THE BLOG

11 Things I Am Thankful For

11/19/2013 12:46 pm ET | Updated Jan 23, 2014

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It's that time of year when we gather with those dear to us and go around the table sharing the things for which we are most thankful. Of course, being asked to go around the table and share the things for which you are most thankful is butt-puckeringly awkward at best. So, this year, I'll just bring this handy gratitude list and pass it around. I hope you will decide to do the same thing with your own lists of those things for which you are most grateful. Hey, everyone around the table is staring down into their smartphones anyway, so why not give them something else interesting to read?

ELEVEN THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR

  1. Good health.
  2. The failing health of my competitors.
  3. Children. Because children truly are our teachers. And, much like real teachers, we don't pay them anything.
  4. Football. The drama of life, reenacted on the playing field. And by drama of life, I mean slowly advancing yard by yard while people kick the living sh*t out of you.
  5. My Family. A constant reminder of why I understand football metaphors.
  6. The seasons. Lest we get too caught up in the thrall of our ambitions, the seasons bring a happy reminder from the universe that life itself begins in the promise of springtime and ends in a cold, barren death.
  7. People whose opinions are different from mine. They help me to learn that when I say magnanimous things about how much I value people whose opinions are different from mine that I am actually lying.
  8. Corporations. Since they are now people, they may also one day turn into zombies, at which point we may be called upon to cleave their skulls in two with an entrenching tool.
  9. All the wonderful and generous mentors I have had in my life. I hope they do not feel badly about how I have surpassed them in every way.
  10. The selfless love we get from our pets. It's the least they could do after entrusting us with their bowel movements.
  11. Food, clothing and shelter. Because, really, with these necessities taken care of, what else can we possibly need?

(11a. High speed Internet
11b. Some kind of handheld wireless device.
11c. A flat screen TV.
11d. With HD of course.
11e. Seriously, once you watch football in HD, forget it.
11f. It's like, weird, it's like even sharper than real life.
11g. So, yeah, one of those.
11h. Oh, and a really good wine aerator.
11i. Maybe a big globe for the office.
11j. All the James Bond movies on Blu-Ray.
11k. That device that lets you warm up the car while you're still in the house.)

More of James Napoli's comedy content for the web can be found here.