Open Letter to Andy Samberg on His Hosting Gig

Dear Andy,

As a fan of yours, I wanted to say how psyched I was to hear you would be hosting the MTV Movie Awards in May! The last time I watched was when Jimmy Fallon hosted, which, ironically, was the gig that got you, Jorma Taccone and Akiva Shaffer on the writing staff at Saturday Night Live. I wonder if you ever just sit back, the three of you, and embrace how awesome that has got to feel. And now, all these years later, you -- Andy Samberg -- are hosting! You're also in I Love You, Man, being released this Friday, and Incredibad has been a success after its release last month. You've also revolutionized Saturday Night Live with your Digital Shorts. Now, you're going to carry a show, pretty much on your own! You're on your way to becoming Huge.

I hope this means you're not going to become a dick. I've seen interviews with you, and you seem like a real sweetheart of a guy.

So, I was thinking of a few things that, as a fan and a comedy writer, I would really like to see on the MTV Movie Awards. Some may see this as a desperate attempt to pitch things, and, well, I'm not gonna lie -- it is. But I'm okay with that.

Your strongest suit is playing cocky and then being humbled. Your fellow man can relate, and it makes ladies want to hug you. Now that you're on the Brink of Huge, I would go with that. Do something awesome and then projectile vomit. A few times. The last time, you can man up and hold back. But this is a big deal, and if you're way too awesome off the bat, people will resent the hell out of you. I'm guessing Watchmen will be huge at these awards. I think Dr. Manhattan should take you on some sort of tour of the universe and everywhere you go, you puke, just like Silk Spectre did, but a lot more. Not her little girly spew, but a massive, convulsive, vomitocious event. Two or three of them.

Then when he transports you onto the stage to start the show, you just gag a little. No puking in front of a live audience, especially since you should really start with a "Jizz in my Pants"-caliber opening, and the cleanup would be dangerous and distracting. However, don't do "Jizz in my Pants." You are so original and come up with things I could never think of, so show us what else is up your sleeve.

People will want to see Timberlake. Even if all you do is share a longing glance from across the stage, it's enough of a payoff. I, personally, would prefer to see more of the Lonely Island onstage, but that's just me. I have no doubt that you guys can come up with some wicked shorts featuring all the illustrious people you'll be meeting. By the way, make them look not-as-illustrious.

Tell everyone during one segment that you have a live Twitter feed -- connected directly to your brain. Accidentally Tweet things you didn't want to share. Then introduce Ben Stiller. Come back later and say it's fixed, and Tweet about all the awesome things, people, drugs you're doing. Oops, it's Robert Pattinson's feed. Introduce Robert Pattinson.

I'm sure that you will be working with an amazing staff of writers, including Jorm and Keev, but I couldn't resist writing this. It's such a huge deal for you, and on behalf of your fans, we're so thrilled. Next stop is clearly the Oscars. Then you're going to go international. Interplanetary. Intergalactic. You'll host an awards show from Jupiter, the broadcast of which will not reach Earth for like 200 years. So feel free to screw that one up. But not this one. No pressure! We love you!

Don't forget to thank the audience and then close with "Jizz in my Pants."

Cheers!
Jamie Frevele

Comments

[OtayPanky]

Open letters are the best.

[sugarwoman]

Go Andy. We all love you so much.

[Katie Wian]

This is great. I thought the Twitter bit was hilarious. I know he is going to be amazing.

[benjamin1345]

This is shockingly creepy, in my opinion.

[kurtlockwood]

While I find some of Jamie's bits actually pretty funny (like Robert Pattinson/Twitter), others I did not (sorry, Jamie, I know it's on MTV but the excessive puking idea is just really dumb and not funny).

Anyway, about the pandering here? "Admitted pandering," is still pandering, nonetheless so I'd be inclined to agree with benjamin1345 - this blog comes off as a bit desperate in a sad way and yes, oddly creepy in a SwimFan-y kinda way. I'm sure you were just trying to be clever, though.