It's that time of year again. Children are reminded that Santa has a list that divides them all up into two categories: 'naughty' or 'nice'. That's it: pretty black and white. You're either naughty or you are nice but you can't be both. This month all across America, department store Santas are starting their (kind of creepy) lap sitting sessions with, 'Have you been a good little kiddy this year?'
Nice kids get the presents they deserve and naughty kids get a lump of coal. At least there was a time when coal was useful to heat house but let's face it; it will never be as good as a shiny new sled. So, to borrow the words of another seasonal character, "Humbug" on this whole 'naughty/nice' paradigm.
Children learn the good/bad world enough. We're told that certain behaviors are good, certain ones are bad; things are 'yuck' or 'yummy'; 'mean' or 'nice'; and then popular culture reinforces it. How many of us grew up thinking cowboys/good, Indians/bad? Black hat is a villain; white hat is a 'good guy'? That last one, by the way, gets incorporated into race issues too, as in 'black/bad', 'white/good' and, as Malcolm Gladwell points out in his book 'Blink', even a large percentage of African Americans have been indoctrinated to see 'black' as intrinsically bad.
Maybe if we could admit that there's more of a 'gray' world than black/white we'd be able to feel better about ourselves.
When kids get a little older they begin to see that maybe there is a bit more to the equation. They see movies with a little more subtlety, those that might look at those old stereotypes from the other side or that 'walk a mile in their moccasins'. Do you remember the first time you saw a movie where the Native American wasn't a 'savage soulless beast' as in 'the only good Indian is a dead Indian?' For that brief moment you have a shot at being able to understand that there are two sides to every situation, that it's not always polarity. Whether we profit from that brief moment is still up for grabs.
Women have an added layer of this indoctrination. As marriage age approaches many of those 'good little kiddies' hear from their mother, friends or sister the old "Men want a saint in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom". We're still on the 'naughty and nice' theme here, too, as sex is the ultimate 'naughty' behavior, isn't it? Women who have 'urges' that go past holding hands with a man they are dating want to do the 'nasty'. Or they are 'naughty or bad girls' as in 'Girls Gone Bad'; as if 'bad' is a trip you can't return from.
Maybe if we could keep the whole benevolent old man who gives presents model and get rid of the 'naughty or nice' list, we could grow up a little healthier. Maybe if we could admit that there's more of a 'gray' world than black/white we'd be able to feel better about ourselves. Maybe if we didn't think that we were either all one thing or the other we'd be able to give ourselves a bit of a break!
Let's face it, we're all imperfect and that imperfection as the way we were designed turns out to be perfect, doesn't it? Growing up with a two sided list convinces us, at least those of my generation as far as I can see, that if we weren't completely good, we were bad. Bad at heart, bad to the bone, bad, bad, bad . . . Kind of lights up your holiday smile, doesn't it?
It's only after a lot of years and a lot of time that I've personally been able to get over thinking that I was, intrinsically, utterly, and born-to-be, 'bad'. My wife, who is, by the way, whatever she wants to be as an authentic, guilt-free human being in the kitchen or in the bedroom has no guilt about it either way. She has always wondered at the origins of my not so sub-conscious core belief that, since I've done 'bad' things in my life, I must, deep in my 'being', be bad. She must have been trained wrong (thank goodness).
So for all of us who were eager to be 'good little kiddies', to be deserving of toys under the tree, to hope that Santa didn't see us when we were mean, selfish or lazy I say "Let's buy OURSELVES a shiny new sled; we deserve it". This isn't a call for us all to cheat, lie or steal, let's just rely on the training we got, the higher standards set by our community and our personal sense of right or wrong and realize that we are all, after all, just humans and we're all, every one of us, doing the best we can, day after day and that in itself is pretty good, isn't it?
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And by the way, one holiday idea that is 'good': 'Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards men'.
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- The bad girl didn't do what mummy said because it made no sense and "Because" was not a good answer;
- The lazy girl was dead on her feet after cleaning house, and took solace in reading in the little spare time she had, until all her books were burnt;
- The stingy girl eventually stopped protesting when all of her stuff was given to her younger siblings to keep the peace.
What's interesting is that my mother now tells people that I was always the "good" daughter and "never gave her any trouble". She doesn't talk about the brutal beatings which created the workhorse. And she would tell my sisters "why can't you be like your sister". But she's the lesson I needed to learn for my life journey, so it has served me well.
I have worked through most of these issues but the book burning has stayed. It's probably why I dislike labels of any kind, and my experiences have made me susceptible to the needs of young people. So I help where I can.
Christmas is humbug to me. I don't celebrate it. My only memories are working like a dog till 2AM, then being woken at 7 AM to "help" cook while everyone else is asleep. I'll pass. You and your family have a good one though James!
Thanks for this wise and timely
WOW! It sounds more like Dickens than real life but I can empathize a bit with what you say. I can say I have some great memories about Xmas but they're more about taking a day and making it special, about a feeling of peace and it wasn't so much the gift giving as the laughing and joy. I've since decided that the qualities of the day are what I want in my life, just not one day a year, and that's the work I do now. That's the energy under my book, my coaching sites, etc. and I could tell you the best Xmas I ever had wasn't really an Xmas. It was a day, like you said, where I was in service to others and created an event at a homeless shelter that made me feel connected to the whole universe all at once. I think we have that desire in common.
As to celebrating Christmas, I am now Jewish by choice but it has nothing to do with that day. I'll be lighting candles and spinning a top and we give a gift or two but it's more about spending time together.
But, for all of those who celebrate it, I wish them the best it has to offer, like we've all been discussing, and it isn't to be found under a tree.
Cheers, my friend,
James.
Are you saying that there is no absolute right or wrong? Or that we as humans stray from what we know is right and should forgive others and ourselves.
When does tolerance cross the line into appeasement?
I suppose I haven't slipped into the holiday spirit as yet.
I like the idea that love would be the motive behind every decision. I used to put a reminder above my office door with a thought that would help me be more receptive to my visitors like: "What would move this conversation forward" or "What does this person really need from me". I'd put it over the door and the funny part is most people thought I was looking up and thinking instead of using my 'cheat sheet'. I suppose if I could have written "How could I give love to this person" it might have been a good idea too. I'll keep that in mind.
As to there being no absolute right or wrong, I feel like you're trying to trip me up but I know better, don't I. All I'm saying is that we should let go of childish thoughts and grow up, grow on and grow more sophisticated in our world and self views. I occasionally feel like dodging my responsibilities and going to a movie matinee. Does that make me 'bad'? No. In fact, it makes me human and I'm enjoying my humanity and invite others to do the same.
Is that an answer to your comment?
Thanks for reading this, James
Thought provoking as usual. And it gets an inspiring tag because it gives a blog posting idea about "love."
Thanks for your support and kind words. I would love it if this 'made the rounds' and am glad we started with you. It's funny, but this has come up in my life in conversations with family and friends so I guess the timing is right.
'Joy to the World' isn't a bad idea either, come to think of it!
James.