05/31/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Masks for Sale

As I travel to Ohio on my first airplane trip during this flu crisis, I am immediately taken with the advertising possibilities. As a brilliant self-promoter, after all, I am the walking advertisement for good digestive health as the Activia Lady. I realize there is a mountain of money to be made on selling your mask space to the highest bidder. It's a white rectangle, so boring that I wonder, "How long before Pepsi, Nike, and Pepsi have their logos blazoned across germ masks around the world?" I wouldn't be surprised if even Chanel makes its own, with the interlocking reversed C's -- at a premium, of course. Then, there would be the knockoff ones that would get sold on the streets of New York -- and then the people arrested for selling the fakes. Revenue everywhere.

The obvious organization to brand face masks would be drug companies anxious to sell the very medicines that could save you -- but that is so predictable. Far better would be food, fashion and entertainment. A giant 24 emblazoned on your mask. College campuses might benefit. State governments might promote tourism: "Round on the outside, HI in the middle O-HI-O." Wouldn't you pay attention if you saw Madonna dong the splits, again, on a mask? I did love the photo on some website of Speidiho or whatever the f*#% their names are, walking down the beach in Mexico, on their honeymoon, wearing bikinis and masks. The beach. Outside. At least they could have put the name of their show, do they have one? on their masks. I mean they do seem to really need more publicity.

I'm not going to lie to you. Traveling, once a fun pleasure, has now become just plain, excuse the pun, scary. The security screenings, terror potentiality everywhere, see my previous blog: "I have a terrorist's mind." Now we have to contend with germ air/warfare! A man sneezed in the coffee line at LAX this morning and the entire hallway of thousands of travelers turned and stopped, like those old E. F. Hutton ads, and glared at the poor, allergic-to-the-airport-smell guy. I have flown with obviously sick people who have the audacity to tell me that they are "allergic" with green snot and a death rattling cough and a face redder than Danny Bonaduce. I have pointed my fan/air blower toward them to deflect back their germs. Wiped the bathroom door with essential oils, washed my hands in hot soapy water and covered every entry point on my body with Purell, but really, can we stop from getting sick?

I only hope we can trust our government and news agencies to give us accurate assessments. We need to realize every day, not just in flu season, that we are humans, that we are strong and fragile. That we walk in grace every healthy day of our lives.