06/26/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Liberal Military Is At It Again

There they go again. When will those beatnik hippies let the real men deal with our national defense!? When will Johnny Camouflage step out of the way and let the bureaucrats in Washington get some?! Put down the didgeridoo and peace pipe hippy! *

Hey Petraeus! I'm talking to you. Are you too high to realize when someone is talking to you? Look over there! It's the Phish reunion tour being attended by Sean Penn! Do I have your attention now? Disgusting.

So you think just because you're the commander of U.S Central Command recipient of the National Defense Industrial Association's Eisenhower Award, the No Greater Sacrifice Freedom Award, the Atlantic Council of the United States' Military Leadership Award, and the Congressional Medal of Honor Society's Distinguished Citizen Award, you can tell us, the pundits, what you should and shouldn't do on the battlefield?! Central Command? More like Central Russian command! (Up high!)

Don't torture? Close Guantanamo? What kind of evidence are you basing this on? What kind of experience? Do you know what me and my Washington buddies have to do every day? Do you understand the trenches we endure? Try rush hour commutes in Washington D.C to my air-conditioned office that (to be honest) I don't see much because I work from home. Try that on for size. Oh sorry, they don't come in size traitor!

Where in all those shiny medals of yours is the medal that says Captain of Torture? I'm sure you're going to tell me that torture doesn't work, and that you have talked to interrogators that say it produces false leads, wastes times, and makes us more hated, right? Well you, sir, need to start listening to more talk radio! They get the real facts from sources so secret it sounds like they're just making this shit up.

Have you ever tortured anyone? No. But you're saying we shouldn't do it? I know about torture, sir! I have to read Maureen Dowd every Wednesday to make sure we are not writing on the same topic! I shudder just to think about it.

You may think you know about law enfourcment but do you know how many Mystery/Thriller novels I have read?! Forty-three! And I almost solve the crime every time!

Did Obama give you some kind of mind-altering drug? I know about those things. Not from my CIA training, but from the time I watched season one of Lost when Locke gives Boone a hallucinogenic to help him find his way.

You military men are all the same. Always out there with your Amy Goodman's and your Glenn Greenwalds, protesting, and marching. Well, the '60s are over! I don't know if you heard but we are post-9/11. There was no 9/11 before the Constitution.

General Garcia, when you and your "army" decide to man-up and do something for your country like us pundits, I'll take your "advice" on war. But until then, why don't you and your tie dye bunch of merry men go light another joint and dump red paint on someone's fur coat. (That's what hippies do, right? I didn't really research that either...Maybe I can cut and paste something from Talking Points...)

*In case of confusion this was satire.

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