I don't consider myself an investigative journalist, but I've stumbled upon a scandal whose fallout may make your teeth rattle.
Al Gore is on the take.
Sure, he seems like a good guy, trying to save the world and all that. But going green is a dirty business, as my sleuthing will show.
Tripped up by dental floss. That's a tough way to go down.
Now, I don't have anything against dental floss, per se. It allegedly helps my teeth and gums (although there's evidence suggesting that less invasive methods work equally well). And when a woman flosses in front of me, I know I'm in a "relationship," so that's helpful, too.
After flossing this morning (please don't tell my dentist I forgot last night), I did my daily "stoop and weave" - trying to get the used floss into the tiny bathroom trash can in one clean shot. It's like boxing a midget. Or would it be a dwarf? Regardless, I find it quite difficult to dispense with the floss when I'm done.
Which raised the question: why can't we just flush the floss like we would a baby alligator with which we've grown bored? Unfortunately, as my ex-next-door neighbors odoriferously discovered last year, doing so can clog up pipes (and, PETA protests, potentially harm giant alligators roaming our sewer systems).
So, we're left to throw floss in the trash.
And Al Gore is cool with that?
Dental floss is not biodegradable. I'd never considered its ease of decay before this morning. But, pulling the sinewy string taut between my hands, I realized that President George W. Bush could hang Attorney General Alberto Gonzales from the roof of DOJ building with just three feet of the stuff.
Plastic grocery bags are practically cotton candy compared to dental floss. I don't even want to think about the long term impact of mama birds building nests made of floss. Yet Mr. Gore said nothing about this threat in his Oscar-winning call to arms, "An Inconvenient Truth." Could there be a different kind of green behind this omission?
It didn't take me long to follow the, er, paper trail. Glide Dental Floss was invented by...W.L Gore & Associates, Inc. Are you kidding me? I mean, at least Halliburton creates faux-subsidiaries to try and disguise its shady dealings. The former Vice President, on the other hand, flaunts his Dental-Industrial complex gains.
Dental floss is a cavity in the earth's mouth...and Al Gore is smiling all the way to the bank.