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WikiLeaks: U.S. Government More Distraught About Netflix Restructuring Than Plight of Working Poor

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Revelations from the WikiLeaks cables continue to surface, and newly-uncovered information seems to provide irrefutable proof of what many American citizens have long suspected: that nobody in the U.S. government gives two royal craps about anyone they claim to represent.

Transcribed by an unnamed diplomatic figure in conversation with an also unidentified "pretty freaking high ranking cabinet member," if this exchange is proven true, it would carry a startling implication. Namely that the American government has prioritized the needs of its citizens somewhere below its annoyance at the upcoming changes in the Netflix rental agreement.

Diplomat X: Mr. XXXXX, I can't help but feel a disconnect between those in power in the states and those who are trying their best to scrape by in this economy. The middle class is disappearing; many of them are going into massive credit card debt simply to pay for necessities like food and shelter, and meanwhile many of the richest Americans are hanging onto an "I've got mine" mentality that seems to blame the poor for falling on hard times. In fact, Senator Bernie Sanders addressed these frustrations recently rather eloquently. Aren't you bothered by this?

White House official X: I'll tell you what I'm bothered by. Netflix is offering this lower monthly rate if you choose only to watch the movies they stream to your computer. But, damn it, that leaves a whole lot of other titles that aren't available that way. If you want the full catalogue, you've got to pay more than you were paying before. Sure, you can save some coin if you just watch the streaming titles, but it's like they're just preparing you for the day when they put the whole catalogue online and then they'll jack up the price again!

D.X.: I can see how that would be irritating.

W.H.O.X.: You have no idea what we put up with in America. These damned entertainment outlets get you hooked, and then they change everything up. It's like trying to find the same thing twice at Trader Joe's.

D.X.: It seems to me that this 'I've got mine' mentality could not have been very influential in shaping America's incredible post-World War II prosperity. Haven't we lost the true idealism of that period, when there was a certain expectation that moneyed individuals could contribute to the welfare of everyone?

W.H.O.X.: When you talk about the mentality of the average working American, you've got to talk about what happens to your mind when you get busy and you forget what movie is next in your Netflix queue. Next thing you know, some stinker like The Bounty Hunter shows up in your mailbox because Gerard Butler's in it and you made a mistake and clicked on that part where it says 'if you liked this, you may also like' while you were adding 300 to your queue. Pain in the ass!

D.X.: Congressman Alan Grayson recently pointed out an irony, which is that some of the wealthiest members of the Republican Party, like Palin, Limbaugh and Beck, are the ones who don't want the tax cuts because they are richer than any of their supporters could ever hope to be. And yet they claim to represent common Americans in their ideological diatribes. Isn't it time somebody stood up and said that in a country of over three hundred million people, it's impossible for everyone to be rich, and that we all need to start helping each other?

W.H.O.X.: You know what would help people? If the watch instantly movies gave you some more menu options! I mean, suppose it's a Criterion Edition and you want to hear the commentary track? No can do if it's streaming on your computer! Just another way they bone us with this lower-rate-for-online-only deal. I tell you, it's a conspiracy. A damn conspiracy.

D.X.: Do you speak for the entire U.S. government?

W.H.O.X.: Buddy, this Netflix fiasco is all me and my buddies in the cabinet have been talking about for weeks.

D.X.: I think we're done here.

W.H.O.X.: Hey. I decide when we're done. Are you rich?

D.X.: Not very.

W.H.O.X.: We're done.

James Napoli is an author and humorist. More of his comedy content for the Web can be seen here.