USA Today's revelation that the NSA has compiled a vast database of "ordinary American's" phone calls raises some interesting questions about an extraordinary American and his handling of the War on Terror. Chief among them, does President Bush have a cell phone? If he does, are his calls listed in the illegal database?
I ask these tough queries in light of recent developments regarding President Charles Logan, Jack Bauer's nemesis on "24." After all, if the most powerful man in the world's cell calls are being logged, it doesn't matter that Chloe allowed Miles to erase the tape with Logan and Robocop conversing about David Palmer's assassination, since the Attorney General can simply order the NSA to turn over the record of Logan's calls, thereby proving his guilt.
For many hours today, it looked like the Vice President was behind the Bierko plot, which was easy to believe considering the Veep once killed Laura Palmer (no relation to the former president). But we haven't seen the Vice President in three or four hours, ever since we learned President Logan is our bad guy.
How does a President get a cell phone, anyway? I mean, he can't even leave the house by himself. Perhaps, like the rest of us, he received an insidious pop-up from Cingular every time he typed the word "call" in an email, and finally clicked on the "buy now" button. Or maybe his crazy like a fox wife Martha signed him up for the Friends and Family plan, which he then shared with the all-knowing bald bad guy who has coordinated all of today's events while holding a glass of scotch in a hand that is remarkably functional considering his arm was chopped off by a helicopter on "ER."
Regardless of how President Logan obtained his cell phone, he - like Jack Bauer - has an unbelievable plan. Apparently, rather than wield it's unsurpassed purchasing power to secure fair prices from the pharmaceutical industry, the government used its leverage to land a great deal with the cellular companies. Logan and Jack definitely don't have Nextel. These guys get reception I couldn't get if I pulled a King Kong on top of the Nextel headquarters building. Last hour, the president made a call from inside an underground parking lot! My signal gets interrupted if I walk past a woman with an iPod, yet Jack gets perfect reception deep inside CTU, despite its hundreds of gadgets, systems, etc.
Come to think of it, everybody gets perfect reception inside CTU. This is important, though, when you want to ensure continuous communication capabilities for all of your moles. I'm no security expert, but here's an idea: Ban cell phone conversations in CTU! That way, you can trace all calls coming in and out, which just might cut down on fatal leaks. "Uh, sir. It seems Nina Meyers just made her fourth call of the day to a...Bin Laden, Osama. Would you like me to follow up?"
Alas, security isn't a strong suit inside or outside the Los Angeles Counter Terrorist Unit. (btw, how long before CBS comes out with CTU:NYC?) When on maneuvers in the Army, I was taught to exercise "noise and light discipline," loosely defined as, "Don't turn on flashlights or make loud sounds when near bad guys." Jack seems to have forgotten this lesson since his days in the Special Forces.
Dude, they invented the "vibrate" mode on cell phones for a reason! How many times have we seen Jack creeping along right outside the villain's hideout only to have some dweeb at CTU call to see if Agent Bauer wants to kick in $5 for a baby shower gift? I realize that the TV show's "writers" - if you believe it isn't real, that is - might be forced to let his mobile ring to alert viewers to the fact that he has an incoming call. Something tells me, though, America will put two and two together if Jack stops what he's doing, unclips the phone (btw, not even Jack F'ing Bauer can look cool with the cell phone holster), makes the This really isn't a good time! face and says, "This is Jack." I think people will then realize, "Oh, he got a call. Must have it on vibrate."
And the guy's phone never runs out of power, either. At least in Days One and Two Jack spent a lot of time in his subtly product-placed Ford Excursion, providing him with the opportunity to plug his mobile into the lighter. But today, our hero hasn't recharged in seventeen hours. Come to think of it, Jack Bauer's cell phone may hold the key to solving the energy crisis. Exxon is undoubtedly working feverishly to have him whacked.
As is the nefarious President Charles Logan. Two hours ago he sent a text message to the soon-to-be-dead Miles. This amazed me, since Logan looks to be the same age as my dad, who doesn't even know how to check his cell phone's voice mail. Is it even possible President Bush knows how to text someone?
I'm sure we'll find out when the NSA opens its database.