Most days there is no sun but there is still a shadow there, a shadow that follows me around, I can see it out of the corner of my eye, some days it's further away, others it's all-consuming -- the shadow is a metaphor for the struggle that is depression as you may have picked up.
Having worked in welfare and social security for almost 10 years now, I've been around anxiety and depression quite a lot, and it has been an interesting experience going from being someone who is the shoulder to being someone who needs the shoulder let me tell you. It's nothing to have a five-minute interaction with a person at work whilst recording their medical condition on their record and not even bat an eye lid at what may be going through their mind, to not even consider how much of an effort it would have been for them to get to sleep the night before, let alone get out of bed that morning.
A low mood is something that we all experience from time to time, life is a series of ups and downs but we generally get through it, not many things come to stay, but a lot come to pass to and the highs and lows are no exception.
This had been my experience up until about three months ago. My shadow had been there for a while, but I'd always chosen to focus on the sunny days more so than the shady ones so effectively I'd been keeping it at bay for quite some time. However, I'd noticed that my shadow was getting bigger, despite there being no sun most days, often rain and it was always seemingly dark but alas, we go on.
It was one particular day where if I was sitting in a room with four walls and no furniture, the walls were caving in on me and someone had filled in the door, it was the most intense and horrible feeling I'd ever experienced. It was one where I honestly started to fear for my life and started having doubts about whether or not I was going to wake up the next day and if I had done enough in this life in order to let it go -- pretty heavy stuff as you could imagine.
Typically I've been a strong and independent character who has got through a lot of things on my own in my life, this has been my choice and I've never been one to want to bother anyone else with my problems. It turns out I perhaps should have taken a different approach and whilst I was doing my best to deal with issues, in actual fact I was just becoming a professional at suppressing them and at the same time, wearing the widest of smiles so no one would ask that dreaded question: "are you okay?"
This time, it felt different, I couldn't contain it and I couldn't control it and I had to reach out for help. I couldn't keep the walls at bay any longer on my own and I needed those around me to hold them back for a while whilst I took some breathes and got back on my feet. Me being me, expected this all to be back to normal within a couple of days, it turns out this is not the case and that it is a challenge some days to just open your eyes and shut off your brain.
This got me thinking about depression and anxiety and what it's like for the individual to suffer. For me, it's like having this negative coach who's telling me all the wrong things, telling me to stay in bed, to avoid the gym, to keep sleeping, to embrace the pain, to be constantly seeking medical help for issues that aren't even there -- but also telling me that if I keep this up I will develop serious issues and that this is what the coach wants. So this requires some heavy thinking on my part and some techniques introduced by my psychologist and everyday feels like I am running a marathon, this is before I've even left my bed after opening my eyes and being thankful that I have.
To combat this negative coach telling me all these things, just this week I had a thought, what if I had another coach with me every step of the way, waking me up before my alarm, dragging me out of bed and making me go for a run? Forcing me to wash my dishes, making me shower daily, really pushing me into living the life I once lived so effortlessly. Surely if I had this in my life, then the negative coach telling me to do all of the wrong things would start to realize that they are not wanted anymore and they would leave, right? Well only time will tell. The sad thing is that there is not always these positive coaches around, it's just not part of the deal, or is it? There is so much professional help out there, but what I've found is that a one-hour session every four weeks is so often not enough to combat the 24 hours of alone time I have with myself, that I have with the negative coach, that I have trying to being in the positive one but for some reason, can't always master it.
When all of this started, I had no idea that it would start to literally hurt. I had no idea that I would have physical pain, day in and day out, I had no idea that my digestive system would start to have issues and that I would develop heart burn so crippling that I spent most nights in the fetal position just trying to soothe it. But here I am and this is what is happening so I have no choice but to deal with it. If I could say one thing to myself a year ago, it would be to not ignore the little nudges that I was getting that things were maybe not all ok. It would be to take notice of the little changes in my attitude towards life, the way I was feeling and my lack of interactions and enjoyment of life so I could have perhaps avoided ending up here. Hindsight though, as they say is a wonderful thing and I suppose I should take some comfort in the fact that I felt strong enough at the time to push on, but sometimes pushing on is not enough.
The future is looking brighter every day though. I've taken the steps I need to return to how I used to feel and everyday am getting stronger once again. It's amazing how much can change in a day, some days we feel as if we're never getting out of a mindset or a situation, and the next, we wonder how we ever got so low.
So I'll leave you with this. If you or anyone you know is not going so well, showing signs of withdrawing, losing or gaining weight, looking tired or washed out or there is just some inkling that something is not right, ask. If there is one thing that has really annoyed me throughout this entire ordeal it is that so many people have said to me that they noticed changes a while ago but didn't say anything. To that, I call bullshit, I don't care what type of person anyone is, strong or weak, on some level, providing the approach is right, everyone is appreciative of someone taking the time to ask if they are okay. So make sure that you do ask others, and make sure also that if you are asked, you answer truthfully. It's not a sign of weakness that you may be slowly falling apart, it's a huge show of strength that you are able to recognize the signs and take action to get you back to feeling how you should feel, so if for no one else, make sure you are doing it for yourself, you will not regret it.
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If you -- or someone you know -- need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.