Listen. There is only one way a person wants to spell Michelle, and that's Michelle. Two l's, thank you very much. Even the Beatles knew that, and not only weren't they American, they were speaking French in half that damn song. Plus, nobody in their right mind would think to put a second n on the end of Bachman. Stephen King, a great American, didn't do it when he wrote the Bachman books, did he? If one of the most talented writers, let alone richest men in the world, can dispense with a completely unnecessary n, then that's good enough for me. Are you hearing this, Michele Bachmann? It's two l's and one n, not the other way around. Why, even your own supporters feel this way, as you can see from this photo:
There have already been hundreds of thousands of misspellings of Michele Bachmann's name in blog posts and tweets, and if she should secure the Republican Party nomination, that number can only increase. Do we really want our nation to spend four or more years confused by a woman who doesn't have the decency to spell her name the way we, as God-fearing Americans, expect it to be spelled?
No less an authority than Wikipedia defines Un-American as "applied to people or institutions in the United States seen as deviating from U.S. norms." Well, citizens, it doesn't get much more deviant than spelling Michelle with one freaking l. If it were up to me, I would introduce legislation to stop people with unconventional spellings of their names from marrying each other, and certainly from trying to form labor unions. And people with missing or extraneous letters in their names can forget about Social Security, Medicare and being thrown any kind of life raft while they're floating away during an act of nature caused by severe climate change. At least as far as I'm concerned.
Now, I'm no nameist, but how many botched versions of this woman's name must have already found their way into the documents of the Minnesota congressional district she represents? And we can safely assume that Tea Party members screw up the spelling of her name on a daily basis. Why would she do this to her own people and, potentially, to the entire U.S. -- and maybe even world -- population? Why lead so many people into the path of potential typographical danger when she could easily have just toed the line and spelled her name the way every other decent, proud, considerate American would?
Michele Bachmann, has flagrantly, and needlessly, messed with the natural inclinations of her people. As soon as she reached adulthood, she should have legally added another l to her first name, knowing everybody would want to spell it that way anyway. And then, once she got married, she should have forced her husband to spell his name the right way, the American way, too. It's the only decent thing to do if one is planning on a career in the populist arena of politics.
If Michele Bachmann is capable of such unbridled disregard for making things easy on her fellow Americans, how many other curve balls might she be capable of throwing us from the Oval Office? A crapload is my guess.
And don't come at me with how many people must have been confused at first by the correct spelling of Barack Obama. That's totally different. Dude has a weird-ass name to begin with, so nobody had any preconceived notions about how to spell it. There, see? Got ya, didn't I? And if I didn't, well, you know how this works. Even if I'm wrong, I never back down. That much I learned from a certain woman who insists on misspelling her name.
James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the web can be found here.