Too Awesome for Everything

12/02/2009 10:17 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I read (and comment) on Gawker on an crackishly regular basis. I'm also inexplicably drawn to the word "awesome" when it appears in a headline as well as backhanded compliments. So there was no way I wasn't reading "Google Rejects Awesome People So It Doesn't Hog All of Them."

Apparently, Google VP Bradley Horowitz doesn't want his company to hire some really talented unemployed people because they "are actually important to have outside of Google...[It's] important that we not hire these guys. It's better for the ecosystem to have an honest industry, as opposed to aggregating all this talent at Google." Ryan Tate writes on Gawker that Google is "turning down job prospects for being too awesome."

Well, that explains everything.

Clearly the reason I can't find a better paying job in my chosen field is because if given the opportunity, money, and happiness, the amount of awesome that would be unleashed would be too much awesome to handle. It's not my scattershot, "Jack of All Trades, Master of Nothing" resume - it's the boiling cauldron of awesome. It threatens people. It scares people.

Better I'm not hired so all that awesome can remain all pent up and sequestered on Long Island, where any amount of awesome is sucked right into the dirt and consumed by the ultragravity that will keep me here until I die. This greedyass island needs all the awesome it can hold onto because it is so lacking and awesomeless. That's the real reason I haven't left yet. Long Island needs my awesome.

It's also why I have so much trouble dating. Yup - way too awesome for that too. Why am I really still single? Because I just can't find anyone who 1. can compete with so much awesome and 2. can meet the same degree of awesome that I have to offer. I could ugly up, dumb down, surrender all the creativity and talent I've cultivated over the years. But seriously, it's really hard to stifle all this awesome. So I remain single. Awesomely single.

But all of my own amazing awesomeness aside, this explains so much about what's happening in pop culture and politics. This is why they're making a second Chipmunks movie and not something awesome. Because Hollywood doesn't want to get too awesome, or else people will start having expectations that it will never be able to live up to. Look at what happens to some Oscar winners - they reach their awesome peak then wittle it all away. Or do they? Maybe they just know they won't ever be that awesome again. Why did Sarah Palin really quit as governor? Because if she'd finished out her term, she would have been an awesome candidate for president in 2012. Guys - Sarah Palin spared us her awesome. We should really thank her.

But ending war, curing cancer and AIDS, stopping corruption and crime - it would make for an awesome world. Too awesome. And in such a world, awesome bitches like me would have nothing left to be sarcastic about.