I frequently hear about the walls women have put up these days when it comes to men. Women, as a whole, are more skeptical of men's intentions. They are generally more unapproachable. They are -- let's face it -- suspicious of men.
But there is another harsh reality we need to discuss when speaking about these issues: There is good reason for it. Women have not become more jaded or discouraged over time without a cause.
Women would not feel let down by men if men were not letting them down. They would not feel disappointed by men if men were not disappointing them. They would not feel like they need to pick up the slack if men were not leaving it behind.
While this may sting for the guys to read, real-life experiences speak for themselves.
So, what are the things men are doing that cause women to lock them out of their hearts?
1. You bring up sex too early on.
I've said it before and I'll say it again -- I think if two consenting adults are enjoying each other's company and both choose to spend the night together, then that is fantastic! No judgment passed.
But too often it is initiated without really gauging a woman's interest and the brakes immediately come on. How many men are out there just trying to be nice in order to get something they want from a woman? From this very woman you are out with? If you have any real, genuine interest in her, make sure she knows that your sights are not just set on one goal.
If a man is truly interested in a woman, the time frame matters less and less, because time together is what he is going for, regardless of what they're doing (or not doing).
When a woman feels as though you are just trying to use her or are being disingenuous, she will immediately lock you out. Women are getting tired of being played by the "bad boy," and are beginning to wonder where the good guys really are.
2. You call and/or text her too much.
There are a lot of men who figure that the harder they try, the more serious she will think he is. The reality of this is that there is such a thing as trying too hard and if she hasn't returned your call(s) or text(s) for awhile, you should probably cool your jets a bit.
Yes, people are often attached to their phones, but they also live busy lives and are sometimes maybe just not in the mood to talk to anyone. If you smother her too much she's going to see you as a stage five clinger and never let you get any further than you've already gotten. Sometimes the easiest way to lose someone is to want them too badly.
3. You don't give the relationship the attention it deserves.
Healthy relationships are not a part-time commitment. The woman you are with is not just another option or a way to pass your time, and she shouldn't be made to feel like she is.
When you are with her, be with her. When you are not with her, let her know you're thinking about her. A relationship is a team, and teams fall apart when one of the members doesn't pull their own weight.
She needs to know that you will be there for her during good times and during bad times. If you always seem to be just "sort of kind of" committed, she will eventually realize she is better off being single or finding someone who gives her what she needs.
4. You lack basic etiquette and manners.
Basic table manners and just common courtesies are seemingly more and more rare. Things as simple as texting during a date, being rude to the waiter/waitress/bartender, or any other act that shows your human decency could use a tune-up will have her heading for the hills.
5. You reveal secrets too soon.
We all have our quirks. Things that we do or enjoy that we probably wouldn't make public, and there is nothing wrong with that! In a relationship, you may even grow to love those things about each other.
But during the courtship process, bringing it up is probably not a good idea. How many women have you heard say "Are there just any normal guys left out there?" And, you might be one of those perfectly normal, kindhearted gentlemen... with sort of a weird interest that not many people know about.
Until she really gets to know you, keep those kinds of things under wraps so she will understand that it's just your quirk that might be a little weird, and not you as a person. If she finds out private things about you too early, you'll just be "that guy with that thing." Not a good look.
6. You try too hard to impress her.
Yeah, I know, you've got swag for days. A strong woman with class is not going to be impressed by your shiny watch, how much you make or what kind of car you drive. If you try to sell yourself too hard, she will see right through you and likely write you off as being arrogant. Confidence is a turn-on; arrogance is a turn-off.
If you want to go out on the weekends and pick up girls, then by all means lay all of your cards on the table. But the only possessions the right woman is going to care about are integrity, class and heart. How you will treat her is what matters, not what you can give her.
7. You lack confidence and wait too long to reveal your true intentions.
Arrogance is certainly not attractive, but neither is self-deprecation or a complete lack of self-esteem. If a woman thinks you are going to need constant reassurance 24 hours a day, you can bet she's going to step aside and let someone else give it to you. If you want a mature, confident woman in your life, you've got to understand that she wants to be an equal in a relationship, not a babysitter.
Often times guys are a little nervous about making a move or stating intent towards someone they care about because... what happens if she says no? Do we lose our friendship? Is it awkward now? And then... they just never do it.
When we perpetuate this bad habit but remain friends with the woman we are interested in, she will eventually see us as a platonic pillar in her life who she can come to with guy problems and spend nights on the couch with eating ice cream and drinking wine. Now, this might not seem all that bad -- but when you are the man in this situation and have a burning desire to be intimate with this woman, it is torture.
A good man can still be "nice" but make his intentions known. Whether it is small compliments to gauge how she reacts, putting your hand on her arm to see if she mirrors your body language, or just stepping up to ask her on a date -- women are not mindreaders any more than you are. You've gotta risk it to get the biscuit, my friend -- and you don't have to be an outlaw rebel biker in order to do it. Good men get girlfriends, too.
Have the courage to step up, and if she turns you down, at least you know where you stand with her before you become too emotionally invested.
The more effort you put into learning about women, particularly the one in your life, the more likely you are to be in tune with her feelings, emotions, likes and dislikes. This will of course lead to a smoother, happier relationship because you can anticipate her wants and needs in order to act on them. You don't need to be a mind reader, you just need to put in a little effort.
This article originally appeared on JamesMSama.com.
Get top stories and blog posts emailed to me each day. Newsletters may offer personalized content or advertisements. Learn more