solely through my personal prejudice.
At the time of this breakthrough I was also moving up fast in the corporate world and I was able to use this new sense of openness to take direction, take risks and accept mentoring when it was offered in the business milieu. I was also able to see that not wanting to be told what to do had a positive effect on me for years in that it always drove me to become the boss or manager (so I wouldn't have to be told what to do). I was able to see the positive, energy producing value out of this 'don't tell me what to do' childish attitude and, once I 'had it' versus it 'having me', I was free.
Hold on a minute: I'm not totally free. I'm working on it. That's why I'm writing it here and offering it to you. As another aspect of the 'story' model I am sharing this as a dialogue for all of you reading this. What are the circumstances that trigger you, that anger, shame or sadden you? Can you re-write them as a source of energy and drive and minimize (I don't know if you can ever get free of them completely) their automatic triggering effect enough to get them at least somewhat under control?
Can you trace back to any energy that is 'away from' and get in touch with your 'moving toward'? I hope you can and know that there are some pretty wonderful resources out there to help you. Please see my suggested resources and links.
By the way, I am celebrating my coaching materials around 'could/would/should' with a collection of paraphernalia that has a bit of irreverent fun with this: "Don't Should on Me" t-shirts, mugs, clothing and 'stuff'. I think you should visit the site.
Good luck to all of you in continuing to create the story of you as powerful, passionate contributors to your family, friends, co-workers and the world. This is a story we can create a happy ending for -- but why wait till the end? Let's start with now!
Follow James M. Lynch on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JamesLynchCoach
Your story really speaks to me. I started a "real job" recently my first one at that and just after working for myself. I had a really difficult time the first week and my "don't tell me what to do triggers" were going wild. I really felt like "What do you mean I can't do whatever I want to do when I want to do it?" This took a major attitude adjustment to get over.
In a very brief period of time I was able to completely shift and now I am finding that my job (in a cubicle, with a strict schedule, while tethered to my desk bc I work on the phone all day) is actually a great fit compared to the self regulated Pick Your Own Adventure that I had previously.
What worked for me was looking for ways the job created freedom and autonomy in other areas of my life. My business was no longer my source of financial fulfillment, so I could let it be whatever I wanted it to be. This is just one example. Knowing my triggers in advance and recognizing the silliness of it and being able to laugh at myself in the moment was a huge factor in why I was able to get over it and successfully transition.
thanks for your comment. Being able to create awareness and shift, as you describe, is a part of the journey to life mastery; Congratulations! You prevented your 'dark side' from sabotaging not only your job but other things that will come at you later. Its a great reminder for all of us; thanks for sharing it.
Feel free to visit www.starofyourownlife.com and try out any of the 50 plus pages of materials in hopes that there's more there that you'll find interesting. Maybe a 'don't should on me' coffee mug will help you stay 'in the zone'.
Good luck and keep me posted,
James.
But most of all ... 'hold on a minute' ... never falling into complacency and thinking we have it figured out once and for all.
Along comes somebody and pushes those buttons again and nope, we don't know it all just yet.
Thanks for taking the time to comment and I hope to see you next week too.
JAMES
Your personal story fits perfectly into Sulloway's 'Born to rebel', where he studies enormous amounts of historical evidence and material to support his thesis that laterborns are the more rebellious and less fond of authority (in fact often troubled by it).
I am a laterborn, too. But not exactly a 13th. OMG!
As the eldest of 5 siblings by 7 years I was always the boss. So of course there was a daily litany of shoulds etc. Yet at the same time I was always "different". I resentfully nursed this difference for all it was worth; moved to New York, then Switzerland very aware that I was trying to get away.
I don't like anyone telling me what to do either and my pugnacious attitude and biting tongue didn't win me any friends in the organisations where I used to work. I had set myself up constantly. Now I work for myself and my attitude is if you want to share something, we can discuss it if I think it's relevant.
I've come full circle. I recently reconnected with my family who have always accepted me as I am (I see that now) and for the rest, I decided a while back to live life on my terms. I am learning to love and respect myself now and I can see the difference in the contact I have with others.
I live in Switzerland and the Swiss have a permanent love affair with "rules", "must", "have to", "should" etc. so it's a perfect training ground for me to practise not getting hot under the collar all the time.
Keep up the good work man!
Good luck and thanks for visiting with me weekly,
James.
I know there are exceptions, but from growing up in an age when a family like mine- I was one of four children- was considered a small one, I soon realized that the more kids there were, the more problems there were.
Not enough time and energy for the parents to do anything but the day-to-day feeding and basic care, while the older siblings became surrogate parents with their own agendas.
Glad you moved "away" - both physically and psychologically...
Thanks for reading my posting and taking the time to comment.
James aka 'Lucky 13"