04/10/2012 05:35 pm ET | Updated Jun 10, 2012

New Celebrity Douchebag Tax Could End U.S. Budget Deficit


As Americans prepare for another looming tax deadline, Congress has pushed through 11th-hour legislation that will add a retroactive douchebag tax onto celebrity tax returns starting immediately.

"The douchebag tax will not only apply to the previous tax year," explains Connor Flaherty, a Miami Beach tax attorney. "But even acts of douchebaggery in which celebrities have been engaged so far in 2012 will be taxed."

"It was Rush Limbaugh that give us the idea," said a source close to the president. "And yes, it is unprecedented to tax someone into the current year. But when we saw the mess that douchebag got into, we knew we were sitting on a douchebag tax goldmine."

There are even plans to assess Limbaugh's past incidents of douchebaggery, going back to the beginning of his career. If this occurs, the tax due by the talk show host could make a sizable dent in the roughly $16 trillion the nation needs to get back on track.

Celebrity expert Burt Knowles says that, "Kim Kardashian, Donald Trump and Lindsay Lohan will be huge factors in bailing out this great country. And with the increasing transparency and exposure afforded celebrities with Twitter accounts, it's easier than ever to track their douchebag-like statements and activities," said Knowles, citing Gilbert Gottfried's ill-timed tweet of 2011, which itself is putting millions into U.S. coffers.

Knowles added that even if the government began a douchebag tax at $3000 dollars per misguided tweet, we could "start showing a surplus in a heartbeat."

Much to the chagrin of most Americans, since the IRS is a federal government agency, they do not have current plans to extend the douchebag tax to Republican presidential candidates.

"Damn. If you made douchebaggery taxable going back to those first rounds of Republican debates," said the anonymous source, "we probably would have made the $16 trillion without even needing Rush Limbaugh."

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.