Ever been through a major change or transition and noticed that some of your relationships suffered? Me too. I am angrier with my kids, forget to call people back, and become a bit selfish.
Change can be magical and freeing, but we often negatively affect our close friends and family the most during these times - whether we mean to or not. They are close to us in spirit and proximity, meaning they directly experience the reactions from our internal strife.
I recently went through a major career change, and it put me into a state of complete angst. It kept me awake at night, and my hubby had heard enough about it to ship me off to "Narcissists Anonymous." I found charming ways to act inappropriately to both him and my kids due to being more cranky, more reactive, and focused on my own happiness.
But it's my responsibility to own my actions and behavior, instead of expecting others to take ownership of it. We might not be able to behave perfectly all the time, but the least we can do is take responsibility for our behavior.
And even if we do 'own it' by apologizing for those inappropriate reactions, how can we avoid over-reacting in the first place?
In the wake of my recent transition, I wanted to share 5 things you can do to help you make it through your next big 'shift' with minimal damage:
Dig Deep Into Yourself
Whether it is meditation, journaling, walking alone, jogging, or laying alone in silence - set aside time to look internally to discover where the stress or judgement might be coming from. You might find out it's coming from somewhere you never expected, but there is a good chance it's coming from a place of fear. That's ok - recognizing and understanding your fear it is the first step.
Get Real With Your Fears
The best advice I received during my recent decision was to "walk into the fear." Acknowledging fear is one thing, but actually diving in and exploring the true root and meaning of the fear is another. I did some journaling about it and really tried to figure out why I was so afraid and what the true "worst outcomes" of my decisions would look like. It was scary yet liberating, and the process seemed easier from there.
Seek Counsel
Meet with colleagues over coffee, friends over wine, or an accountability partner on a walk. Be open and honest with your spouse and partner, and see if they have any helpful guidance for you. Expose yourself as vulnerable and unsure, and lay out the details. Ask for input, listen to others' opinions, and let yourself be open to different ideas. I met with over 5 different people over a few months, and each person somehow "unlocked" part of the puzzle for me.
Admit You Are Not Your Best Self
The amount of energy we use before and during a transition can be exhausting. One of the best things you can do is to realize that you are not going to be your "top notch self" during this transition - to both yourself and loved ones. I made the mistake of thinking I could still be my effective self. WRONG. I started dropping balls and canceling plans because I was unable to move at my regular pace. Being exhausted is normal, so plan for it. (Martha Beck has a great explanation of what happens to us during these times of "metamorphosis;" read a quick overview here.)
Remind Yourself of The Why
What is REALLY driving you to make the decision with which you are struggling? Is it money, your identity, your family, ego, challenge, frustration, needing more meaning, independence, status, happiness? I thought my reason revolved around business success, but my hubby and a colleague were the first to make me realize it was not. What is your WHY? You might need someone else to pull this out of you, and that's ok. You are already talking to other people, right?
I realize these steps include a lot of tough, internal reflection. That is extremely hard to prioritize and create these days, but it is worth the effort. The more time you can really spend deeply examining yourself during these transitions, the better you will be for yourself, your family, and your community.
You never know - it might even result in one less angry outburst you have to apologize for in the future.