12/05/2012 06:42 pm ET Updated Feb 04, 2013

Holiday Retailers Discover Lost Materialistic Sayings of Jesus


In an announcement that many sources are calling "vaguely opportunistic," a large consortium of retail organizations, after commissioning a controversial archeological dig in an unnamed desert, have claimed to be in the possession of ten never-before-seen inspirational messages from Jesus Christ. What the retailers say makes these messages unique, however, is that they not only depict the great spiritual leader anticipating the celebration of a holiday commemorating his birth, but also imparting wisdom designed to encourage people to express their devotion to him by engaging in rampant consumerism.

As translated below, the tablets on which the sayings appear have not yet been authenticated by independent analysts, but if they are real, they could very well ensure that we will have many more consumer-driven holidays to come. Just as Jesus would have wanted it.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the Web can be found here.